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I think my girlfriend might be a lesbian

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by James G, Feb 12, 2021.

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  1. James G

    James G
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    Hey all, I hope this is okay to post in here.
    I’ve had a feeling for around a year and a half now that my gf may be a lesbian, there’s a few reasons for this but I’m not sure if I’m just being overly paranoid and silly.
    When we first started dating she did comment that when she was younger her mum thought she was a lesbian, she also mentioned that she had a massive girl crush on angelina Jolie and even had a folder full of pics of her on her laptop lol. She also mentioned how at uni she had made out with a girl she knew on a night out (she later mentioned this happened with a few different girls). She also told a story of how she had fooled around with 2 other girls in front of a guy (kissing and stripping). I didn’t think much of these as I just thought they were the sort of things lots of teenage girls might get up to at that stage of their life, especially when drunk.
    Around this time I also saw that she had liked a few tweets about being a lesbian, e.g one said “how could any girl be straight, have they never seen another girl”. Again I didn’t think too much of this as they are only tweets and maybe she just found them funny.
    Around 10 months into the relationship I found a book plan for a book we had discussed she wanted to write when I was tidying our room. As we had discussed this book together, I started reading the plan. It started as I expected but I noticed that the main girl was basically just my gf. It mentioned her moving in with a bf like we had done, it basically read like an autobiography. That’s why it took me back when it then went on to say that this girl met a girl at work and they’d got a bit drunk and hooked up, and that the girl had been living a lie her entire life and was “GAY AS FUCK”. It felt like this was her way of maybe getting her thoughts down on paper but I don’t know. When I next tried to speak to her about the book she got really defensive and asked me to stop asking her about it which I also thought was weird.
    After this I noticed more and more how she will comment on lots of girls when we’re out or if we’re watching tv and mention that they are fit or that they have a great bum etc. I know that girls can appreciate other girls but just the way she mentions it and the amount of times it happens it doesn’t feel like that.
    I’ve also noticed that she is very interested in watching tv shows/ movies or reading books about lesbian relationships. If we ever see a movie on Netflix for example she will always mention it. She just seems to be incredibly interested in lesbian culture.
    When she started a new job just over a year ago she mentioned after the first week that there was a girl there who had really quickly become obsessed with her and it was weird. But they are now incredibly close and they literally message each other 24/7. No matter what time of day I always see her messaging this girl. I get that people can message friends a lot but in the entire time I’ve been with her she has never messaged any of her other friends that much. This has made me worry that maybe they like each other more than just friends. This other girl has also started messaging me for Christmas and birthday gift ideas for my gf. It’s my gf’s bday tomorrow and this girl is coming around to ours to surprise her with a gift, and my gf has also told me that they are both going to go for a walk and get some food on Valentine’s Day on Sunday. I’m starting to feel like this girl is becoming like a 3rd person in the relationship and is almost competing with me for my gfs attention.
    The final thing is the fact that we barely have sex anymo
     
    #1 James G, Feb 12, 2021
  2. mlansing

    mlansing
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    Hi James, your question is welcome here. When I initially saw your post I was thinking she could be bi, but the longer I read it the more it seemed like she could be a lesbian. This is kind of a tricky spot you’re in, especially because she was defensive when you asked about the character in the book. She could still be sorting it out, and you certainly don’t want to accuse her of being gay and not being honest about it if she hasn’t communicated that to you herself.

    With that being said, it is not fair to you or your relationship that this “friend” is becoming a third wheel to your partnership. And make no mistake, that is exactly what is happening. It’s not normal for someone to be messaging another person that much outside of the relationship, even if they are just friends, and it’s especially not normal for her to be spending Valentine’s Day with said person.

    Here’s a thought: instead of making this about her being gay, you can bring up that you don’t feel your needs are being met in the relationship. Tell her that you don’t like that you hardly have sex, that she seems to want to spend more time with this friend than with you, and that you are basically feeling neglected. If you make it about your needs and not about outing her, then I think you would be on much firmer footing. Perhaps you would be giving her an out that she is secretly craving.

    I don’t doubt though that you yourself have feelings for her, which makes this all that much more difficult. Let her know that you feel neglected, and if things don’t improve perhaps that could be your cue to leave the relationship. Whatever you two decide, I wish the best for both of you.
     
    #2 mlansing, Feb 12, 2021
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  3. James G

    James G
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    Hi, thanks for the reply.

    I definitely feel as though she’s still working things out to be honest. Just feel like I’m in a really hard situation and I’m not sure what to do.

    It’s her bday today and that friend came to surprise her with a gift this morning. The only thing is she has stayed all day so far and I genuinely feel like I’m 3rd wheeling on my own gfs bday. For example we were all sat outside and they were both on one side of the table I was on the other. And I ended up taking pics of those 2 lol. They’ve now gone for a walk together as my gf suggested I could stay at home and order food...

    also one of the gifts that she got for my gf is a book called “women don’t owe you pretty”. Just looking at some of the chapter titles, “maybe it’s a girl crush, maybe you’re queer” and “life’s short dump them”. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but it seems strange that a girl I think has the potential to be more than just a friend to my gf has bought her a book that discusses topics like that.

    She’s also written in a card to her that my gf is the “most incredible lady she’s ever met” and has written that she will take her away on a beach holiday when the pandemic is over.

    Genuinely feel like this girl is making an effort to end up with my gf now, feel pretty shit about it.
     
    #3 James G, Feb 13, 2021
  4. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    If the relationship as it is is not working for you why not try opening up to her and letting her know that the situation as it stands is not right for you? If she is just questioning possibly she just wants to experiment. Experimenting does not mean that she is a lesbian, only that she is questioning. If you are open that things need to change maybe she will be able to open up about what is not working for her. Then when you are both being open and communicating you can work together to find a solution that works for the both of you. Whether that means each of you going your own way, working together to stay together, or maybe even opening your relationship. There are many options but you will never know for sure until the two of you talk about it.
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Feb 13, 2021
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  5. mlansing

    mlansing
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    My recommendation? Tell her what you just told us. Tell her that you are uncomfortable with how close they are, and that you feel sidelined and you feel like shit about it. I wouldn’t even bring up that your gf might be gay, because if you communicate your own feelings to her in an honest, non-controlling, and non-accusatory way and she gets defensive or doesn’t care/nothing changes, then I would be questioning if this is even a person I would want to maintain a relationship with. Gay or not, you deserve to be someone’s number one priority in a partnership.

    That is just how I would handle it, though, so you do what’s best for you. Good luck.
     
    #5 mlansing, Feb 13, 2021
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