I wish I was straight

I know you don't want false hope or advice, and that's fair. But EC was created to help and support the LGBT community worldwide. If you are looking to be condemned or permission to give up, then you're looking in the wrong place.

I'm sorry your having to go through all that BS, and I had no idea those problems were prevalent in the Lesbian community. Instead of giving up, I think you just need a little break from the dating scene. Also the trouble you're experiencing in no way reflects on you, and doesn't mean you don't deserve children. That's on them not you.

You made some good points and comparisons to other groups in your post. But if you fixate on them, it will only make you miserable. Even though certain groups may have different hurdles, doesn't mean their problems are any less. It's great you can identify those differences but don't worry about them. Not your ballpark not your game.

I also have trouble finding IRL LGBT friend groups and dating events. It all seems to be centered around youths, seniors, or hookup culture. However I have seen 10x the amount of groups and events for Lesbians vs gay men. Not sure if that is the case for Miami but it is for Fort Worth/ Dallas. So there are more opportunities, but it may take a while to find the perfect group.

I also struggle to fit in with the LGBT community because I'm not gay enough for the gay scene for lack of a better term. Regardless of why that is, I cannot change it. When I visit these groups I accept that I probably won't fit in with 90% of the guys and focus on who I can relate to and make a connection with. Don't worry about anybody else but you. You still have a right to be there even if you don't fit in.

 

Wow, thank you for posting this. i appreciate your open honesty and i think this can be a very valuable discussion.

So much here, so much to discuss, i hardly know where to begin. First off, let me qualify that i am not trying to correct or criticize anything you wrote... i have felt and thought pretty much everything you speak of. But i've also thought and felt other things over time and want to throw those into the mix of this discussion as well.

i would first proffer that part of the angst and disappointment we experience is because of cultural conditioning that idealizes heteronormative relationship... and often presents it falsely. For instance, there is research that demonstrates about half of hetero marriages end in divorce. The two top reasons? Sex and money. i think it can be reasonably argued that the grass is not greener on the other side and that real hetero relationships have many, if not all, of the same challenges and pitfalls as non.

i agree that heteros have it easier because of their status of it being accepted for so long as 'the norm.' Pretty much all of culture has evolved to accommodate the 'hetero norm.' So, yeah, they've had a lot more opportunity to develop and evolve. On the other hand, those same advantages can also be disadvantages. A lot of wrong notions and ideas have become entrenched. E.g., i think the 50% divorce rate in hetero marriages can be linked to false expectations and resulting disappointment when reality finally sets in.

LGBTQ+ people are starting from scratch in many respects and are, in many ways, at the beginning of evolving relationship that works for us. i think many consciously and unconsciously use the hetero model because, hey, that's what we are used to. But who's to say that's the right model? Could all those heteros be wrong lol? One of the things being different can do for us is it forces us to question "the norm," if for no other reason than it doesn't fit who and how we are.

Wishing to be straight doesn't make it so, so it's wasted and unrealistic effort. "If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets." i'm sorry, but i confess to a fairly extreme eye roll in response to your hopes for relationship being over when statistically you haven't even lived half of your life expectancy. People get into new relationships even in their 80's (laughing). Life isn't over at age 30... or even the ancient age of 40. It's not really over till you die. i'm not dismissing your frustration. i get it and have to endure many of the same things, i experience frustration too.

And, i'm pretty confident we are not the only two people who feel this way. And in that, i think, is hope. The challenge is finding others who are like us, who want what we want. Granted, we are a minority. We have more and different challenges, but i don't think it's impossible because we are not the only two people who feel this way or want more. i'd be willing to bet most of us want better and more, it's just that most don't know how to get it or invent new ways to get it... most are wanting and waiting for someone else to do that.

i'm not going to affirm anyone giving up (my self included), to me, that would be a waste of ones value and desire for more. If one lives till 70 and and gives up half way through, they've missed out on half their life's opportunities of getting what they want/need. Obviously, no one is going to hand it to us, and we'll probably have to fight like hell to get it. The choice is ours, no one can make it for us.

 

There are women who repeatedly attract men who abuse them. Why is this? Therapists I have read say its something about repeating trauma -or thinking they 'deserve it'

I am not saying be falsely hopeful but a few points:
a. the heterosexual dating world is a big mess now too, singleness is at an all time high.
b. if you think you deserve to die alone - maybe that's something worth examining?

I am going to make a suggestion that will probably be very unpopular but I am only suggesting you consider this as an 'alternative universe:
If having a family is more important have you considered marrying a man? Where does romantic and sexual intimacy rank on your values/importance list?
If you did this , what would your future look like? We all give up one thing to do another. Deciding to have a family involves sacrifices. People who decide to be celibate and become monks and nuns don't stop having sexual desire. So people do give up on sex for 'higher' callings.

Again I am not recommending this, more of a mental exercise.

I don't think we need to pathologize it- it seems to me that its natural for any species to have a structure that ensures reproduction.

 

i agree. Not trying to be combative or even challenging. i think a lot of normative culture influences us on an unconscious level and i do think it's good to question social structure. That doesn't mean rejecting it outright, some of my best friends are straight. i don't think of heterosexuality as a pathology/disease, but as the dominant culture that often qualifies their standards as "normal." And lots of people reproduce without a structure, i think the two often don't happen together. There are lesbian and gay couples who have families with kids. Heck, we can ensure reproduction with a turkey baster.

 

First: I’ve no idea of the statistics but you’re right men and women do happen to meet more by chance in the day to day life. Maybe due to being approached more or maybe it’s less likely due to the risk of embarrassment in approaching someone of the same sex, being rejected. But I know many straight that people struggle to make connections. Many factors to consider there.

Second/Third/Fourth: I can promise you as a bisexual woman, I am wired to be monogamous and also that women don’t always respect men more in relationships. It sounds like you have been with the wrong type of woman. I was seeing a married woman for a while (I’m not proud of that) and I wanted to get to the end goal with her so I know how you feel. It does leave you feeling hollow and worthless being used like that. I sound like a broken record but where are you meeting these women? Can you go to LGBT places to meet someone instead of online? I’ve never dated online so I can’t comment too much but why not go out with a friend to a certain place and just relax. See what happens. Remember there are lots of women like you, searching for a lifelong connection so don't despair.

You can still have a family without being straight, try and slow down in your thoughts. I’m genuinely not saying this because I’m nearly there but mid 30’s... me you and Ran are spring chickens darl, it’s all subjective. You don’t need to accept anything yet. I can’t deny the biological clock is sometimes on my mind but there are so many options. I hope this doesn't come off as a 'fake hope' reply because it's not. Please don’t sign yourself off.

Not a truer word spoken...

 

I appreciate that the original poster was not suggesting this necessarily as a good course of action but I felt like I had to reply to say that I strongly advise against it. As much as marriage and family might be your desires in life marrying someone you are not attracted to in that way is not a good idea. I can understand how frustrating it can be trying to find a suitable partner and I don’t deny that there are some difficulties that come with being gay that are perhaps not there for straight people so you have every right to be annoyed. For me I had to try and look at the positives of being a lesbian and for sure at times that was hard and it felt that there were none but ultimately I truly believe that I am a better person for having been through the journey that I’ve been on and I’d like to think I have a better empathy and compassion towards others because of it as well.

I can’t promise it will be easy but when you find her I can promise it will be worth it.

 

I agree about not marrying someone you don't love or are attracted to, but what do you think about the idea of co-parenting with someone that you're not in a romantic relationship with? People do it all the time - mostly straight people whose relationships have broken down, but often its amicable. But lots of other people do it for different reasons. I know its not conventional, but its at least pretty accepted.

Single women can have kids very easily too. And single men, but obviously its not so straight forward then.

 

I think it depends how you go into the situation, if both parties go into the arrangement knowing it is going to be open and exactly what the state of play is, then that is a whole different thing to finding someone of the opposite sex to marry in order to have a family.

 

Absolutely I’m not against this, I think a lot of making things work is making sure that everyone knows exactly what the plan is before they agree to going into the arrangement. I know a single person that adopted a child and whilst that isn’t something I feel like I could have undertaken alone, fair play to them. As you say no reason this couldn’t work. I don’t think it being unconventional matters as long as you are happy with it and the child is loved and cared for.

 

oh for sure, families come in all shapes and sizes. I didn’t mean it to sound like I was putting down your advise. You always have such supportive posts for people.

 

I think that happens to us all, sometimes when you know what you are trying to say it makes sense.

 

i think several of us are making the same point in different ways: I.e.:

Having a family is not an exclusively hetero opportunity or pursuit.

 

I have felt exactly the same way you do. But I would not have such a negative view of the motives of other women because there are plenty of women that are looking for a long term, respectful love relationship like you want. Having said that, it is hard to find. The reason is not they don't exist, the problem is women have a tendency not to come out to each other. Why, I don't know. Is it shyness? Lack of motivation? That's what makes it hard to meet them, but when they meet, you find they have the same feelings and wants that all women have. Sex is part of a relationship but I have not found that most women are only looking for sex. And married women are not all bad. They have needs to that only a woman can give them, and I don't mean just sex.

 

Let's look at this objectively and you might consider pros and cons

As gays pros
More freeing
More in touch with sexuality
And can be faminine too
Parades

Cons
Can't get preg
Could be possibly judged and looked on differently

Str8
Pros
Get married ( although same for the LGBT )
Have children ( same as above)

Cons
More trouble
More aggro

Am sorry for me I would rather be gay then str8