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Identity Crises

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by needpeace50, May 2, 2013.

  1. needpeace50

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    Hey all,

    I am new to this site and just wanted to say hello to everyone. While I have visited this site before seeking peace, this is the first time that I have actually become a member. Now, to the part where I seek guidance. WARNING: this will be quite a long post, as I would really like to receive some clarity and I feel I can only do so by being very precise. But please, I put a lot of effort into this, so stay with me.

    I am a 22 year old male that has been struggling with confusion regarding my sexual orientation for approximately two years now. And honestly, when I say confusion, it is a recurrent, but only periodic unsettling feeling that I am gay. To offer some personal history to give perspective, my earliest sexual memories are that of women. Both my earliest grade-school crushes and fantasies entailed women. It wasn't until about the age of twelve that I realized my attraction for men. At first, this was a very unsettling feeling for me and one that I initially struggled with. However, my attraction for women was always equally strong, and thus I was always able to minimize the impact of these thoughts on my psyche.

    As, I hit high-school age, I had definitely come to terms with my same sex attraction, but again, my strong sexual interest in women remained and thus, I could continue to push homosexual thoughts into the back of my mind. When I would masturbate, it was almost always to same sex scenes, whether it be gay or lesbian. Again, this proved reassuring as I never doubted my attraction for the opposite sex and felt I could always inhibit my homosexual desires. Anyways, it was never really hard for me as I truly identified as nothing but straight, and never actually had a crush on a male. While there were certainly ones in my grades that I was attracted to, my attraction to them would diminish drastically upon my getting to know them. This is a characteristic that remains even to this day. Further, being straight was definitely an identity I was more comfortable identifying with as I truly am a stereotypical male. I was high school athlete, love sports, all my friends are males, have no fashion sense lol, etc.

    When I was in the 9th grade I had what I would call my only actual homosexual encounter. A friend of mine was over for a sleepover and at one point he teasingly grabbed at my midsection. It was very arousing to me and so I played back. Ultimately, I ended up feeling on him for a bit but that was all, and nothing more ever became of it. We remained friends with no further 'incidents', until later in high school when we just kind of fell apart, like many friends do.

    Further, when I was 17 I got my first 'real' girlfriend. It was to her that I lost my virginity. I don't really remember what I thought about it now, but I know that in the initial stages of our relationship, we had sex very often. I would end up dating this same girl for 1.5 years, into the beginning of my sophomore year of college. Throughout our relationship we would have sex, but I do remember eventually not enjoying it as much as I thought I should. Most often I blamed her, as she was not a very sexual person, and not a very active participant. In many cases, I felt she was only having sex with me because I wanted it, and because I had initiated it, a fact that I eventually came to loath. I also eventually came to loath her in many ways. Though we would almost never fight, I kept a lot of things that she did that bothered me bottled in so as not to 'rock the boat' so to speak. There were many times when I would think very bad thoughts about her, especially in instances when she didn't keep her appearance. Anyways, we broke up mostly because I had grown tired of her, and she had grown tired of my lack of emotional support (In addition to our problems, it was a long distance relationship).

    From that point on, I lived a typical straight college male life. I went out with friends frequently, got extremely drunk, and tried to land just about any girl that I could. Sometimes these attempts were successful, but most of the time not at all. It was at this time that I placed nearly all of my happiness in these successful nights. When I got laid, I felt validated, good-looking, charming, etc. When I didn't, I felt like a loser. All the while, I masturbated frequently still mostly to same sex porn (lesbian or gay).

    This lifestyle continued until one strange day. I had smoked weed with a friend and while very high, I was suddenly overcome with a conviction that I was exclusively gay. The whole time that I was high I could not shake this conviction, and thoughts kept coming to me that reassured this notion. Since that day, I have never been able to wholly shake this conviction. It has been the source of countless days of depression. In retrospect, the day was most entirely brought on by the fact that by this point, masturbation had definitely become a habit, and in the months leading up to this day, I did almost exclusively to gay porn.

    For about the next year after that unsettling day, my womanizing became even more desperate. Only now, it was mostly to convince myself that I still could have sex with women. And I did, with many. And in many instances, an incredible number of times in one night (I think seven times was the record). To this day, its hard to say how much I enjoyed it though. My anxiety over my sexuality unquestionably clouds my judgement, and in my bouts of depression, I become convinced I never did, and that it was only part of an attempt to trick myself. But still, with the exception of only one or two drunken incidents, I never had a problem getting aroused and finishing the job. In addition, many of these girls ironically would boast to me how they had never gotten it like that (especially the seven times in one night girl lol). Still, the periodic depression, and homosexual urges never ceased. At times I questioned my sanity and pondered suicide (though these thoughts were never close to being actualized).

    In this time, I never felt anything for these girls emotionally. But quite honestly, I never really tried to either. Most of these girls had definitely been around the block and I took them for what they were. However, all of this changed when I met the girl who I am currently with. We started as friends and became good friends, hanging out regularly for a couple months. In this time, there were days when I definitely felt like I liked her like I had never liked any girl. She made me laugh, she was smart, and she was beautiful. I remember thinking to myself that liking this girl feels so selfless. I still dunno why I thought that, but I like it. Still, the bouts of depression over my sexuality had not ceased, and would periodically lead me again to thoughts that completely invalidated how I felt about her. But one night, after months of being friends me and this girl embraced in a long-coming kiss. I remember being very aroused by her, but I did not dare make a move because I did not want to move too fast.

    From that time (last October) until now we have been dating. Today, I can say with certainty that this is the first girl that I ever loved. But in the initial stages of our relationship the bouts of depression continued. Only now, they would often be even more intense, as her presence complicated the matter. Most notably in a couple of incidences where my anxiety would prevent me from achieving erection. In these times I would ask myself, if I am feeling this way even while being with this wonderful girl who I truly care so much about, how can they not be true? At times these thoughts would bring me to the brink of panic attacks. The only thing that ultimately got me through these periods was my love for her. Its kind of funny, because my anxiety was almost exclusively brought on by fears that I was not attracted to her and could not perform with her. But I never questioned my love and care for her, and it was these feelings that would normally bring me out of these funks. When I felt good we would have great sex. The best and most passionate that I have ever had. Still, throughout the relationship I have continued to masturbate to gay porn, though not exclusively. It definitely turns me on greatly.

    This brings me to where I am today. I am still in a relationship with this girl, however it is definitely not the same as it was. Its weird because in these past couple of months, the bouts of depression have seriously diminished, even though our relationship has begun to suffer. Now, we fight and we fight often. I have been very mean to her and at times project negative thoughts on her like I did with my old girlfriend. I feel I have begun to loath her too. But she too can be very mean, and has said some very bad and hateful things to me. I don't feel like I love her any more, which brings me to my current dilemma: These thoughts lead me to invalidate everything that we have had, and makes me feel like I have truly been gay all along. Though our sex life has not suffered whatsoever (on the contrary it has definitely improved) I continue to masturbate quite frequently to gay porn (again not exclusively), and it remains to turn me on a whole lot. This fact brings on much guilt, and in periods of anxiety it brings me to think that I invent problems with our relationship simply because I am gay. I blame the collapse of the relationship solely on my homosexual desire and at this point I am beginning to fear that I cannot maintain a healthy relationship with any girl because of it. Though I still do not feel any real romantic attraction to men, my strong sexual attraction is undeniable. The fear that I am gay is an incessant. It is the bane of my life, and the one thing in my life that can bring me to depression.

    I want to thank you so much if you have made it this far. Please offer your help for me to resolve this constant struggle from within. Any advice, thoughts, etc. is most greatly appreciated. Help me free my mind, bring me peace, and I will be eternally grateful.

    Much love to everyone,

    Needpeace50
     
  2. AKTodd

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    Reading through this, various thoughts come to mind:

    a) You may be bi-sexual, given that you seem able to be attracted to both men and women.

    b) What, specifically, bothers you so much about the idea of being sexually attracted to men? You say it depresses you and bothers you, but you don't say why.

    c) That you can get turned on by porn (and both gay and lesbian porn) doesn't lead me to strongly think you are gay, although it does lead me to think that you are turned on by sexual activity and maybe the sense of 'naughtyness' that may accompany watching it.

    d) Your relationship issues and recurring depression may be tied to your thoughts about being gay, but I'm leery of thinking that that's the only thing going on there. I would suspect there are other issues involved that you either aren't picking up on or aren't mentioning here. And also that the depression may actually be driving the relationship problems. If so, it may be that some professional help may be in order.

    My initial thoughts anyway,

    Todd
     
  3. needpeace50

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    Thank you very much for responding, Todd. I appreciate your perspective and hope that you will continue to discuss the matter with me. I would like to address points B, and D. Firstly, I will try to explain what bothers me about the thought of being gay. While there are certainly many facets of this notion that bother me, I will try and explain it as best and as concisely as I can. I think it directly relates to the fact that it proves entirely contrary to the identity that I had lived comfortably in for the first 20 years of my life. In the years before I was haunted with the thought of being gay, I certainly acknowledged my homosexual attraction. I was a heavy masturbator from the onset of puberty, and throughout my adolescence, I would often do so to gay porn. Still, my attraction for women was equally strong and so it was never that big of a deal to me. While I am weary to purport any sort of gay stereotypes, I really am the consummate straight male. Thus, I had no problem blending into the crowd and assuming a completely straight identity. Because no one was ever suspicious that I was gay, I never felt like I had to be a phony or lie about anything to prove a straight sexual identity to anyone. I grew up chasing women, often with little success, but chasing nonetheless. I never questioned my attraction for them, always had crushes on them, and always saw myself ending up with one. While I certainly wouldn't characterize these days as completely happy (I certainly had many other insecurities that consumed me), I can honestly say that I never gave the idea of being wholly gay much thought. Thus, the incident where I was high and became convinced of the fact that I am gay was definitely a complete shock to my identity.

    Now to address point D. As I mentioned, but was perhaps not as specific as needed, there have definitely been issues that I can pinpoint in the relationship with my girlfriend. As I think of it now, I definitely believe I put all of the stake of my heterosexuality into this relationship at the start. As a result, anytime anything went wrong or I was unhappy, I laid the blame on myself, reasoning that I must be depressed and this isn't working for me because I am gay. I never reasoned to blame the way that I felt on her, and it took an immense toll on me, even leading me into some of my darkest days of depression in which I pondered suicide (though I am certain I would have never actually done it). Oddly enough, the instances where I would blame myself would begin to cease shortly after one of my worst episodes. Towards the beginning of March, our relationship began to take a turn for the worse. We were constantly fighting and I often found her to be inconsiderate, complacent, and somewhat annoying. I can remember one night in which I was particularly annoyed with her, and I ultimately turned down her advances for sex. While this may not seem a big deal to you, I felt it was a small milestone as I was able to do so without placing blame on myself and my same-sex attraction. As the month progressed, our relationship was certainly a roller coaster of emotions as we rapidly went from periods of stability to periods of intense fighting. All the while, I never blamed myself for the fighting as I felt my disagreements were valid. I loathed the fact that she refused to communicate with me on many issues, instead becoming hateful and aggressive. It is during this period, ironically, that we had some of our most passionate sex, but I still continued to masturbate to gay porn on occasion (again not exclusively). Since March we have broken up one time (albeit for a very brief period), and are now currently on a break. It has been in this most recent period that the depression and anxiety regarding my orientation has returned. These fears lead me to divert any of the blame from her, and again attribute my unhappiness in the relationship to the possibility that I am gay. Here is where I am at today.
     
  4. PeteNJ

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    Needpeace50 -- seems to me you need to separate the issues -- what's up with the girlfriend and what's your sexual identify.

    IMO, based on what I read, it seems to me that relationship with the GF is doomed -- is that right? Can you see yourself happily with her in 6 months? a year? (doesn't sound like). To me, that's a piece of your life you need to get in order, since it really complicates things and honestly dealing with the relationship probably is a way to avoid dealing with yourself.

    So -- point 2, your sexuality. IDK if you're bi or gay, you probably don't know for sure either -- but clearly you have strong leanings and interest in men. Well, that's not going away. My suggestion is to find a great therapist who specializes in sexual identity -- and dig deep. Also to join and become active in a gay/lgbt center, join a support group.

    Its no surprise to me you're dealing with depression. You have big stuff going on in your life that is unsettling, uncertain. You'll need to muster the bravery and courage to be real, honest, authentic about who you are and what you need. That you're thinking so much about it and posting here -- a great step in the direction!

    Keep posting...
     
  5. needpeace50

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    Thank you for your response, Pete. I would not necessarily say that the relationship is completely doomed. Perhaps in my last post I was far too critical, and did not portray the whole picture. There are times when I am very happy to spend time with her. She can be very funny, accepting, and just wonderful to be around. Furthermore, she is definitely an introvert, and she almost always finds more comfort in solitude than in the company of other people. The fact that she truly loves my company makes me feel very special in this regard. In addition, and perhaps most importantly, she has been entirely understanding of me in times of anxiety and depression. While I have never told her that these feelings are most directly caused by sexual confusion, she is always comforting and patient. This was especially true in the two or three instances in which my anxiety was so bad, that I could not perform with her sexually. In one of these instances, after explaining to her my performance anxiety (though not revealing the cause of it), she lovingly said, "Baby don't worry about it at all. I don't need sex, I just need you." In my original post when I said that it was my love and care for her that got me through periods of depression, instances like these are to what I was referring. In this break, I am both taking a time to clear up my sexual confusion, and taking the time to let go of my anger towards her. Up to this point, I have been successful in both regards as discussing my issues with people has truly helped clear some confusion, and I definitely feel myself beginning to forgive her. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, I never ever wish to hate her.

    Finally, in response to your suggestion to see a therapist and join an LGBT support group, I would say that at this point that is really out of the question for me. On the one hand, I have no money to afford a therapist at this time, thus this is not a viable option. On the other hand and in relation to your suggestion to join an LGBT support, I truly feel that this is not at all necessary. My reasoning for this is that in simply talking and having discussions such as these, my thoughts have already begun to clear. I attribute this largely to the fact that in the past when I talked to those who were gay or bi, it was solely for the sake of masturbation, and once I was finished I would delete the internet history and move on. Now, I am treating those who are gay and bi not simply as sexual objects, but as human beings as well. These past couple of days I have just been talking, talking a lot, and then talking some more, and it has been immensely helpful. Anyways, thanks for your suggestions, and I hope to see that you reply to this post, and continue this valuable discussion.