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I want her back

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Uncolored, Jul 7, 2017.

  1. Uncolored

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    I dated the girl of my dreams a few months ago, starting in February. She was everything I wanted and from date one I thought that I had the very real potential of proposing to her one day. We had instant chemistry and it was obvious that everything we shared was mutual. We dated for three months. I know that does not seem like a lot of time but it was the longest I have ever dated someone before, (I have been waiting for the right person). We texted all the time and I saw her about once a week. We had a lot of fun together and I developed a really comfortable emotional connection with her which I felt was mutual. We were never official; she did not want to rush things and I was okay with that.
    I noticed within the last two weeks or so that we dated that things were fading (from her end) and I never figured out why. I noticed that she would read texts and not reply for a few hours. I am one to admit my mistakes (and believe me I made my share of mistakes while dating her which I admitted to), but looking back I can see that I honestly did nothing wrong that would have made her run away.
    It has been three months since things ended and I have found it very difficult to accept that it ended without knowing the reason, "Why?". She never gave me a real reason. I am still not over her and I am definitely still head over heels in love with her. With help from my therapist I have accepted that there were concerns about her that I found challenging when we dated. Without writing too much here, I can tell you that she was a non-communicator and often would not tell me things until they really bothered her; she was controlling in that there was always a constant anxiety that I could not share my feelings with her; she was also difficult to read (not helpful considering I depend on my intuition); and she was also able to withhold emotional attachment (which she learned how to do in medical school).
    I really want her back. I have done a very good job at not running back to her, seeming needy, stalking, texting etc. I had sent her one brief but heartfelt text about a week an a half after she ended things and that was it. She never deleted me from social media and continued to like some of my most important posts after we dated. I'm suspicious that she might regret it or that she might be willing to try again. However, the ball is on her court and I don't want to risk coming off as needy.
    What would you do? Advice? Opinions?
     
  2. ConnectedToWall

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    Funny that you should say that...right now I really want one of my old girls back too. Haha, I don't know if she wants me though....:thinking::thermometer_face::tired_face::joy:
     
  3. silverhalo

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    Hey that's a tough situation.

    When you sent her the heartfelt text did she reply?
     
  4. Uncolored

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    No, in fact I ended the text with "I don't expect a reply, for what it's worth I just wanted to tell you how I feel." I sent that text to her at the beginning of May.
    I probably should let her go though. However, I believe that she probably ended things for some really silly and solvable reasons that she just didn't want to talk about. I find that very frustrating. We had something similar happen halfway through the dating process and maybe she doesn't think I would give her a second chance.
    I will tell you however that I was rebounded. I know that much. We started dating a month and a half after she left a very serious relationship. I wonder if she was just not ready and does not even know herself that she was not ready. Plus, I was not like her ex.
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    Hey Uncolored,

    From the limited amount of information that you posted on this thread, I thought that this was a key piece of information. If you were a rebound relationship for her, she almost certainly didn't take it as seriously nor invest as much emotional capital in it as you did. Perhaps that's why she ultimately left. It seems likely that she wasn't ready for another serious relationship yet and when she realized how hard you were falling for her (I'm sure your feelings must have been quite obvious to her, but she probably didn't notice them early-on because she wasn't looking for a relationship that serious from the start), it probably scared her. She might have felt bad for essentially 'leading you on.' She might have been too scared, guilty, or embarrassed to tell you that she never even considered a serious relationship with you (or anyone else at that point) when the two of you started dating. I'm just speculating, of course, but it seems that there are many reasons that indicate that the problem was most likely on her end, not yours.

    Just my 2cents.
     
    #5 Quantumreality, Jul 8, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2017
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  6. Uncolored

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    Thanks, that was very helpful. I think that everything you wrote is at least true to a degree and I think the part about feeling bad for leading me on is probably pretty accurate (although I didn't consider that side before). You are definitely right about the scared part. I do think that when she saw that I was falling for her that it scared her. In fact she told me that she didn't like that I found her distracting.
    I do think that she was looking for the long haul however. I know she is looking for a relationship that could equal marriage (as am I). I think that she was looking for an extension of the relationship that she had with her ex but you are right that she probably wasn't looking for a serious relationship from the start. Everything you said I think rings true. Thanks for the fresh perspective I never considered.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    You probably should let her go but I get the feeling you might always wonder what if. So perhaps it is worth talking to her or sending her one last message and just asking if there is any chance of a reconciliation. I'm not saying that the right thing to do but I wonder if it would just put your mind to rest.
     
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  8. Quantumreality

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    Hey Uncolored,

    I certainly don't want to gainsay anything that silverhalo wrote, but you already said that you wrote her a 'final' text a week and a half ago.

    I completely understand and agree with what silverhalo is suggesting. It's about closure. For you. But only you know the real situation and whether it is better or not for you to pursue direct closure with her or to simply let things go.

    Just saying...
     
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  9. Uncolored

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    Yes, I wrote her a final text at the beginning of May.
    I am doubtful that she would text me back if I texted her. I would give it a 10% chance that she would. It probably isn't worth the try and the last thing I want is to come off needy and then regret texting her later. It's very sad honestly. I'm trying to remember that there are other fish in the pond but in such a small pond it is very hard to be hopeful, especially considering that I am looking for some qualities that are rarer to find in a partner (Christian, adventurer, and long term seeking among a few others). I think that my fear is that it is going to take me a while and a lot of effort to find someone compatible.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Ok so it sounds like you have decided it's a bad idea which I think is the right decision I just wanted to make sure you made it for yourself. It is a smaller pond than the straight one but that doesn't mean there isn't someone out there for you and you can't try and keep something that isn't working just because you are worried about finding something new. It might take a while and it might be some effort but if you don't try you will never know and who knows maybe it won't take that long or be that hard. Plus when you find the right girl I promise you any work and effort will be worth it.
     
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  11. Uncolored

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    Thanks Silverhalo. You're right. It's just a shame and I felt exactly the same way about this girl.
     
  12. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think you have captured it all in this one sentence. Letting go is always hard, because if something doesn't work out, fears of what will happen next, will I find someone again, pop up. In large part these are just fears, and you can overcome them by trying to move forward as best as you can. It is okay to give yourself some time to move on.

    I would suggest that you try to distract yourself by spending more time with your friends, or perhaps even trying to make some new friends. Pursuing what you like doing, and what gives you energy can also be great ways of starting to move on. With time, you will find that you have moved on.
     
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  13. silverhalo

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    It is a shame but it's obviously just life's way of showing you that there is something better waiting for you around the corner.
     
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  14. Uncolored

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    Thanks Mirko, I needed that.
    I had joined a softball and soccer league in my grief and made a lot of friends out of it. That was very helpful for me. As a positive, I would not have made so many great friends had I not gone through this breakup.
     
  15. Moonsparkle

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    You mentioned you and your therapist have outlined some of the issues you had with your girlfriend. (Non-communicative, controlling, your being in a state of anxiety at times.)

    So while I know you're concerned it will take a while to find someone 'as compatible', my guess is that in reality you WILL find some one who is much MORE compatible! :slight_smile:
     
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  16. Mirko

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    It's great to read that you joined activities that you like and that it turned out to be helpful. Focusing on the positives and embracing new things in your life are definitely good ways to continue creating distance. (*hug*)
     
  17. azzi

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    Time heals everything :slight_smile:
     
  18. Uncolored

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    Update: I sent her a text asking her for an honest answer why she ended things so that I could move on. She replied (which surprised me) and said that she didn't have feelings for me; that she thought she did but it didn't last. She told me she didn't want to lead me on and that I was not a rebound.
    I just thought that I would share. I am glad that I finally have closure and that I no longer have false hope. I'm going to try to stay optimistic that there is someone out there for me who is better.
     
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  19. Mirko

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    Hi there! It took a lot of courage to send her the text and to do something that you felt you needed to do in order to have the closure you were looking for. Not a lot of people do that because it is such a vulnerable thing to do. Kudos on that!

    There is someone out there who will be better, and with whom it will work out. Trying to stay optimistic and looking forward to other things, will help. (*hug*)