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I want to eventually feel indifferent

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by jjusa, Jun 25, 2021.

  1. jjusa

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    Questioning my sexuality has caused nothing but distress and anxiety for me. I’m thinking of adopting a “meh” dismissive attitude about it because that’s the only thing I believe will protect me from the distress, pain, and sorrow that I feel. It doesn’t make any sense to me that I would feel like this, but I do. If I stop caring about my sexuality and relationships, maybe the pain will go away. Is this a good approach? What are some strategies I can use so that eventually I feel indifferent about it?
     
  2. Ram90

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    Hello the jjusa. Are you currently dating? Trying to explore your sexuality by going out? Meeting people? Chatting with them? Talking to friends?
     
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  3. Unsure77

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    If by "becoming indifferent" you mean attempting to pretend it's happening, I did that for 30 years. Spoiler alert: it doesn't make it go away or make it easier to deal with. If you ignore it, you'll just be old and lonely and trying to learn how to deal with it. Also, I did a looooot of dissociating in order to try to ignore my sexuality and have had two different therapists tell me that's bad for your mental health. It just worsened anxiety issues I already had.

    I'm with Ram. I would take steps to explore it, learn about it, accept it, and embrace it. You don't have to know the answers or have it all figured out. But pretending you don't have the feelings or questions isn't going to make them go away. Probably ever.

    Also, having grief and anger and denial about realizing you're not heterosexual (if that's what you have going on) isn't uncommon. For some people, they're having to let go of this identity and idea of themselves they've always had. You may be letting go of ideas about how your life was going to go. And you're realizing you're in this marginalized group. It can be hard to accept.
     
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  4. I'm gay

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    Of the common stages of loss that we experience in coming to terms with our sexuality (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Grief, Acceptance), I would suggest that attempting to dismiss and feel indifferent about your sexuality is simply more denial and bargaining behavior. "If I just ignore it, it will go away," is the thinking here. It doesn't work. Once you have discovered an undeniable truth to yourself, you can't un-ring that bell. It seems like maybe working on self-acceptance more may help you.
     
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  5. Chip

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    Um, that's a little like saying, for example "OK, I've decided I'm just going to not worry about the fact that my friend is terribly ill" or "that I might lose my job because my company is downsizing" or something like that. In other words... it doesn't work that way.

    Have you sought out therapy? This does indeed sound like something where you need some clarity and/or some help in understanding where you are. Simply shutting off the feelings isn't going to be effective... and if, by some chance it were, it would have the result of taking away pretty much all joy in life, because one cannot selectively suppress emotions.

    So I would suggest that, instead, you may want to explore the idea of therapy to get some help and clarity on where you stand on these things.
     
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  6. Ludo

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    I can only agree to that.
    Extra spoiler alert, if you think waiying longer than those 30 years help : 47 years didn't help either
     
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  7. jjusa

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    Hi. No I am not dating or exploring. I am currently living at my childhood home due to issues, and am trying to leave to eventually be on my own. I’m more comfortable being on my own and not dating, but it would also be nice if I could stop caring what my sexuality is. It’s turned into an obsession. I also don’t have many friends and don’t feel comfortable talking to them about this, not even my therapist
     
  8. jjusa

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    I already feel lonely sitting with the idea that I’m not heterosexual. I don’t know if I’m really not heterosexual, but if I am, that fills my heart with pain and terror because I can’t see myself being happy, ever, living as a non-heterosexual. I can’t see someone of the same gender/sex making me happy. Why would I choose that route if it won’t make me happy? That idea makes me want to disassociate completely. :frowning2:
     
  9. jjusa

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    I’ve tried dating, googling, and talking to people, but I don’t feel more secure or confident in who I am, whatever it is. In fact, I feel even more insecure and emotionally exhausted. Maybe I should just accept that the questions are there inside my head and eventually they will fade away. My thoughts are my thoughts but they don’t define me.
     
  10. jjusa

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    I’ve sought out different therapists for a few years now, but they just tell me to explore myself. I don’t want to engage in any behaviors. I just want to not be stressed out about this lol. I want to no longer care what my sexuality is, whatever it is.
     
  11. MistyMorn

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    Your frustration with this is #1 completely natural and #2 completely understandable.

    All I can offer you is to really take a huge step back. Literally give yourself a break. Get involved in other things as much as possible, not to remove this from your mind or to deny it which trust me, like everyone else is saying, does not work.

    Then when things have settled down for you, start looking at this in tiny bites. Journal. Write a question or concern. Walk away from it. Don't think about it, then in a day or so come back to it and write down how you feel. How you genuinely feel. They may be base questions like Did I ever think someone of the same sex was cute in whatever grade? Then come back yes or no. Maybe explore further and try to answer in what way. Then leave it. And come back with a new question and so on.
    It will help streamline your thoughts. Get things less jumbled in your mind and most importantly HEAL. The questions can be of anything, not just sexuality.
    Once you feel more comfortable keeping asking. It's between you and you and that's it. Try to not put fear or judgement or write the question in a way to trap a warranted answer. Just be authentic because your searching for your authentic self
     
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  12. Unsure77

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    So, I'm not a mental health professional. But, I kind of wonder if it wouldn't be worth exploring why the idea of being lgbt is so upsetting to you. Because I know for me, I wasn't able to face being gay until I was able to work through that. If you're outright gay, so what? If the only people you can love (for the sake of argument) are women, so what? If you marry a woman, so what? Why is it so catastrophic an idea to you? Is it really as bad as you think?

    I kind of wonder if you can get an honest answer about yourself before you make peace with that possibility.

    Also, what makes you think you're not straight? I'm curious about that as well. Is there something that makes you think you might be gay or is it just that the question keeps coming up in your head?
     
    #12 Unsure77, Jun 29, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2021
  13. jjusa

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    I feel like I would be missing out on so much if I wasn't with a man. Like feeling loved, protected, and seeing things from a man's perspective. The question of am I gay comes up because I often have sexual fantasies about women and get strange feelings and behave weirdly around certain women that I can't explain. The question repeatedly comes up in my head. It's possible that I'm straight and am just overanalyzing these things out of anxiety.
     
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  14. Chip

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    If that's honestly all you got, then you had some shitty therapists. Sadly, I feel like "you had some shitty therapists" is a statement I make more often than not. There are a ton a competent therapists that can explore with you to help you understand what's going on for you. What you are describing about what comes up for you would be a rich lode for a competent therapist to explore with you, to help you gain deeper understanding of yourself.

    It makes me physically angry to constantly read about the ineptitude people experience when seeking out therapy. The quality in the profession is embarrassingly bad, and it's super frustrating, because, quite honestly, it should not be that difficult to be competent in the field. But... here we are.

    I hate to just tell you to try again, because you may still have to go through several people to find a competent one. But I can assure you that they are definitely out there. If you PM me your location, it's possible I might know someone in one of my networks that might be worth trying.
     
    #14 Chip, Jun 29, 2021
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2021
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  15. Unsure77

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    So, it’s possible to feel loved and protected in a relationship with a woman. I know lesbian couples that absolutely have that dynamic. You’d just have to find the right person. Meanwhile, just because you’re with a man doesn’t necessarily mean he will be strong or protective. Again, that depends on the person. Not all women are passive and weak and not all men are strong and tough.

    Yes, you wouldn’t be living with a male or a male perspective (if you ultimately wound up with a woman), but you would be getting a different person’s perspective or you could maintain friendships with men. I work with lots of men, so I see and talk to men every single day. And if you turned out to be bi-sexual or pan sexual, you could still date women and men and ultimately wind up with a man.

    Plus, no matter what your sexuality is, nobody is going to make you do something you don’t want to do. You can date or not. Marry or not. And you’re going to be the one choosing the people you do all this with.

    Therapy with a therapist who could help you work through everything does sound a good idea, like Chip said.
     
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  16. jjusa

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    Thanks Chip. I appreciate the support. I’ve begun to lose my trust in therapists because they’re just not competent enough to help me in my situation- which I feel is unique and not in the textbooks, but I hope you are right and that there are good therapists out there.

    I’ve been used and abused by women my whole life so it’s shocking for me to see that womanxwoman relationships can be healthy and wonderful. I’m definitely envious of lesbians who can form loving relationships lol. It doesn’t feel real to me I guess. Thank you for giving me some perspective