I know this is going to be long but I feel like there's a lot I need to cover. I'm doing this partially to vent and partially for advice, so sorry for the rambling. Also sorry if it gets a little graphic, I'll try to use anatomically correct terms. I have always thought I was straight. I like girls and always have. However, over the years I have developed a very strong... attachment to my best friend. Let's call him "Cody" (random name). Cody and I have known each other since middle school. We hang out at least once a week out side of school, and are on the same sports team. We have a ton of the same interests, too. I've also thought Cody was straight too, once we even had a debate about gay marriage and he vehemently opposed it. We weren't especially close until two years ago when he invited me to go on a retreat with his youth group. I'm not from a religious family, so I was really nervous about it but other then the bible study portion of it I had a good time. Since then we've had some pretty deep philosophical conversations about God and other things. Basically I believe in God but I'm not sure it's the Christian God. I do go to church with his family every Sunday though. Last weekend, I had been at an event at his church late so I was spending the night at his house. We were talking before bed, and he told me something I wasn't expecting. He said he felt really guilty about it, but was having very wrong thoughts. I asked him what kind of thoughts and he told me "gay thoughts". I told him it's okay and everybody has weird thoughts sometimes. But then he said he had them all the time. Anyhow, long story short he ended up asking me to try some gay stuff with him. As I said, we are really close so although I wasn't thinking I would enjoy it myself I figured I could help him figure out his sexual preference. So we did some stuff... I don't want to get too graphic but stripped down to our underwear, touched each other, and snuggled in bed together for a while. The thing is, I LIKED IT. I just enjoyed the sensation of our bodies rubbing together. It didn't have necessarily the level of sexual arousal that I think being with a girl would do for me (I didn't get that much of an erection) It just felt awesome to do that with Cody because we have such a big emotional connection (if that makes any sense?) Anyhow, since then we haven't been able to do anything like this again. Neither of us have had a time to talk privately about it, either. However, him and I are working on a project after school tomorrow at my house before my parents get home from work. Now I've got these weird fantasies of us living together and stuff. All I can think about is that night. Do you think I'm gay or bi, based on what I've described? And what about my friend? Another thing worth mentioning: I've thought about it and visualized it and I don't like the idea of sexual intercourse itself with either gender. I want to touch and other things, but not that. Am I the only person who feels that way? Thank you so much!
Confusedude, I don't have a lot of time to write so I'll make this short and write more tomorrow. A) re: your question of if I think you're gay or bi, based on what happened? Who knows. It sounds like your primary motivation was your emotional attachment to "Cody," but that you're not particularly keen on sexual intimacy with either gender. This may blow your mind, but there's more to sexuality than straight, gay, or bi. Maybe you fall in one of the other categories? Explore EC and look for some of the other expressions of sexuality - try them on for size in your head. Discuss with us and ask questions. ---------- Post added 3rd Apr 2016 at 10:16 PM ---------- Confusedude, I don't have a lot of time to write so I'll make this short and write more tomorrow. A) re: your question of if I think you're gay or bi, based on what happened? Who knows. It sounds like your primary motivation was your emotional attachment to "Cody," but that you're not particularly keen on sexual intimacy with either gender. This may blow your mind, but there's more to sexuality than straight, gay, or bi. Maybe you fall in one of the other categories? Explore EC and look for some of the other expressions of sexuality - try them on for size in your head. Discuss with us and ask questions.
You could just be attracted to him and not males as a whole. I've heard quite a few stories of people being attracted to one specific person and yet feel no attraction for other members of that gender. It's possible that either one of you are gay or bi, but it's also possible either one of you could be straight. Sexuality can be a tricky thing to understand.
Second the above. It can be hard to exactly pinpoint one's sexuality. You may find it may be enough for you to not mind being unlabeled for the moment and continue thinking. You have all the time in the world to figure it out, there's no rush. Just stay true to yourself and you won't go wrong.
It's really hard to say definitively. It's possible you haven't really "awakened" your sexual attraction yet, this happens to a surprising number of people where it doesn't really come into play until late teens or early 20s. What are your masturbation habits? You indicated that sex with either sex doesn't sound appealing, so do you masturbate, and if so, about how often? Assuming you masturbate, do you find yourself thinking about guys, girls, both? If you watch porn, do you find yourself looking more at the guys or at the girls? It's pretty common for people who don't have much or any sexual experience to have some concerns or reservations about sex; it's the most intimate thing two people can do together, and so it can be a pretty scary proposition for those who aren't ready for it. I wouldn't assume you are asexual, or that there's anything wrong; I think it's far more likely that things just haven't fully developed yet. So if you can talk a little more about where your feelings are, it will be a little easier to give you some meaningful information.
Thank you everybody for your comments. As for not being gay, straight, or bi: What else would I be? The only other orientation or whatever on here I see is transgender. I'm fairly certain I'm not transgender; I'm a guy and I like cars, technology, and sports. I don't really masturbate, however when I have a "wet dream" it is almost always when I dream about a girl. I don't watch porn either - as I mentioned sex itself doesn't appeal to me. I normally just look up photos of naked or nearly naked women online (sounds silly I know). However, the other day I did look up some photos of guys and it did do something for me - not the same level as girls would though.
Just to touch on this bit here: There are lots of things that two (or more, if that's your thing) people can do together besides intercourse, regardless of orientation. Kissing, touching, frottage (rubbing genitals together), and mutual masturbation in various flavors are all options. About 20% of so of gay men aren't into anal intercourse (not aware of any comparable numbers among the straight population). The idea that intercourse is the be-all/end-all of everything sexual is something that owes more to the media and cultural conditioning than to reality, in my experience. Like others, I don't get a read on you one way or the other in terms of orientation. But you might try changing the focus of your fantasies or porn viewing to some of the items above (experimenting with imagining/viewing both genders) and see what that does for you. Hope this helps, Todd
It might be worth exploring sexual attraction and arousal with a therapist, and/or seeing your general practitioner. It is possible that you are on the low end of the spectrum as far as sexual interest. This could be hardwired, but that's unlikely. It's more likely that it's either hormonal or there is something else going on that's getting in the way. If you're interested in, and willing to explore it, there are practices that you can do that can help to activate sexual energy and arousal, and that, in turn, might help you get a clearer picture of whom you're attracted to. That could be a good first step *if* it appeals to you. The next step I'd take would be to explore and rule out the possibility of a biological or psychological problem first. If that doesn't turn up anything, then you simply are someone with a very low sex drive, and so that's going to influence what sort of attraction you feel, and whom you feel it for. I hope this makes sense and is helpful.
It's already late so I'll get back to you tomorrow. Basically your case sounds awfully lot like mine. Always had low sex drive, not much going on in the fantasy department and having a similar physical experience as you had with a friend. Unfortunately I have no clue what it means. Keep us posted because I think I could benefit from your experience.
For the record... I'm like 90% sure your friend is gay and can't come out due to his heavily religious background, but that's a topic for another day. Let's see... I really think you kinda have a crush on Cody. There are a lot of words that could describe what you are... as anti-label as some people are, there are a bunch of ways to label sexuality, you'd be surprised. Then you can combine them with labels, and have words like "bisexual heteroromantic", can be sexually active with either sex, but only falls for the opposite or "heteroflexible biromantic", someone who is predominantly heterosexual but could fall for either sex, "asexual homoromantic" someone who is (mostly) not sexually active and falls for the same sex... and on and on and on. Like someone before said, I suggest you read experiences from other people across these boards, and also online. Use the search function here and google any other testimonials.
Thank you again to everybody. So yesterday we did end up meeting to work on a school project together. He never brought up what happened, so I did because I felt like I either wanted to clear the air or do something similar. He told me while he really enjoyed it he was having second thoughts about it and feeling guilty. He said something like, "maybe when I can get my feelings straightened out," which I was disappointed by. He did make very clear though he's not ruling out doing it again though. AkTodd: That's an interesting stat. That makes me feel much better about how I feel about it. Chip: Thanks, but I really do not feel like going to a doctor and discussing this with them. I'd have to use my parents money and their insurance, and I couldn't bring myself to tell them this is the reason why. Maybe I will do that later in life. Euler: Glad to here there's somebody who has been through something similar! GodlyArmadillo: Well certainly the reason he feels guilty for what happened is due to his beliefs. I do think, however, if he were to come out as homosexual/bi (or whatever) his parents would accept him. Their church emphasizes "hating the sin" as opposed to "hating the sinner" and his parents are literally some of the nicest people I've ever met. After thinking about it, I've basically given up with trying to label my sexuality right now. I had no idea there are so many different ones! I'm not sure there's much to gain by defining one for myself just yet. Thanks though.
