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I was so close...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Quiet Raven, May 16, 2015.

  1. Quiet Raven

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    OK, so I can't pass right now. But I decided I'll just do the best I can. If I look like a dude wearing makeup and a skirt, whatever. I have seen other people do it. I heard plenty of people in my area talk about how "guys in dresses" or whatever is perfectly fine and shouldn't be frowned upon. So there is no reason I shouldn't be able to do this right? I got really excited about it, bought some makeup to cover my stubble, bought a skirt I like, a purse. I put it all on, opened the door, and the anxiety set in.

    I even stepped out for a minute. It felt great, for the brief moment I was able to stand there before I had to step back in. I couldn't do it. Was all this for nothing? Heck, the only reason I could even get this far is because my roommate is gone for the weekend and I'm scared to have him see me like this. I figured if I could just go outside on my own first, I might build the confidence to come out to more people including him.

    But no. Unless I manage to find the courage today or tomorrow, it isn't happening.

    But why?? Why am I so fucking scared? Why is this such a big deal??

    I dunno how much more I can wait to start changing...
     
  2. Sevan

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    It takes a long time to feel comfortable with your own identity. The problem with not passing when you desperately want to pass is that you know people around you are seeing you not for the true gender you dress as, but for the birth gender you are hiding. It's a little terrifying to feel like even if you dress that way for yourself, that you're not going to be validated. Or worse, that you might be recognized.
    I bind. And I bind in secret. Every morning, I wake up and wait for my house to empty, for my family to go and do what they need to, and I pull on a binder and just stay in the house. It's for me. And when I see a car roll into the drive, I go and change back out as quickly as I can. I have the luxury of having a quick transformation, so to speak. And I have gone out once while binding with the emotional push and aid of my closest friend. We went for coffee, and I was terrified. I know that people see me as female, that most wouldn't even recognize the term agender if they heard it. That they might not acknowledge the existence of it. And I hate that I feel so comfortable alone in my house than I do in public because currently, I feel the need to be validated by others.

    This is a big deal because by going out and knowing that you might not pass, you are taking charge and telling yourself that you're not doing this for anyone else. That you only need validation from yourself. For me, that's what's so scary. That I feel like I need to be validated by someone else. And I can't come out or bind publicly or work towards my ideal until I stop letting others determine who I am and be confident enough to validate myself.
    It's hard. We spend our lives socialized into a particular gender. We are told by society who we are and should be. And as we make these changes, it's tough to go on and feel secure in ourselves without that same validation that we had before.

    It takes a whole lot of bravery to even step out the way you did. And it takes even more courage to continue. Be patient. While I know it's tough, and you want to change, you need to wait for the courage to be confident in yourself and be willing to declare wholeheartedly to the world who you are, without the expectation that you will be validated by anyone other than yourself.

    You're brave. And admirable. It's hard not to be scared and it wasn't at all for nothing. You need to take small steps before to can take leaps and bounds. It's normal to be afraid. Just keep trying. You'll go further and further each time you try.
     
  3. Quiet Raven

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    Thank you! I actually managed to go for a walk like that. Just circled the area. Barely looking up from my phone... but I did it! :slight_smile:
     
  4. Michael

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    Congrats, that's a first step. As you probably know, any trip begins with a single one.

    It's a big deal for all of us, but with every step we gain more energy and strenght to face the next one.

    There is nothing wrong with us, let them deal with it themselves. They are going to talk anyways, so let them... You've got really nothing to lose, this is your life and your time, and it won't come back.

    To me... As long as I like what I see in a mirror, I don't give a damn about them, I really don't.
     
  5. Invidia

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    You reminded me of a song. Feel free to listen to it, although caution, it might be a bit strong https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUQGJaIRguo

    Just take it one step at a time, honey <3 I know it's not easy. I can go further than you as it is, but it's hard when people look at you differently or with uncertainty on their faces.
    And congratulations on going out! That's awesome!

    hugs
     
  6. Quiet Raven

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    Oh yeah, I have that song on my phone actually!
     
  7. MojoDojo

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    It's all about baby steps. The first time I wore a binder, no one was home, and as soon as my husband came back, I took it off (he gives me the luxury of telling me when he's coming home). Then I went out for coffee, binding but wearing feminine clothing. For longer and longer times.

    It's only been recent that I've been binding on a regular basis. It bothers me that I can't do it at work now because it's almost painful to NOT wear it (12 hour shifts, physical job, nope). It's hard, I know. <3

    Every journey begins with a single step. It's a bit cliché, but it's true. Soon you'll take lots of single steps, one at a time, feeling like you're not making any progress, and you'll look back and realize how far you've come. And congrats on going out!