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I was a douche

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Hats, Oct 21, 2016.

  1. Hats

    Regular Member

    Mar 7, 2015
    Likes Received:
    Gender Pronoun:
    Sexual Orientation:
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Last night I was talking with my partner and she said how naturally she's quite butch in her clothing choices to the point where if she wears baggy jeans people will make comments; it's just that I haven't seen that side of her before because she's always been in fairly conservative environments. She then asked me whether I would approve if she presented like that. I'm sorry, I failed, I said no. :icon_redf Then she said, "I wasn't going to tell anyone this for years, but...I'm agender." She came to realise it during the process of helping me work out what I was. She has stuck with female pronouns. I told her I accepted her; she doubted my honesty. I struggled to work out what it was that was truly the cause of my discomfort at the idea of her presenting as butch, and which in turn made it hard for me to accept her. In the end I realised it's internalised homophobia and transphobia: I fear that by presenting as butch people will read her as a lesbian, which then calls into question the kind of relationship we have, and then people will start to work out that both of us are trans. Basically, my brain is happy for me to tell people I'm nonbinary trans as long as I make sure other people can't work it out for themselves. I apologised and told her I loved her and that I accepted her and that I would do what I could to rectify how I felt, and here we are today. She said she thought I'd be accepting of gender diversity. So did I! :icon_sad:

    I don't need to be told off. I know I'm wrong and as a trans person myself the heavy irony isn't lost on me at all. It's absolutely not fair that I'd prefer to limit her expression simply because I am insecure. What I don't know is how to fix it. :icon_sad: In my heart, I want to accept her. I still love her because I'm pan so her gender identity isn't a factor for me, and walking away from the relationship now would be a truly stupid mistake. And I really can't talk because I'm too afraid not to present as my birth sex even though I crave presenting otherwise. How do I beat my brain so that my heart can express itself reasonably and let my partner express who she is without resenting her?
  2. Cinis

    Cinis Guest

    I think the best way to beat your brain is simply to get used to it.
    I believe that what you are going through has happened to a lot of LGBT people: Trans guys who accidentally slip up in their head when seeing a pre transitioning trans guy, gays and lesbians that stare at homosexual couples on the streets just because it's an unusual thing to see and many other examples are more common than we'd like to believe. Fact is our brain is wired biologically to process these things that way no matter how open minded we are at heart.
    What adds to this in your case is that in societies eyes her identity could make yours seem less valid. Yes,again it's not a nice thought to have but a natural one.
    Neither of these things make you a douche: It's pure biology and you've admitted to yourself that it was wrong, which shows that you are actually very open minded.
    As I said the easiest way to convince your brain is to get used to the situation by correcting it every time your thoughts slip up. That way it will start sorting your partner into the box they want to be sorted in automatically one day. It's a simple process of relearning that has to be repeated for every single person you meet and has nothing to do with close-mindedness but rather with biological bias.

    I hope this helped a bit, good luck to the two of you =).
  3. mangotree

    Full Member

    May 4, 2014
    Likes Received:
    Queensland, Australia
    Everyone feels a bit odd, insecure or annoyed about some part of their partner for various reasons, but they just look past it because they love the person on the inside.
    It's often the case, where couples break up, that they miss the parts that annoyed them the most.
    The only way for you to get used to it is to let her be herself, and try to be brave and patient.