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Identity Awareness and Confusion.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by StellarJ1, Jun 11, 2014.

  1. StellarJ1

    Regular Member

    Aug 13, 2013
    Likes Received:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    I have a couple of modes that I have become aware of.

    Most of the time, I am in an autopilot mode, which means that I am acting like a heterosexual male. I try not to. I try to keep reminding myself that I am gay and to trust myself. Autopilot mode feels dissociated most of the time. There is a part of me that is not being felt, so there is a part of my body which feels numb or tense if I concentrate on my body awareness. I have a compulsive obsession with this awareness, and it often feels like something is wrong, or not being felt. I want to feel it, but I am afraid, and cannot seem to accept whatever it is.

    This mode also consists of some sort of addiction to checking out women's bodies, and sexualizing them. It feels bad, and yet I find it a hard habit to break. The more I do it, the more disconnected I feel from myself. Disembodied and lustful. Sometimes, I have a gut reaction where I am grossed out by women. I am always surprised by that instinctive reaction when it comes through. I usually feel good about it when it does happen, and I am grateful for honesty.
    I also seem to always be trying to attract women. Always.

    There is another mode that feels very connected and grounded. This happens when I am feeling like a girl on the inside. I look at women more as a gal pal, and then something shines through in me. I feel connection to women then. It's like I become an adult-equal, rather than some strange man who hasn't grown up (or who is not being himself). This is a huge relief which makes me feel like I can live a happy life.

    Then there is the mode where I am convinced that I am gay. There is a ringing of truth when I let myself feel it. It is something I am working towards accepting so that I can be myself.

    I get confused about why I feel like myself when I feel embodied as a girl. I even accepted that I was a girl in my head a few times in small moments, and I felt deep release and relief.

    A couple of times it has happened when I was doing yoga, and all of the sudden my body becomes incredibly flexible. It is as if my whole body becomes unlocked. It is incredible. I wish I knew how to keep it unlocked. It is a rare event when it happens. Most of the time it is as if my body is in a hyper vigilant state so stretching around my core area feel impossible.

    But accepting that I am a girl, or honoring this thought that unlocks me, seems too huge to accept. It seems like it is too big of a thing to expect to be able to accept and live with.

    I also wonder about if it is just that I am a repressed, homophobic gay man and the only way that I can see myself and feel comfortable is as a woman?

    I am 37, and I don't really feel like i can look at myself in the mirror, and see that I am a woman. I can feel it, but the illusion is lost when I see myself. When I was younger, I might have been able to. Now I wonder if being gay will be enough, or is it that I feel like a woman too?

    I think that I am having a hard time looking at myself as a man, and not seeing heterosexual. I could possibly be using feeling like a woman as a way to get outside of the hetero identity that I have created. Needless to say, I am perplexed about my identity.
    #1 StellarJ1, Jun 11, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2014