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I wish I would have never come out to my mom...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Anjelyka, Nov 28, 2022.

  1. Anjelyka

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    Greetings all, been awhile since I posted or even used the forums for that matter, but I'm in a mood and I need to vent. I recently turned 46 and I have been living with parents my whole life. My dad died in Jan. 7, 2008. It's been my mom and I since. Fast forward a few years and I came out to my mom in a process that took me awhile to find myself as trans. Her first reaction to coming out as trans was 'not my child'. Over time she softened slightly allowing me to wear girly clothes, but after seeing me in them for awhile she told me I needed to stop.

    Nowadays, I live my life outwardly as male and I am out to as many people as I can be...I even came out to my sister last Thanksgiving. Lately my mom has been extremely agitated and easily snapping at me for perceived slights (today she accused me of drinking whole milk straight, it is meant for our coffee). I get the feeling that she resents me and having to put up wit having me live with her.

    There are days I go to bed and wish to not wake up the next day...I've dealt with suicidal ideation my whole life. It's just that more and more, the less I am able to live the life I want, the more I wish for bad things to happen to my mom or that I would just stop being alive. I am nowhere near being able to take my own life and I sure as hell don't want to.

    People say that it will get better, nothing lasts forever. I could do without this hell I am living through.
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @Anjelyka. I'm sorry things are so strained between you and your mother. I get the sense that your coming out as trans might only be part of a much bigger issue between the two of you: is there any way you could sit down and talk with her about how you feel, and allow her to do the same? Perhaps you can clear the air, come to a better understanding of each other's perspectives.

    Conversely, it might be worth looking into a place of your own. I get the impression money is probably an issue in this regard, but if it's something you can do, it would probably be for the best. It sounds like as long as you live with her, you're likely to stagnate. Or if you can't afford to rent somewhere on your own, is there another family member or a friend who could put you up for a bit until you get back on your feet?
     
  3. quebec

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    Anjelyka.....It's a little tough to give you advice as we don't know very much about your circumstances. As BiGemini mentioned, moving out could be a good choice, but we don't have a clue if that is even possible. Perhaps living with another family member or a friend for a while would be an idea. Do you have a job? If so would you be financially able to live on your own? It seems that, unless you can "clear the air" with your mother that not being around her would be a good choice. If you feel comfortable answering some of these questions, we may be able to do a better job of helping you! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. chicodeoro

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    If you have the means, move out. It sounds like you desperately need your own space.

    Unless, of course, your mum has health issues and needs you as a full-time carer..other than that there's no reason why someone your age should still be living with a parent.

    Beth
     
  5. PJ208

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    Have to agree what everyone is saying. If its possible to move out on your own or with someone else, that sounds like what might be needed. Sorry she wasn't accepting but a combination of other issues may be contributing to that lack of acceptance.
     
  6. PeterHuman

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    I find that sometimes a written letter works wonders. I have an experience with my elder brother.
    I felt he has always considered me a wimp and has been rough to me. He just has harsh personality. He's a great brother and we always help each other out, but I find that when he's around I suddenly get quiet and afraid to speak and act because he might shout at me.

    When he moved out and started his own life, I felt free and could do things that I myself did not know I can.

    Some years ago a situation happened and I had to exchange email messages with my brother. And somehow over a few messages we both opened up and told each other how we really value our relationship. I admitted that I always admired his strength and independence and wanted to be like him but could not because of my health issues. I also admitted that sometimes I indeed behaved as a little j**k requiring too much attention from others. He recognized that sometimes he was too harsh and did not think about my feelings.

    Why did email work better than eye-to-eye conversation? When you are talking eye-to-eye, there is a big chance to be distracted. You can't stop noticing other person's tone, body language and it might lead the conversation astray. You also are wary that someone else might come in or something might happen that would interrupt the conversation. Also, it's emotionally difficult, your voice might break or you might subconsciously take a protective pose and close down. The other person might make some comments before you had finished your sentence, and then you would have to reply and it all might lead to yet another conflict.

    When you write a long text, you have all the time you need. You can choose the right words and you won't be interrupted.

    So, write a letter to your mother, ask her to read it and leave home for an hour or so to give her time.

    In your letter, start with the good things - the things that your mother did right. And then explain that it's not her fault that you are who you are. That's nobody's fault. Also, that's not your choice. We don't choose our instincts, we do not choose our emotions and reactions to the environment and to our own body. We can control our behaviour, of course, but, if every day becomes a total self-control test, it's exhausting and can be harmful for both mental and physical health. It's important to tell her that you are trans not because you want to but because you NEED to. It's a basical physical need to be in harmony with yourself. Just write it all down. You know her best and know more words and arguments that might work.

    Good luck!
     
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