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"If you're confused just call yourself bi"

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sporn, Sep 9, 2015.

  1. sporn

    sporn Guest

    Do you think that's true? I used to think it was true when I was younger, so I ended up identifying as bi. I now understand why it's a bad idea. It gives real bisexuals a bad name and people end up treating me like a confused straight girl. Pretty much a lose-lose situation.
     
  2. Chip

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    As people go through the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) during the process of coming out, quite a few people use the 'bi' label (or, more recently, the totally unrecognized "heteroromantic/homosexual" or one of the various equally unrecognized asexual labels) during the 'bargaining' phase of accepting themselves.

    And this does, in turn, give rise to the (entirely mistaken) notion that someone who is bisexual is simply someone who hasn't come out yet. So in that regard, it is doing a disservice to those who are genuinely bisexual.

    At the same time, part of the bargaining process is getting from "I'm totally straight and have no interest in the same sex" to "I'm gay and have little or no interst in the opposite sex", and during that time... something that allows us to sort of hold both of those positions simultaneously can help us "bridge" that process.

    I think 'questioning' is the most honest (and doesn't misrepresent how attraction and orientation work), but each person will find something that works for him or her. Where I have problems is when people represent bridge labels (particularly the unrecognized ones" as legitimate sexual orientations when they're pretty clearly being used as a bridge. That does a disservice to people who are trying to figure themselves out, and in the case of the 'bisexual' label, a disservice to those who are truly bisexual.
     
  3. guitar

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    Chip gave a superb answer above. I'll add that briefly I did identify as bi when I still wasn't sure because I legitimately thought I was. After about 6 months of trying dating both guys and girls I knew the bi label didn't suit me. Thankfully I wasn't really out at that point. It can be difficult to change how you identify yourself to others, but if you explain the questioning process, its usually not a huge deal to most people.
     
  4. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I kind of identified as bi as well. Mainly because no one believed me when I said I was gay and that made me very confused. I genuinely thought I was turning bi and I wasn't sure if it was possible. I read about sexual fluidity, but it didn't seem to apply to me because I felt like I was turning bi after I tried to come out as gay. I'm at the point where I don't want to be with men, but I sometimes think I'm attracted to them. It's torture.
     
  5. loveislove01

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    I identify as bi but I think I might be gay. I still prefer to use that label because I'm unsure and still have some attraction to males, but way more strongly to girls...
     
  6. DreamerBoy17

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    Yeah, I agree with all above. I just came out too fast as bi, I was actually still in denial as a lesbian. So part of it is not rushing into things.
     
  7. QueerTransEnby

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    I'd like to remind people that just because you date only the same sex, it does not subtract from the fact you have attraction to the opposite sex. Would I want a relationship with a woman in my lifetime? Maybe, but I have only had 1 female in my life that has been interested.

    Trust me, I was even flirted with at my last 2 jobs by guys. Not like over the top, but you know what I mean.
     
  8. florence2000

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    Narh, it isn't true. I defs like girls and guys romantically and sexually. Like sitting here trying to "pick" is honestly making my head hurt. Neither attraction is stronger than the other. I spend 9 months questioning and all I figured out was bi. If it changes in the future, it changes but I know I am bisexual right now.
     
  9. ScatteredEarth

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    I'm still not even sure where I stand on the issue. I mean, I like both men and women.. But nowadays women are in the sidecar of the motorcycle, and the screw is kinda loose, while guys are in the bitchseat (Seriously, no pun intended I swear o-o)
     
  10. Aspen

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    Chip's response was flawless. I agree, coming out as bisexual when someone is unsure reinforces the stereotype that bisexuals are just confused. There's nothing wrong with being unsure, or coming out as questioning, or genuinely identifying as bisexual but realizing later it's not a fitting label.

    I also agree on still being bi even with a strong preference. On the street, I'm more attracted to men and as far as I can tell, I've only had crushes on two women. But having a preference doesn't mean every bisexual person has to have one.
     
  11. biAnnika

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    I acknowledge 100% the validity of what Chip says...I get why gay people do this, and the value it serves for them. I also agree with his notion that "Questioning" is the most *honest* label for someone who is making that transition from straight to gay, and perhaps feels confused by their sexuality.

    But I also think that where sporn has come to (bolded above) is important. It not only gives us a "bad name", but it also (as Chip also acknowledges) reinforces the notion that we don't really exist (something many people believe or are tempted to believe already).

    I think it would really be best for bisexuals if people who are confused could be comfortable calling themselves "Questioning". Sadly, very few people are concerned with what would be best for bisexuals...and *naturally* a questioning person is *mostly* concerned with what they think is best for them.

    But the "advice" in the title, when given as such to another person, absolutely disrespects bisexuals and bisexual issues.
     
    #11 biAnnika, Sep 10, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2015
  12. Chip

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    One other point I didn't make above: very often, when someone who is gay actually comes out as bi, they often later have to come out again. And when someone comes out to a parent as bi, s/he can unwittingly encourage the parent to stay in denial, because the parent can then do his or her own 'bargaining' by becoming convinced that the attraction to same sex is transient and that the child can still end up straight. It complicates thigs all around. "Questioning" solves that problem neatly.

    It's also worth mentioning that according to Kinsey, only about 10% of the population are 0 (totally straight) or 6 (totally gay) and everyone else is somewhere on the spectrum, though most do cluster at one end or the other. So sexuality is not a binary or trinary. I do think that sometimes some guys (moreso than girls) stay stuck to the bisexual label when they are confusing connection and close friendship with women for sexual attraction. This is t to say there are genuinely bisexual men, but I think that label may sometimes be unintentionally misused by men who are still dealing with internalized homophobia and want to hold on to thossibility they could end up with a woman. This probably happens with women as well but my knowledge base is deeper with men thaw th women.
     
  13. Andrew99

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    This is kind of how I was. When I was about 12 to 13 I believed I was probably bi.
     
  14. biAnnika

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    The thing is, Andrew, that if you believed you were bi, then you were not following this advice...you were being honest about who/what you thought you were.

    The advice is advocating that if you feel conflicted, confused, really have no idea what your sexual orientation is, then *call* yourself bisexual, even if you don't necessarily feel you are, because that's a "comparatively safe and relatively easy thing to do".

    That advice/position ignores the impact that policy has on real bisexuals.

    But being honest about who/what you honestly think you are? I see no problem with that.

    Just don't use "I'm bisexual" to avoid thinking about your sexuality, or as shorthand for "I'm queer in some way, but am not yet ready to process exactly *how* I am queer."
     
  15. kageshiro

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    If it suits you're situation, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't. I think people should learn to use their judgement to tell the difference between someone who is genuinely bi, and someone temporarily using the label as a stepping stone. I don't have patience for anyone that can't do that.
     
  16. loveislove01

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    But I don't know, really...
    Bisexuality IS a real thing.

    Thing is, I'm pretty sure people who use it as stepping stones actually once believed they were bi, not intentionally causing bisexual erasure.
     
  17. CameronMR

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    I just call myself Bi for now so I don't have to explain why I am gay and living with a boyfriend. I just don't like to get into it, at lease, not until I am out to him. Can you imagine if it got back to him through the grapevine??!!