Ideas on how to deal with homophobia from my mom?

The last couple nights I've been bummed. My mom went on a religious rant during an hour drive home- half of it was homophobia and aimed at my gay cousin my age, his supportive mom, and a lesbian mom who has a kid on my nephew's ball team. I had to sit through it with as neutral of a reaction and countenance as possible to avoid any backlash from her. I still was mildly questioned about 'are you still thinking that way?' meaning 'are you still the thing I despise?'. I dodged it the best I could.

I try not to let her rants take up headspace or under my skin. For some reason this just really hurt me this time around. Sometimes she's the sweet Mom I always knew, but a lot of days I feel like she secretly hates me. I don't know what to do, I don't feel like I can talk to her about this or think that it's safe.

 

She thinks it is, and despite my attempts to explain to her that's not the case she still does.

 

At one point she did think I was avoiding her, and I think I subconciously was. I was spending less time with her and more time upstairs in my room. If I could just hang out with my friends more that would help too. It's been too hot for nature photography with the heat index. But this is something I'll give thought to and try once I think of something.

 

I wish your dad wasn't like that either, and I'm sorry that he is. I've tried to detach myself from the comments, but it is personal sometimes. I've tried leaving the room and trying to debate her too- only makes it worse. If she hurts me with what she's said I wait until she's done ranting and go try to clear my head, sometimes I can't though.

 

It's so annoying, I wouldn't choose to be trans! (I've slowly started to accept being bi enough I'd maybe still choose that if it was a choice.)

I did try to talk to her about it once, and she tried to shrug off pieces of evidence pointing to me being a trans man as normal teenage girl feelings. She won't even listen to or believe my explanation that being bi and being gay are two different things. This was a few months after being found out, which was almost three years ago (I've been trapped for two and a half). I'd try it again if I thought she'd actually listen and it was safe for me to do so- but I'm still stuck here for now.

Her comments and feelings on those particular characteristics of me have me so twisted up inside sometimes that I've been angry with myself and essentially fighting myself. A lot of the hating myself has been shame caused by this, and I hope to God it can only get better from here. I'm tired of this cycle.

 

It's ok, sometimes I'm just stubborn and have a thick skull (sorry). I really have tried to stay and find a viable solution, but there just isn't one. Right now it's not by choice really though, my friend's parents are getting a divorce and she advised me to keep my distance for now due to the fallout between them. This sucks.

 

She's just busy at the moment, but that means no remarks at least.