Id Likely Transition If Society Were More Accepting

Sorry for the length, but here’s my story:
When I was super young I would put on bras at night to sleep in. Sometimes I’d wake up and get them off before my mother came to wake me up, other times I’d not(and get in trouble for it)
In 3rd grade(after seeing “Blue Sub No. 6”) I dreamt I was Mutio.
4th grade I dreamt I was placed into a machine that changed me from masculine to feminine. Tall, slender, beautiful. Sadly, though I didn’t realize(at the time) that I could have done something. I was living a lie by day and by night.
In 5th grade, my class was shown the “what to expect during ‘the change’” video. The boys were shown one, the girls another. I remember feeling this severe dread of what to expect.
Following my 13th birthday, I started going to Boy Scouts. Each and every Monday night. I didn’t like it. I wanted to stop going, but I didn’t feel like I could safely say “I’m not a boy” to my father(whom was in scouts when he was that age)
During middle school, I saw peers going through those changes. I was scared of when it would happen. Each summer I was scared it would happen.
6th grade, at a school fair there was an “Answer a question correct, win a book” game. I answered the question correct, and while I was drawn to one book(Luna, by Julie Anne Peters), my mother was there and made me select another book(Dr. Franklins Island, Ann Hallam). I didn’t know why I was drawn to the first, but I’m kind of glad I got the other, as it had quite the positive impact on me(so much that it’s been incorporated into my literary sleeve).
Middle school came and went, still no change, I was feeling relief.
And then 9th grade came, and so did the change, like a hammer to a nail.
All this time, I’d still bra it up at night for sleeping. Also during this time, I was still living a lie.
Still going to Scouts. Working on getting Eagle.
And then I did.
Finally I felt I didn’t have any obligations to remain male, yet I still didn’t.
All during this time, I’d still bra it at night, thinking it was just a kink, even though I felt complete whilst in them.
Even after going away to college, I’d still do it, still thinking it was a kink.
It wasn’t unit I had started doing drag that I slowly began to realize “this is me, this is who I am.”
Of course, it did take one final attempt(brought on because of shame I was feeling(my parents had put so many obligations before me, that I knew I’d not be able to complete)) before I realized.
In the week before I realized, I’d worn an unpadded bra, just “because”.
I think the kicker was the night I had my realization. I had “Girl Moded” it to karaoke at the local gay bar, on the bus ride there a little girl saw me and asked her mother “is that a boy or a girl?”. My response was “does it really matter?” but it got me thinking, and later that night, I had my “holy shit” moment. I then realized I needed to let work know, I set up a meeting for that Thursday, to give time for me to come to grips myself. Of course, they knew right away from my email.
When I got home from the meeting, I realized I had to tell my mother. I did, and her response was “well, you always had a fetish for women’s clothes, I think I saw this coming. I love you the same though.”
Anyhow, I’m rambling. If you think you might be Trans, “Boy Mode” it for a week, even if it’s just packing and binding. See how you feel presenting as masculine. If it feels right, if you feel whole/complete, you might be Trans. But each person is different, and even if elements of the story are similar, they might not always have the same outcome, as even though some people saw the things I did as a fetish, I felt complete, I felt whole.

 

Snidi,

Welcome to the site.

Do you have access to a therapist? Maybe one that can focus on gender issues?

I'm asking because I never thought I would be where I am. I thought I would be fine. I'm tough. However, after decades of not knowing how to describe my inclinations and hating myself I was prepping for self harm. Therapists help guide you through tough ideas and decide what is most important to you.

I'm not trying to scare you. Just suggesting you may need to figure out if you will not regret this later. If you can't live the lie, it's so much better to start earlier.

Not sure how helpful that is. I hope it gets easier.
I wish you love and acceptance.

Warmly,
Jacqui