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I want my friend so bad

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Coctober, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. Coctober

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    I've always been sexually aroused by boys, have fooled around with boys since age 13, but it's always just been a lust and nothing more. I have been inlove with girls and have had girlfriends and I'm certain I'm not fully gay.

    I have this friend I used to work with and the first time I ever saw him (when he started) I don't know what it was about him but I just had to talk to him, about anything!

    Fast forward a few weeks, every weekend when he'd walk into work he'd smile at me straight away and I'd feel this intense bundle of joy in my stomach and I'd just be so happy to see him. He has such an awesome personality and we could talk for hours. He's also hot, perfect body, good hair, my type in every way.

    Anywho fast forward again a few months I quit the job because I was about to go to Europe for a month and he asked me to go to the movies just us two (he's had a gf at this point for 3 years). We hang out just us two and we have a good time and he says when I get back to from Europe we should hang out just us two more!

    The more we hang out the more and more I get emotionally attached to him and hes constantly complementing me on things and texting things like "you looked sexy af" and "cutie" and "love you" etc

    One time I was really drunk and I snap chatted him and said I'm bisexual and he said "that's cool man" and we didn't speak of it after

    Then he broke up with his girlfriend and started partying more and getting with girls (killed me inside)

    And then one time we were at a bar together and there was this guy there that I hooked up with ages ago and he came and said hi then I told my friend that that was a guy I hooked up with once and he said "he was pretty good looking"

    Then later that night I texted him basically saying I wanted him. He replied with "ahh man, if I was bi I'd definitely go for you"

    Then we never talked about that again and proceeded like normal

    Fast forward to last week, since I'm moving cities for a new job he took me out to dinner for a final catch up, and after dinner he took me to this foreshore that was really secluded and we sat along the river close together and just talked for 2 hours. My heart was racing and I just wanted to kiss him there and then, to touch him, to cuddle him. But I didn't

    Then as we were leaving I said "can I give you a hug" and his face lit up with a smile and he said "of course man" and we hugged a bit

    And he says he will come visit me in a months time (and stay with me at my 1br apartment)

    Literally kills me that I feel so much for him, there's no other person I've ever felt like this about. He gives me so much attention, I know he cares about me. He is literally the only person I'd come out for, risking being disowned, losing friends and family and I wouldn't even care as long as I had him!

    There have been so many moments through text and things he does that someone could see as him wanting me but in reality he doesn't unless he's just waiting for me to make a physical move, idk

    Advice? I'm really keen on him coming to visit me but I think he'll just want to party and get with girls but no harm in seeing what will happen when we're drunk in the same bed together
     
  2. Ljjgreat2017

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    I think you should take your time. Get to know him. Have a few conversations with him. Make sure things are gradual.
     
  3. MisterMissy

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    So... let me see if I got this right.

    He has sent you texts calling you "sexy af" and "cutie" and "love you?" He is emotionally close enough to you to let you two hug for longer than an average hug. He likes spending personal time with you at different places, at restaurants, at the movies, etc. And yet he has expressed that he himself is not gay or bisexual?

    I dunno, that doesn't add up for me. Being incredibly friendly and showing love to you like a best friend is one thing. And if you were straight and he were the gay one, everything you've described would make a lot more sense. But the way you've expressed how his actions have been, it sounds like he really could be gay, it's just he's watching his actions carefully so that he doesn't cross a line where he must admit to himself, or you, that he is.

    I deeply feel for you, Coctober (great name btw). This was probably one of the most engaging personal stories I've read on EC. Reminds me of the anime movie, "5 Centimeters Per Second." You love him, and you want to be with him, but it's up in the air if he can love you back in the same way. My best advice in this case is perhaps just try to keep things going as they have. If he likes spending time with you as much as he has, then there seems to be something there, he just may need more time to come to terms with how he feels. Who knows, one day, or one night, something could come of it.

    However, in terms of your last sentence there, I would not advocate intentionally orchestrating a situation wherein a person you like could, in their drunken state, show open affection to you in the way you want, but not in the way that they would want if they weren't drunk. It's too sneaky if done on purpose, because it undermines their wants or wishes by allowing them to be susceptible to the situation at hand, and more importantly, there's a chance that neither of you will even remember what happened.

    There was already another person here on EC who told a story of how one of his friends, whom he liked somewhat, ended up back at his place, both of them were drunk, and the friend started fooling around with him. But by morning, only the one guy remembered everything, but his friend didn't. So all that came out of it was a single special night that cannot be built upon in terms of a relationship, because both parties did not wake up aware of what transpired.

    So please, if it happens, then something may come of it. But try to think of things in an honest way and don't try to steer things that way on purpose. You might just end up feeling guilty about it later.
     
    #3 MisterMissy, Feb 27, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2017
  4. Coctober

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    MisterMissy, wow thank you for that constructive reply!

    The thing about keeping it going and seeing what happens is just too time consuming and emotionally draining. If I'm emotionally keeping myself attached to him for the "what if" it could never happen. And I'll probably end up depressed and missed opportunities on others. I feel like I need to just kiss him, catch him off guard and if he pushes me back then I'll definitely know, but if he lingers for a few seconds...I'll burst into confetti

    Uhhhh
     
  5. NCJay

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    Hi Coctober. I really feel your pain coming through your words and I can empathize. I went through something similar recently and I hope my experience can help you. I developed a close friendship with a guy I'll call Adam over about 6 months while I was living in. Y previous city. I had to travel back to that city for several months during the transition and would stay with Adam for the 3 or four days very other week while I was back. We had a very intense emotional connection and would share similar dialogue to what you describe, only in my case Adam is gay. We would stay up all night drinking whisky and talking. Sometimes he would fall asleep on my shoulder and we would wake up holding each other. The longer this went on the deeper I fell in love. My every thought was consumed with him when we were apart. My friends warned me that I might be reading too much into things, but I was so sure we were meant to be. My mind would run through every interaction and look for proof we should be together. And then one day I kissed him. It just happened. And he Freaked. However the next day he tried to pretend it never happened. After several months of this I finally confessed my feelings. And the friendship ended. In retrospect, I was very overt in letting his m know I was attracted to him, so he knew the door was open for more. The fact that he didn't act should have let me know he wasn't interested. But when I pressed the issue and gave him no way to go back to our platonic relationship, things got weird.

    Your friend knows about your attraction and told you he's not interested. You should do what you can to move on or risk destroying your relationship. If he ever changes his mind and wants more, I'm sure he'll let you know :slight_smile:

    Best of luck to you!
     
  6. Zen fix

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    What I've gathered here is that you've danced around your attraction to him. You tested the waters via text, that's understandable given how explosively people can react, and he has shown that he's not going to completely flip out over this. But we don't know where he is and I don't think you really can know through text.
    I think you have to go for it and tell him how you feel. He needs to hear it and see for himself that you're serious. And he has to let you know if he can return those feelings or be in a romantic relationship with you. If he can't you need him to be honest about it so you can move on.
     
  7. Coctober

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    Just an update to the situation

    September 2017 I went back to my old city for a weekend for a wedding, and we caught up one night. Everything rushed right back, all the feelings, emotions, and we were in a big city park alone and I was ready to jump on him but once again, I didn't. When I left the city the next day my days were just anxiety, feeling down and empty,

    To help me mentally and clear my head I wrote out something I was going to just send to him over text, which was;

    I don’t know if you’ve noticed, or if it’s been obvious, that I am so fucking in love with you. Since the moment I met you, you’ve just been attractive af to me. You’re the only guy I’ve ever felt like this about, there’s literally no other guy I could ever feel for like this. I don’t want it to be like this but it’s just the way it is. And the way you are with me, it’s not something I can just take in lightly, especially since you know I’m into guys too and you still compliment me and say things I other person ever does, and it makes you so hard to resist. I keep overthinking about every little thing you ever say to me, every little cute compliment etc, I can’t handle it, if you were any other guy I’d be like yeah whatever but for some reason I just can’t with you and it keeps fucking me up. I thought by moving to Melbourne I’d get over you but at certain times it all keeps rushing back. I hate myself. I don’t even know how you will respond to this, you don’t even have to respond at all but I just want to let it all out otherwise I can’t keep it in, the anxiety is too real. I don’t know, maybe this might ruin our friendship, but I can’t keep thinking “what if” with the way you are with me. I need you to just say “it will never happen”, just say those words and in my mind I’ll 100% know that me and you will never happen, and only then I can let myself move on because I keep living off those “what if” thrills and it’s bad for me and my mind. Sorry to throw all of this onto you in one go, but until I know for sure, I can’t let it go.

    I ended up bitching out and didn't send it.

    Fast forward May 2018, I went back to his city again for longer this time, and we hanged maybe 7 of the 10 days, and that made me feel good when I left as I thought my last visit and seeing him once wasn't enough for my mind. From this moment we start to facetime every now and then, and I feel satisfied just interacting this way, for now.

    Fast forward September 2018, him and the rest of our group of friends came to my city for a weekend of partying, but he came a day earlier to stay with me first and spend time with me alone before we party hard and stay in the city with the rest. When I picked him up at the airport, it's like my mind had just forgotten how attractive he was, because I became surprised at how much my body wanted to just jump on his body and the attraction hit me hard.

    The first day we spend together is all joy, and at night he stays with me in my bed. This was my chance to 'test' the waters. I just put my arm around him and did a light little cuddle to see how he'd respond. He didn't pull away...he lets me have my arm around him in bed. I salvage this moment as long as I can before we fall asleep. My heart is beating a thousand beats per minute which he can definitely feel because it's as if my body is shaking his.....and after about 20 minutes I back off so I can fall asleep instead of staying there thrilling.

    Next day I wake up confused with mixed emotions but also very happy that he's next to me. We don't speak about me touching him, it's like he's just comfortable with me in any way. This day the rest of the crew arrive and we go to our city apartment. At night as we pre drink my mind starts to overthink like crazy and this sadness dawns upon me and I just become quiet and sad (and a bit drunk), because just seeing him there, makes me miss him, even thought we are in the same room.

    He notices somethings up, and there's nothing I can do about the situation. They tell me to try MDMA, which I've always been scared of doing in case I die from the first one, but at that point in time I actually didn't care if I did, so I took a pill they gave me. They said it will kick in in about 30 to 45 minutes.

    I stare at my watch every 5 minutes, counting. We're in a club, and all I do is watch him try to dance with girls, my sadness is at its peak, as I still wait for this drug to kick in. It's been an hour and I don't know what I'm supposed to feel so I can't tell, and I still felt sad. 30 minutes later, BOOM! and my seratonin levels explode. This....this feeling is...beyond explainable. I feel on top of the world and I don't even care about this guy at this point, my body is just in a trance.

    I go outside to the balcony where friend B is. Out of the blue, friend B says, "hey xxx you're gay aren't you?" I become shocked but since I was on drugs I didn't care and said "yeah I guess". Friend B then says "it's okay we already know and none of us care, just be yourself"
    A wave of relief hits me, and then he says, "you have a lil thing for xxx don't ya?"
    I was a bit shocked but not surprised that I didn't hide the love well, and said 'yeah' followed by him saying, "it's okay, but we can gaurentee you he's straight"

    Friend C and D rock up to our proximity, and friend B grabs them and says "alright circle time" and we get in a circle, and B says "we all know xxx is gay yeah?" friend C and D look a bit surprised but say "yeah!" and B says "he's still our boy right?" and you get the jist.

    I honestly couldn't believe the support, which felt really good.

    I then walked right up to the one i'm in love with, and said straight out; "are you 100% straight?" and he said "yeah, i'm reaaalllyyy really sorry.....I love you tho"
    This rush of relief, like a weight has been lifted hits me, as my 'what if' question is finally answered. I didn't even feel sad, as it was the answer I was expecting 80% of the time.

    Later in the AM, while still on MDMA, not giving a fuck and feeling 1000%, I face timed my sister and told her straight out, with my friends around me, giving me support. She wasn't really surprised and said she supports me which I already knew she would.

    Next day I wake up, feeling a bit dead and empty but feel good that this has all cleared my head. Next 2 days were a repeat- clubbing and MDMA.

    The Sunday night was when they were all leaving, and after I left the city apartment to go to my car and drive home, this overbearing sadness, like an ending of an era, the ending of a thrilling chase that has lasted in my head for over 2 years, hits me hard, and I start to ball my eyes out and cry very loud the whole drive home, where I continued to just cry. I literally wanted to die. Taking 6 caps of MDMA over 3 nights was probably a bad idea especially for my first time, but I literally cried myself to exhaustion then fell asleep.

    Next day got up and felt good for the first half a second then felt the emptiest I ever have in my life. I dragged myself to work where I was good at hiding emotion and felt okay as I was distracted by all the work, but at night time, when I got home, all the memories from the weekend and him staying with me there the first night were overbearing me. I couldn't deal just staying home alone, so I drove back to the city and just walked around frantically trying to exhaust myself...re walking paths we did over the nights, until I was tired enough to go home and sleep.

    I did this for a whole week. This comedown, I know was amplified 1000% because of the heartbreak. After a week it improved alot, but it took a good 5 weeks or so to get back to my normal good feeling level. This heartbreak was just too much, but I healed 95%.

    We regularly facetimed but didn't really talk much about my feelings and the whole situation, so I told him I want to dnm and he said yes whenever I want. So I started to write out in notes what I was going to say, and it blew up that I needed 4 days to write it all, which ended up being 8000 words. It was basically my life story of how everything came to be, and how and why I fell so hard for him etc etc.

    One night in November we facetime and I let it all out. He was so accepting of everything! and our friendship was then tighter than ever. He also opened up to me about some other things none of the other guys know about, such as him getting bad anxiety every morning that he has to take lexapro for (which I had no idea about and couldn't sense). His birthday is that coming weekend, and he tells me I should definitely try to come to it, but I tell him I wish i could but I can't (but i had already organized with friend B that encouraged me, that I'm gonna fly in and surprise him for it)

    The friday was when I was flying in and the saturday was his birthday event. I was at work getting paranoid about the flight as the same flight the previous few weeks had been eventually cancelled, and then at some point on the thursday I saw the flight had been delayed, so I panicked and just bought another flight that night just incase, because I couldn't afford for that flight to be cancelled and I have to go the next day which is on the event.

    On the saturday when I'm in that city, friend B picks me up and we rock up to bae's house for pre drinks before a festival, and I hide behind the gate, and friend B says to him "come help me get something from my car" so they open the gate and I appear, and he's soo shocked and his face lights up with a huge smile and he can't believe im there! The time is good and I'm also very happy that my body has healed and I can just get on with our friendship etc. etc.

    It had also been 3 months since the MDMA so I was keen to do it again this time but with the right mindset, taking full precautions to minimize any comedown.

    He has an older sister who is 34, just separated from her husband and was in a bad place in life at the time, who had come out with us and also did MDMA (she looked 22), anyway we got talking and bae said, you can only talk about anything, to this guy

    Events unfolded and she was like, "omg yourrrrrrr that guyyyyyyyy xxx was telling me about bla bla bla", i was like fuck, he must've told her everything (which I didn't really care about)

    At the festival me and her were talking more, both on MDMA, and she kept saying she likes my style etc. etc. and my mouth just whipped out "I'd kiss you right now" and she said "will it include tongue?" and we just started going at it,

    Bae see's and comes and splits us up, i honestly couldn't believe what had just happened, and it kind of felt good to get him angry with me, and I was like explaining that it's all the MDMA and he's like thats fine its all good bla bla bla, and I was like "punch me" just wanting him to unleash anything but he didn't, and then I just ignored his sister the rest of the day and night

    The next day I felt really good, I was waiting for the comedown to kick in but....nothing...and same as the next day.

    It just meant that most of the first comedown was actually pure heartbreak which I was glad it was just that

    Then for Nye i went back to that city to spend nye with the squad and do more MDMA, I'm feeling good, good to just be around him and the guys, my mind is clear, I'm like certain I'm over him etc. etc.

    at almost 12am, he's with this girl that he sees every now and then and her friend was with them so I was with the friend and we were dancing and at 12 me and the girl hooked up, while bae and his girl hooked up, and then right after he comes up to me and says "on the mouth!!" and gives me a kiss on the mouth straight out! Honestly was such a good feeling, but also I knew it was just the excitement of the drugs and festival and I know it'll never be more than that, and because I know that, I feel great.

    After the festival ended we went to a club where he again kissed me on the mouth!

    few days later right before I go back to my city we catch up over lunch and life is gooooooooood, our friendship is goooooooood, and I feel goooooooood

    Anywho in August we're all going on a euro trip so we'll see if anything happens then lol

    (i didnt proof read any of this so soz if it's messy)