If you are a middle aged lesbian married to a guy for 20 years, would you leave the guy and the children you made with him, to pursue the love of your life who is a woman? Or would you rather be a masochist to an ungrateful husband, and a mother to children who always see their mother sad and don't know why? sorry to say this but I see some lesbians who are in the closet who due to the fact of not being able to get out of a toxic marriage start TO LIVE THROUGH THEIR CHILDREN, (((still not being able to be themselves, but something completely different that does NOT remind them of a part of their true selves they suppress))) as if "I STILL DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHO I AM, SO I WILL HIDE BEHIND SOMEONE ELSE'S IDENTITY because to go back to the hetero lie of myself will be to remind me of myself and how I trying to be hetero failed so I will live through someone else's hetero lifestyle instead just to not face myself". as if living a lie for 20 years max was not enough....they seek another lie to cover it up even more. what the heck? I was in love with this woman and since she cannot be herself or fear being true to who she really is pursuing healthy homosexual relationships outside of her marriage she uses her children as a channel to live through....is that a life? She also despises her lesbian butch daughter and only likes the "femme" daughter who is straight and supposedly have the perfect life and marriage with a GUY.... mmm okay so just because her BUTCH daughter reminds her of herself or a part of her she does not want to acknowledge she rejects her and starts acting like the straight one with the perfect "hetero life"...while she knows that her own hetero life is a sham.
This comes up all the time here. It depends mostly on age of children, but level of anxiety too, husbands needs, and how important he is in other ways. But basically, what you describe is very unhealthy for the person living the lie, and perhaps their children as well. Many stories about how bad it can get before they break, or snap out of it. I suspect many men and women are gay in closet, and will never EVER admit it and come out. One does not have to be married with kids either, they can be single men, and talk about hot women all day, and it just rings false and everyone knows it, yet they go on and on. I follow a guy online who I knew 8 or 9 years ago who was pretty deep in the closet. Guess what? From his twitter tweets, he is still a raging closet case. I feel for the butch daughter who is rejected because she is more like her mother who has self-hatred issues. Very sad.
we can also ask is she being a real mother by living a lie? what example does it set for your child if you refuse to be honest with yourself? and hate everyone who is true to themselves? there is no connection of unconditional love there.
Hi, It depends on your ability to compartmentalize and your acting ability. I have been married 21 years mostly for the benefit of our children. My wife is a good friend but the union lacks passion. I have put myself on hold, compartmentalized the frustration, and created a loving environment for the children. My sense of duty to the children superseded me, my wife and the marriage. I would die for my kids, so what is a few years of making a loving home for them as they grew? People talk about putting others they love first all the time. Few have the stomach to slog through actually doing it. Stuck
It is certainly possible to put life on hold and wait until the children are old enough, but that will come at a very great price to every one. You can not truly give yourself to your partner so he or she suffers as they do not get the whole person. The Children suffer if they are living at home as you can be be authentic with them and in some way you are robbing them of knowing their real mother or father as the case may be. I think on balance, even though it is painful it is better to be true to yourself and who you really are. This takes courage as many will see you as selfish, but in the end you only have one life and you must try and live it to the full.
I would strongly recommend avoiding relationships with closeted married women. Your relationship can't possibly be healthy under those circumstances.
There seems to be this assumption that we should pretend to be straight for the kids sake....I told my kids I was homosexual a while back, it has not at all affected our relationship....and they mean the world to me too.
I'm probably not going to be much help but my girlfriend's mother is a lesbian and it has really affected my girlfriend and her brother in a bad way. They hate their mother for what she is and my girlfriend gets really depressed over it. I'm sorry, that's the only thing I can say really.
Parents don't leave their children. Plenty of lesbian couples include a mom and her partner and the moms kids. Why are you suggesting that she leave her children?
I'm glad you're getting the frustration this situation has caused you off of your chest. If you are a middle aged lesbian married to a guy for 20 years, would you leave the guy and the children you made with him, to pursue the love of your life who is a woman? I would not leave the man I married and raised a family with to pursue a woman. I would only leave him if I was ready to leave him and had reached a point where I had to leave the marriage for me. No one else, no woman, no potential love, for me. Or would you rather be a masochist to an ungrateful husband, and a mother to children who always see their mother sad and don't know why? Unfortunately whatever happens there is going to be a period of turmoil, especially when it involves children, 20 years of marriage, and sexuality. We make the choices we feel are best (or, dare I say it, easiest) and everyone in our life must live with the consequences of those actions. Maybe I'm reading the post incorrectly, but I'm sensing frustration and a touch of bitterness. A closeted married woman has a lot on their plate, a lot of emotions, a lot of trying to decide what to do and how they should continue in their life. Remain with their husband, have clandestine affairs, try to maintain normality rather than divorce. For some being unhappy in marriage is better than putting their family through the disruption of divorce, and that is their choice. It can appear so very easy to those who have a particular wish for it to go a certain way, and for some it is easy. For others it is not. It may not be a life you wish for, it may not be fair or lovely for their family or themselves, it burns everyone who gets involved in someway, but it is what it is; a complicated situation which will never get sorted until the key person gets to a point where they not only want to sort it out, but they feel they can actually sort it out. What should happen? That is easy. People should talk it through with their partners, seek a divorce/separation if necessary, come out and live life. Because the should is something that is easy, the right option, the option most would prefer the married individual do, when they opt not to do that we become frustrated and confused. Why aren't they doing what is best, for them and their family? Why are they dragging this out? Why are they making people miserable? Because it is what they feel is best. It is what they think is easiest. It is all they can bring themselves to do. Whatever the reason, whatever those outside (and inside) the situation would like to happen, all we can do is help them when they need help and remind ourselves that to get romantically involved with someone in this situation is like walking into a minefield.
