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I want to cheat on my husband but I know its wrong

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by suzieblue, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. suzieblue

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    Ok I just want to tell you guys what a shallow bitch I am I just gotta get it out there. I want to cheat on my lovely hubby!!!

    I am a married, female, 15 years and 43 years old with 2 teenage children. I've known I was gay since MY teenage years, but have always hid it and have never been with a woman before.

    I fancy a woman in my local running club she has become, over the years, a close family friend. Hubby totally trusts me with her and has said he thinks our friend is gay! I am almost positive there is a huge connection and a potential for something sexual in nature to happen between us. we go on organised running weekends away often. Although nothing has happened yet. I want to make my move when we go to Dublin in a couple of weeks.
    I fantasize about her all the time when i am in orgasm,:rolle: my husband thinks its his love making....ha:roflmao:! At this point, I know it's not the ethical thing to do, but if I had an opportunity to be with her on the side, without my husband knowing, I would do it and get away with it. He adores me, to him, I am whiter that white. I am at this stage where I feel like I only have one life to live, I'm 43 and time is ticking, and I want to fulfill my sexual desire for another woman.
    I don't want to leave my husband 37 or children, so if something were to happen between the other woman and me, I would have to be clear that I only want this to be our secret affair. I want to be fair with her feelings. If she is not in sync with me, then I won't get involved.

    I know adultery is wrong. and its wrong to want to have an affair, I pretend to be a happily married woman, have done for years. I want sex on the side and my hubby and kids to come home to. I want it all. I am selfish, self centred and arrogant, thinking I can f*ck around and then go home to my husband. I must be a lesbian, and I'm ashamed of this contemplated affair. I am stealing my hbs resources, his life, his time by pretending to want to be with him and living a lie. this is a farce of a marriage, he deserves better and I owe him the truth at least. I'm just not committed to him any more but he doesn't have a clue poor dear. I have no ethics/morals or integrity and I'm living a lie and wasting my hbs life. I want to allow him the opportunity to meet a straight woman, someone who will love him as a man should be loved -totally and uncompromisingly but I know he would be so hurt. it would crush him. I am selfish and greedy. I know this is WRONG. I have seen other threads on here which give me the impression its ok to have an affair and cheat on your unsuspecting spouse!

    So, should I go for it, or not?(*hug*)
     
  2. Kay

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    Welcome to EC!!! How does this make you a shallow bitch? If you have after so many years discovered something new about your sexuality it does not make you shallow or a bitch love. It makes you like many people. There are some good books listed in the LGBT Later in Life. This does happen. You need to relax and ease up on yourself you are not a bad person to make a later in life discovery. Hugs sweetheart.
    You go for it and if this is truly your direction you will find happiness and fulfillment.
     
  3. Naomilly92

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    I wouldn't recommend cheating on your husband, as tempting as it sounds. I think if I was in your shoes, I would be tempted to sleep this person, however, you have to consider your husband and how much you could hurt him. I do think you should tell him you're gay, ask him for a break or breakup with him before you go to Dublin, and then you'll be free to do what you want with this woman
     
  4. FruitFly

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    It is not shallow to have these desires, nor is it wrong to think about acting upon them. Whether or not it is OK to have an affair and remain with your spouse is a subject of slight debate and despite what may be thought there is no definitive right/wrong answer. Not really.

    I can see the benefits of having an arrangement with another woman where you both know that the relationship you two have is nothing more than a secret encounter, that you have no intention of leaving you husband and in keeping this from your husband. I can see why this is a preferred option for many who have been married a number of years, have built a family, all of that. You have a structured lesbian relationship that fulfills your desires and it allows you to go about your married life without being preoccupied about the unknown/unfulfilled desires. This can, and does, work.

    However my personal preference is that until how you feel and what you wish to do has been discussed with your partner then such an arrangement can cause more pain than I, personally, think it's worth. Coming to this stage after so many years of marriage is a huge thing, and the complications that arise from discussing this with your husband, from the unknown reaction, everything, can be daunting and awful to consider. But at some point they need to be considered, unless a secret affair is satisfactory for all involved and no one ever wants anything more.

    With this said you have already said what my response would be to all of that; I only have one life to live, I'm 43 and time is ticking, and I want to fulfill my sexual desire for another woman.

    I would not say time is ticking, but you have one life to live and you know what your sexual desires are. One life. A life where you have already been a wife and mother, built a home, and lived a life of hiding your sexuality. If your husband thinks the world of you, if he adores you, then regardless of whether you would be able to get away with it or not he deserves to know that you have these feelings. It'll hurt him, there's no escaping that, but you both have one life to lead.

    You say you have no ethics, morals or integrity; that's a teeny tiny lie now isn't it. I mean, if you honestly did not have such things why would you be posting on this forum and recognising that cheating on your husband is perhaps not the right thing to do :wink:. You'd do it, and feel nothing in regards to the feelings of the woman you slept with and you most likely would not be calling yourself an arrogant, selfish woman. As Kay said you have come to a point which many come to, where the desire to fulfill their desires is as strong as their desire not to break up the family unit (for whatever reason that may be).

    However I, personally, think you do need to have an open, honest talk with your husband and see how he reacts. It may crush him, he may be devastated, but at least the hurt is coming directly from you before you have done anything which could hurt him more. You both deserve better than this. You deserve to live the life you want to live, and he deserves to live a life where the wife he loves is honest about her sexuality. This can take time, and it can be an incredibly difficult process depending on the emotional attachments involved. Rarely will someone actively want to have this sort of discussion with their partner of several years, especially at this stage of life where a family has been established. It is difficult and complicated, but even if the world you have built comes crashing down at least it has come crashing down because you told the truth.

    Whether you should go for it or not ... I cannot give any real advice on that. I can only say that whatever actions you take must be ones that you feel are best for you and your family. I hope you find the resources on EC useful.
     
  5. skiff

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    Are you asking about cheating or rather for permission to divorce?
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Gay or strait cheating is cheating. You should deal with relationship your in before starting another one or be very honest with husband and tell him you want to pursue a relationship with this woman. Cheating is an easy habit to get stuck on when you don't want to deal with your stuff.
     
  7. ReyJ

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    I wouldn't suggest it personally- if it ever came to light (which these things nearly always do), you'd face losing any relationship with your husband, but also potentially with your children. If I found out that my Mum was cheating with anyone, then I would be absolutely devastated. If something like this came to light you may be putting your children in a position where they feel like they have to choose a side.

    But at the same time, I wouldn't suggest that you repress yourself either as that can only end badly too. If you are considering cheating on your husband is it really a worthwhile relationship to still be in?

    Sorry to not actually really offer any advice, I just wanted to give my opinions to you. Whatever you choose, you have come to the right place for support and I hope you manage to resolve things (*hug*)
     
  8. The Dude

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    Hi there.

    There's nothing wrong with your feelings. There's nothing wrong with being with a woman. However, from the perspective of a teenager who is dependent on his parents, please consider your children when you make these decisions. I don't know how old they are, maybe they are adults but maybe they're 13 and 14. There is a big difference between a 19 year old and a 13 year old, or a kid in college/on his/her own or in middle school. My point is, cheating on your husband is essentially cheating on your kids. You only said they were teenagers, so I can't tell how old they are. They are teenagers, nonetheless.

    There are five people being affected by these decisions: you, the woman from the running club, your husband and your children. Keep all of them in mind when you make a decision.

    Also, would a secret affair be okay with you? Maybe you'd be fine with it, but maybe you'd feel guilty and have a heavy weight on your shoulders. I'm not here to judge the ethics behind this, but try to guess how you'd feel after the event. If you could live with the affair, maybe you should go for it. If you think, morally, it'd be a bad idea and it would be a burden to live with, maybe not.

    Good luck to you, whatever it is you decide on. I'm only 18 and can't give much advice, only from that of a teenager.

    Also, at the end of the day, you deserve to be happy. At potentially the expense of your family though? That's the question, isn't it?
     
    #8 The Dude, Mar 27, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2013
  9. BBird75

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    Hi Suzieblue :slight_smile:
    Your post could almost exactly be me one year ago! I'm 38 and at the end of 2012, left a 15 year marriage, because I was in a relationship with the woman who is now my partner, someone I know from my running club! I have two kids aged 13 and 19, and my husband previously thought I was practically a saint!! :confused:

    When I first let things go to the 'next stage' with my gf, I never thought there was even a chance that I'd leave my marriage - my biggest fear was that *she* would get hurt. But the relationship developed with such intensity... Within 3 months of first sleeping with her my relationship with h was over.

    Life's too short for regrets, but if I cd go back and change anything it would be to have ended my marriage (which wasn't working on a number of levels) before starting my new rlx.

    I will say thought, on the subject of kids, mine have surprised me in that they don't seem to judge me harshly. My eldest is a rock of support for me, and my thirteen yr old daughter, although she's struggling with embarrassment over having a gay mum, and hasn't accepted my partner yet, she absolutely still loves and respects me.

    Lots to consider SuBlu! Hopefully it's ok to say on here, have you found the site AskJoanne? Lots of advice and support there for women too :kiss:

    Good luck and keep posting.
    Bluebird x
     
  10. Dublin Boy

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    This One

    I have been cheated on & it's one of the worst things you can do to another Human Being, I felt like shit & suicidal, by all means end the marriage if you are unhappy & want to be with a woman, but end the marriage because you are Gay not by cheating on your Husband, this is the Father of your children, he deserves better!
     
  11. HEREIAM2

    HEREIAM2 Guest

    Three words: go for it!..................I personally think monogamy is nonsense and the notion that one should feel obligated to be faithful to one person, when one does not really want to, one of the greatest cons sold to the human race. You have denied all expression of your true sexuality for life (if anything I would be a bit bothered over that) partly for the sake of your relationship with your husband. I think you deserve to give this a shot.

    ---------- Post added 30th Mar 2013 at 01:28 PM ----------

    I find that a totally absurd comment. Almost some kind of anti-feminist nonsense designed to strike fear and guilt into a woman and keep her in her place. Having a fling (ar least) with another woman has little to do with her kids. Sure wouldnt want my daughter to repress her sexuality or any other aspect of her personality in the manner the OP has.
     
    #11 HEREIAM2, Mar 30, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2013
  12. biAnnika

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    You need advice in a forum to tell you whether cheating is ok? Seriously?

    Non-monogamy can be a fine thing...but cheating? How can that *possibly* be ok?

    Would cheating at cards be ok? Cheating on a test? Cheating on your taxes?

    If you want to go outside of the bounds of the relationship you are in, then renegotiate those bounds. Otherwise, don't pretend that you respect your partner.
     
  13. cityofangels

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    I can't make that decision for you. Only you can make that decision. You should do what your heart tells you to do. Essentially, you should do what is going to make you happy.
     
  14. mariebadger

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    You have to ask your self about what kind of person you are? Are you a liar and a cheater? Do you have any self respect? Do you really think that you can live this fantasy and not impact other human beings with your desire to have an affair? Gay or Straight - those questions are relevant.

    Your spouse, presumably loves and trusts you. You have already deceived him and created a shell of a life. Don't add insult to injury and step out. Hopefully you have more self respect than that.
     
  15. madi

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    It doesn't seem fair to your husband to keep him in the dark about this to me. His time is ticking too and the longer you string him along the longer he'll have wasted with someone that doesn't feel for him what he feels for them. Your feelings for this woman are completely understandable, but I would suggest maybe telling your husband? It would devastate him, but lying to him isn't right.
     
  16. returning

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    This. The others talking about how monogamy is wrong/bad/overated: I mostly agree with you. But a couple has a right to to expand and contract the limits of a relationship, TOGETHER. Even (if not more so) polyamourist relationships have rules! Sorry to seem harsh, but I think that you should either leave the relationship, or try to negotiate with your husband. ( I do not recommend doing nothing, though.)







    Oh, and i have no problems with people cheating on their taxes though.
     
  17. Rexmond

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    It's better your husband finds out from you, in the easiest way possible, than from any other source because it can really fuck him up mentally and emotionally. My dad had an affair behind my mum's back, and when she found out she become mentally ill, suffered from anxiety and now we have to deal with it, how they are still together is beyond my knowledge, but I'm sure it won't be for long.

    If you care about your husband like you say to do, the least you could do is tell him what's really going on before you depart on the trip!
     
  18. RenOneFTW

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    Please don't cheat! Some people are deeply monogamous and cannot understand why they couldn't be everything to the person they are with in a relationship. Tell him your secret.... after 15 years of marriage and two children, you've probably shared many secrets (in a marriage of 10 years with one, I sure have).
    Look up open marriages, polyamory, etc. There are lots of people that are in hetero relationships/marriages and find out they're not straight.. that doesn't mean you have to throw away everything you've built together. It just means you need to change it.