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I wish I could shut my heart off

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TinyWerewolf, Oct 26, 2024.

  1. TinyWerewolf

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    This is going to be kind of depressing, so if you aren't in a good place I don't recommend reading this.


    My heart hurts- it's broken. In the past five years I've lost my college experience, almost all my friends, an aunt, a dog, a supportive childhood friend, another family member, an uncle, and my other (much younger) dog. That doesn't even account for three failed relationships, two that broke my heart even more. That's in order, most of them happened this past year. I've practically lost my parents and bio sister (we used to be close) to brainwashing. I assume once I escape I will be cut off from my nieces and nephew. I can't tell my brother anything, or the rest of my family may find out about me or they may resent him after I leave this place.

    I just can't take it anymore, I'm overwhelmed by grief. I wish I didn't feel attraction and I could just not feel anything at all sometimes. You can't have your feelings or heart hurt if you don't have any. Ending up hurt seems to be all I'm good for anyway.
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there,

    I can't imagine the hurt and disappointments you are feeling and going through. (*hug*)

    You are a strong and courageous person - this comes out loud and clear. Your strength and courage will help you to overcome things. Never discount the inner strength you have.
     
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  3. Ran

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    Sending my hugs too. You are so incredibly brave and an amazing person. I'm sad that the people in real life who supposed to accept you no matter what do not see that, but it will be their own karma once they realize what they have lost. Never think you won't ever see your nephew and nieces again. Think of it as a journey for yourself to heal and to grow into the person you want to be. It's never a goodbye, just a long journey. You do not know what future will bring or how or where you will meet up again. We all live under the same sky.
     
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  4. Chillton

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    I'm sorry you had to go through so much and put up with all that. It is hard to shut off your heart and I wouldn't recommend it. You just feel cold and empty inside. It's like trading one bad feeling over another, Like picking your poison. instead I would suggest utilizing all that time, energy, and love you had for other people and just save it all for yourself. If you have no one to love or they reject it, then it's their problem. Just spend it all on yourself and nobody else, until you find someone else.

    After you leave maybe you can explain to your brother what you had to do in order to protect him. Or you can leave a secret letter for him. For ex: ( There is a letter taped to the backside of your 3 dresser drawer).
     
    #4 Chillton, Oct 27, 2024
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2024
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  5. chicadeoro

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    First of all...

    Seconded! You know how much I think of you, Jack. Just to survive in your present circumstances is an immense achievement.

    That list of things and people you have lost - many of those are entirely down to your poisonous family. Pets die and relationships fail, those, sadly, are things that happen to all of us at some point in our lives. But the people who have rejected you, the college education you have missed out on - that's because your interfering parents controlling (or trying to) control your life. Not your fault.

    Yes, being cut off from your family will hurt. BUT on the other side there is a new family, new friends, a new life, a support structure that will sustain and nurture you in the years to come. You just have to find the strength to break on through to that new land of opportunity: the rest of your life.

    You will in all likelihood still feel pain for the rest of your life at what you have left behind, and when you recall these years and how you were treated. But pain is the price we pay for our love. It'll be a scar. And as we get older all of us gain those scars. They're a sign we have lived, have loved, been hurt but have survived.

    Sending you the biggest hugs, my brother..
    Beth xxx
     
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  6. TinyWerewolf

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    Hugs to all of you ❤️

    I genuinely don't get how you lovely people see me as brave or courageous- I feel like a coward. Come to think of it my family has called me a coward my whole life (probably due to my innate fear of spiders and acquired one of needles)...

    As for strength, guess I have some or I wouldn't be alive. My dog(s) were a source of my strength, and a comfort. No sugar coating this hell I live in at times, it just burns. My dogs were like armor against the fire, and now they're gone. I just want the pain to end- but I can't quit.

    I don't know how to love myself. No clue where to even start. I think I'm awful, and it attacks me most with every rejection I take- be that parents, peers, or past partners. I'll spare you the list of my flaws.
     
  7. Mirko

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    Hey Jack,

    Building the capacity to love yourself, and tone down the critical inner voice is going to take some work, and while it might take some time to overcome it, know that with time you will.

    To start with, try to think about your strengths - the things you know you are really good at. It does not matter what they are. In every accomplishment, no matter how insignificant it may seem, there is a strength. Perhaps a start could be to list all of your accomplishments, and then ask yourself, how did you accomplish them?

    Another piece is overcoming shame. Maybe this TED Talk by Brene Brown will help a little in thinking about shame and how you could approach it.

    We all have flaws. Nobody is perfect. And of course, we are self-critical - being critical of ourselves is easier than being kind to ourselves. The negatives, and what we perceive to be flaws, will take over. However, the flaws we identify are most of the time just part of who we are. And often times, the flaws we identify aren't flaws at all.

    Embracing who you are, no matter what others think (whoever they are) is key. Sometimes, people will say things to bring someone else down because they are insecure themselves. Always remember, that the critics don't count - as Brene Brown would say, they are in the cheap seats. What is really difficult and brave, is to be in the arena every single day. And you are in the arena every single day. Trying to be yourself, working on your goals.

    Try to be kind to yourself. If you feel the self-criticism coming up, say it, and counter it with something you know, makes you the person that someone else wants to get to know about you - and you have that. :slight_smile:

    Keep working on your goals of living your life the way you want to, being true to yourself, and surrounding yourself with people who accept and celebrate you.
     
  8. Chillton

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    I get where you're coming from. I pretty much hated myself for my entire life until last year. After I accepted who I was, (flaws and all), I realized I could change that and discover myself, who I wanted to be, and the future I could work towards. I told myself it was ok to hate myself for now, but at the same time I could fall in love with the person I will become and who I strive to be. So slowly I work towards that goal. Slowly I have fallen in love with the person I am becoming everyday, and slowly that person I hate but accept is shrinking every day. At first it is slow and you will get knocked back quite a few times. However, once you build momentum it will go faster.

    So basically I told myself you are in a pit of stagnating despair. I can either go down or up. Both equally suck. However I would rather go up fighting kicking and screaming, than be dragged down kicking and screaming. I still have more work to do as we all do. But it's a lot more manageable and clear now.

    You have a list of your personal flaws. That's perfect. Believe me I have one too. I work a bit on that list everyday. I take it one bullet point at a time and skip around a lot. Sometimes I push myself and sometimes I just take my time. The key is to work on that list when you can. It won't be perfect and your work may not be astounding, but you're getting it done one way or another.
     
  9. TinyWerewolf

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    Today started out with a fight, construction guys outside probably heard. Most people overhearing me fight with my mom with no context probably think I'm a little disrespectful sh*t.

    She wants me to clean my room and bathroom, and wants me to move my art projects. On the surface it's not much but she has a habit of going through or taking my things. The clutter is like a silent alarm indicating what she went through or looked at, and a recurring depression mess. Art is how I cope since she took my game systems and my laptop broke- and my clay projects tend to break when moved. What I constantly hide is my depression and anxiety- I just want it to stop- I'm trying to survive but this is impossible.
     
  10. Ran

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    I'm sorry. Hugs. You are doing your best. She really has no business going into your things. You already know that best would be to get away from them. I also know how hard that is.
     
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  11. TinyWerewolf

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    I forgot to mention she had the audacity to tell me, "all you want to do is paint, and draw, and do projects- but sometimes we have to do things we don't like." As if my life is a bed of roses
     
  12. silverhalo

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    I’m really sorry you are going through that. You probably see yourself as a coward because that is what the people around you are always telling you. I really wish there was a magic spell to help you out of that environment.
     
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  13. Mirko

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    I am sorry to read about your experience today, Jack. It is not easy to be and live in the circumstances you are in at the moment, and know that it will not always be like this.

    I am glad you are writing out your frustrations and experiences. When ever you need to write things out, and if you find it to be helpful, please do so.
     
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  14. TinyWerewolf

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    I just have so much rage and resentment. I don't have somewhere to work on myself outside work
     
  15. Chillton

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    Since your mom is looking for something to harp on,( like clutter in your room as she put it), then maybe you can just focus on drawing so it doesn't take up as much space. I know it's not fair and she'll find something else to get on your case about, but it will be one less thing you have to contend with until you move out.

    I hate suggesting that you need to pick your battles until you move out, but sometimes that is what you have to do,
     
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  16. TinyWerewolf

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    Well I have paintings to finish, and I was going to start a five panel project. Maybe I should just sell the canvases, I threw all my sculptures and spare structural wire in a bag yesterday with the intent of throwing them out. I only kept the finished pieces (they're all tiny).

    I've picked my battles with politics for sure, election day I plan to make myself scarce. Wish I could stay out the whole night but that would make them suspicious. The only one I want anywhere near policy making is Walz.

    I have to let it out somewhere, holding it in is just as bad. Surviving is getting really hard.

    Thank you, I also feel like a coward for being here this long and being here still. I love my family, but my family doesn't love the real me- yet I've stayed.

    It's like watching someone you love devolve into a monster. Any real love they had for you seems fake, though you remember it fondly. You wonder how to cure them, but there is no cure.
     
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  17. Mirko

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    Hey Jack, sometimes you just need to focus on yourself. You can't control how your mum reacts or what she says. But you do have the control of how you react to it and how you maintain control of your own goals.

    Do the things you love to do. Immerse yourself in them and hang on to what is important to you. (*hug*)
     
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  18. TinyWerewolf

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    I love art and it kees me sane- I'd love to get into metalworking or do more sculptures. I want to do engraving art and blacksmithing, maybe even jewelery making. I've branched out into a new type of painting recently, and I'm having fun with it. I don't think she understands it's vital for me to make things- I don't know why but it is
     
  19. Mirko

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    As much as you wish for your mum to understand, and be supportive, there could be reasons informing her approach or not being able or wanting to understand how important creativity, the arts, metalworking are for you. It could be related to her own upbringing to perhaps feeling her dreams for you are not coming true in the way she formed them. Your mum needs to come to terms with 'what is', and that can take some time. It could even take a couple to few years. Hopefully not but it's perhaps something to be prepared for.

    Your passion and interests come out loud and clear. I can only encourage you to pursue them. It's okay if your mum doesn't understand it (yet). Make sure you don't lose sight of what is important to you and gives you a sense of fulfillment.
     
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  20. Chillton

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    If you're good at making little artistic figures then maybe you can hit up the local comic/DND store and take orders to craft figures for people. You could put flyers there or go on event nights to promote a side business.

    If you like metal working then there are metal fabrication shops you can work for. They have entry level jobs and you can slowly learn the machines and work up the ranks. Sometimes if you can learn fast you'll skyrocket up the ranks. It may not be exactly what you want to build, but it could give you a decent paycheck and you can learn a good metal working foundation. However those jobs could have stereotypical guys who are homophobic. You would just have to see.

    If you would like to get into jewelry crafting/repair then I would either go to the jewelry store in person to get the inside scoop on how to break into the business. Or look in the paper or online for jewelry events, Gallas, or locations where they set up to buy gold/diamonds. You might have to work at a jewelry shop in a mall or pawn shop to get some initial experience. Locksmiths also double as jewelers to sometimes.
     
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