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I think my 7 year old daughter is transgender....

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Jem4212, Jul 23, 2017.

  1. Jem4212

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    hello everyon! So I'm new to this group and recently have come to find out that my 7 year old daughter is transgender I think. She has mentioned to us and her grandparents that she is meant to be a boy and that she was born a boy and we made her a girl. We asked her how long she new this and she said since she was like 3/4 years old. She wants to be a boy in so many ways by dressing and cutting her hair and some other things to. And she is Tom boy ish now and has been for a while. We are 100% supportive in this but just not sure if it's a faze or if it's actually her being transgender? Has anyone had any experience with kids and them knowing this from such a young age?? If so what can we do to help her in the right direction to support her?
     
  2. love dont judge

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    First of all, I want to thank you for reaching out. The fact that you're here and wanting to know more shows that you are already doing a great job.

    Now, I haven't had experience with Trans kids expressing themselves that young, but I'm a Trans teen who knew from that young so maybe I can help.

    The fact that your child is saying that they've known for the past 3 or 4 years means that theyre probably serious. And on part really stuck out to me...
    This part is very similar to a lot of what I thought when I was that age, but I lacked the language to express how I felt. This is something that non Trans kids don't typically say, especially with this level of conviction. I mean, only they can know for sure if they're trans (likely once puberty starts it'll be obvious) but I would lend a hefty favor of belief in that way.

    Still... it isn't good for them mentally to just jump in. This is the point where you have to find the fine line between supportive and protective and walk it. One of the easiest (and hardest) things to do at that age is a social transition. This would be like they requested, letting them wear boy clothes and getting a hair cut, possibly using typical male pronouns, and maybe coming up with a new name as a family. All of this can be changed down the road if they realize that they aren't trans.

    Really at this point in time, just kind of let your child guide you. They'll tell you what they like and don't like, especially since they're so comfortable with talking about this. Just remind them that you're there for them, and maybe talk to school administration once it resumes as some of the kids may be mean. But most won't really care either way, in my experience at least. If you ever need anything, feel free to send me a message and I can try to help. I'd also recommend staying here in the forum, asking questions as you progress in this journey. It's a wonderful place of a wide variety of people who like to help out.
     
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  3. Jem4212

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    Thank you so much for the information!!! Yes we will always support her in all her decisions like I said I'm not 100% sure yet but I think she is. It's just a lot at once and now that she knows we know it's like she wants everything at once the short hair the clothes the calling her handsome like boom. So that has been the hardest part for me going from my daughter to her wanting the opposite so fast!! I told her today we need to do baby steps we went into my salon I work at and I cut her hair really short like she wanted and she loves it it's a little longer on one side but we talked baby steps and maybe soon we can do all short! Little steps!!
    Thanks again for your help and info it means a lot and I'm sure I'll have more questions along the way. Right now we're this is all so new I'm just going to go and see how the next few weeks go and go with the flow!!
    Love is love! Xoxo
     
  4. Islanzadi

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    Hi! I'm glad to see you came here for advice, you're an excellent mom! I am not trans, but I can maybe help you a little by telling you my own experience, that differs from love dont judge.

    I was a full blown tomboy when I was a kid, and I started to tell my mom I wanted to be a boy and that I didn't want a girl's body, and that I wanted boy parts, etc as young as 4 years old. I would have full blown tantrum and tears crisis asking them why I was born like that, why I wasn't a boy, etc. My parents resisted at first and were forcing me to dress more girly, thinking it would pass, but they quickly realized that caused me a lot of distress, and they gave up and let me dress and act as boyish as I wanted to.

    I gradually stopped expressing loud and clear the desire to become a boy, until I stopped completely at around 10 yo, but I still had a great amount of body shame because of my female body until my mid teenage years. Puberty was especially hard for me since I didn't want all those feminine changes in my body, I tried to hide my breast for as long as I could under loose shirts and I felt very ashamed about my period. But around 14-15 years old, something clicked in me and I changed completely. Instead of fighting my tomboy side to "fit it", I started to embrace it and just started to feel so free being just me. So I became confortable in my female body after puberty and I actually like it now. I decided to just be me, whatever that is, and turns out I'm a lesbian and I'm comfortable being a "soft" tomboy.

    From what you wrote, your daughter seems pretty serious about this. But again, I was too at that age... This is a delicate situation, especially since transitioning is such an important decision. In my opinion, feel free to take it or not, since she's only 7 yo, I think you should let her dress and act how she feels comfortable and see where that goes. If after a while she keeps expressing the desire to be a boy as strong as she does now despite your efforts to let her be who she is, then that might be a big red flag that this won't pass and that she's really transgender.

    Whatever you do, keep supporting her, you're doing a wonderful job! Take care! :slight_smile:
     
  5. spaghetti0

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    7 years old seems pretty young to me. If I were you, I would avoid trying to coerce her one way or the other. It's completely possible that she is trans, but it's also possible that this is just a weird kid phase. When I was 7 I was completely convinced that I was part dragon.

    Keep observing her behavior and let her make her own decisions.
     
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  6. Jem4212

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    Yea at this point we r going
     
  7. Jem4212

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    Yea at this point we are just going to go with the flow of the thing. We did let her cut her hair really short and we are going to see a therapist but where it's so early we'll see what happens.
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    I want to begin by commending your for your positive and loving attitude. It's so important and demonstrates how great a parent you are. It may not be easy, but you are open minded and tolerant and that goes a long way.

    You may be interested in this website http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/
    It's from the UK, so you need to appreciate that some of the information may not be relevant in your country, but it does offer some good, general information about gender identity issues in children and young people and has good resources for parents too. Take a look.
     
  9. swimmingfly

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    you are an amazing parent. it's so great that you support your child no matter what!
     
  10. Matto_Corvo

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    Some people knew since they were 3 while others didn't figure it out till the were middle age, there is no such thing as knowing to young or being to old to know.

    It is great that you are being supportive of your child, and for now that is the best thing you can do. As pointed out by some they could be going through a phase, or they could be trans, there really is no what to know for certain at this point. I would suggest just going with the flow. Let the child have their hair short and wear boy clothes and do activities they want. You could ask if they would like to go by male pronouns and a male name. If it does turn out to be a phase then these are step that can be easily reversible. But should the child begin to reach the age of puberty it might be wise to think about what steps to take next. If they are still insistent that they are a boy, and meant to be one, then there are puberty blockers. The effects of puberty blockers are reversible, they just delay the effects of puberty (for this child things like breast development and periods and more feminine curves) to give the youth time to further decided if they are trans or not.
    But the biggest thing to do for now is to wait, and be supportive, and read up on what it means to have a trans child/ what it means to be trans. There are many youtubers who make videos that go into depth about this. I know of one youtuber who is also a gender therapist.
     
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  11. beenthrdonetht

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    And you did it together too! There is nothing worse than haircut fights, I really think. Partly because they are so trivial. You avoided all that and he (or whatever pronoun) will remember that forever. And getting a cut/do is a very interpersonal thing. It bonds you into a network.

    That (not so) little fact just caught my attention. Apart from that, I agree with everyone above. You are putting good into the world with your acceptance and (perfectly natural) curiosity.
     
  12. SHACH

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    80% of gender nonconforming kids grow out of it. Don't label her as trans. She might be, but the chance is low. I was EXACTLY like that as a kid. I wanted to be a boy in every way, but I grew out of it. I'm still a hardcore tomboy sure and I still don't always see myself as a girl but I have no deep need to transition, and I have a healthy relationship with my body. There is no reason whatsoever to be planting the idea of transition into the minds of pre-pubescent children. Let her do boy things but just treat her like a tomboy and don't start suggesting stuff to her. Keep your worries about her being trans far in the back of your mind for much later. I only found out about the details of trans stuff in the last year or so and it stressed me out enough to think about it as a young adult - I felt like there was such a fine line between me, a tomboy who happened to be struggling with some things and depressed, and a transman who is struggling with things and depressed because he is not being allowed to transition. I think it is all too much for a kid to think through properly. To me, it was obvious to me that I wasn't trans because I knew looking back that puberty did not cause me distress and I was able to accept my body. That's something you haven't experienced yet as a 7 year old.
     
  13. pupsicle

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    It's wonderful that you are ready to support your child through their journey of identity!

    With kids this young, there's a fine line. It's always good to be supportive and validate their feelings by respecting their choices and expression. On the other hand, jumping in head first and saying "You're a boy now!" can actually be intimidating. What if your child changes their mind later? There's nothing wrong with that. What if they find out that they're not a girl or a boy, but something in between? That's okay, too. The important thing is that they feel safe exploring, asking questions, and growing as a person. It's okay if they change their mind every day! They're young, and will figure it out eventually.

    One of the best things you can do for them is just ask, "Are you a boy or a girl today? How are you feeling today? What do you want me to call you today?" This allows them the space to figure things out, rather than making them feel like they have to decide which box they fit in right now.
     
  14. It does seem that your child has dysphoria, and may be trans. I remember being just like that as a little kid, and I turned out to be trans. You should just let them express themselves how they feel for now. Many trans kids grow out of dysphoria before puberty, so you can't be certain yet if your child will continue to feel this way for life. If it's a phase, they'll grow out of it. If it's not, they'll stay that way. Just let them express themselves and play it by ear. You sound very accepting, and your child is lucky to have you as a parent. I wouldn't make any drastic decisions now, I would just let them know you accept them for whoever they turn out to be. They may or may not be trans. You can't really tell at that age. Just let them grow up expressing themselves freely.
     
    #14 Random Ross 1, Sep 10, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2017
  15. Assassin'sKat

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    You can't really know until she(or he, for simplicity I will use she for this post) is an adult, or at least a teen. She is not old enough to know what she wants, or if she is, she can't really express it or understand it very well. Her brain is not fully developed. First of all, I recommend taking her to a therapist to see if she might gender dysphoria. Second, it's okay to let her start dressing and acting as a boy even if this does end up being a phase. If she dresses as a boy now because she feels like it, it's harmless. But yeah, take her to a psychologist so you can get a better idea of what she's feeling. And keep in mind at this age it is all very unclear and it could be a phase, or it might not be. No way to know for sure for a few more years...but letting her act like a boy now is harmless.
     
    #15 Assassin'sKat, Sep 10, 2017
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