I Think I've Been In The Closet My Whole Life

Hi!(Just so there is no confusion, I' am a female)
I 'm very very very confused. I have been questioning my sexuality for quite some time now and I don't know what to make of it. Now, I tend to be an over thinker and a paranoid person at times, so it makes sense why all these thoughts and questions have become so tedious and tiresome for me. I don't know where I stand. My main question is....Am I gay or am I bisexual? I guess I'm getting a bit too caught up in labels here but I feel like some of you guys would be willing to offer some helpful insight and information (and your own experiences).
Here's the thing, I don't think....I know I'm attracted to girls, emotionally and physically. I believe I always sort of known that I'm attracted to girls but haven't actually thought about it on a deeper level or acted on it. I'm still getting used to the notion that I like girls, I'm in the process of accepting myself. During this process also comes doubts and lingering questions about my sexuality. I've been wondering if I'm attracted to girls and guys, or if I'm actually gay and in denial (using bisexuality as a shield), or if I'm gay but have been to a degree conditioned to have a sort of liking towards guys (If that makes any sense), or if I'm bisexual and all of this is so new and so confusing that its frying my brain and making me question everything.
Perhaps (I'm hoping) some of you know my struggle and can relate. During middle school I had those typical "middle school relationships" (You hold hands and kiss once in awhile). I remember being so confused as to why I wasn't crushing on any guys, none of them felt appealing to me, it was just ehhhh. Of course eventually I had some boys I "dated" but I always got weirded out by them touching me or trying to kiss me (Which resulted in them breaking up with me). I remember my first kiss, it felt like I was kissing a wall, no spark, nothing (Although I had no feelings for this boy). So blah blah blah I get to high school and things start to change. I had a huge crush on this boy freshman year, I didn't really know him but I adored him. I figured to myself, "See! I finally have a crush on a guy! Kissing would definitely feel better if it was with someone I liked." After some times I actually ended up going to homecoming with this boy and kissed him.....nothing, no spark. After this my attraction for him fell short and ended there.
I was so frustrated with myself and quickly convinced myself that maybe kissing is not my thing, its the relationship that counts, if I was in a relationship I would be happy and I wouldn't feel this way towards boys. Which resulted in my first actual relationship with a guy. I had been in this relationship for about 6 months and recently its been the most eye opening event concerning my sexuality. I did like and care for the guy I was with but it fell short again. I did eventually get involved with him to a certain degree. (Not sex sex, 'penetration') I remember it being not very comfortable and kinda boring experience. It felt like a chore and it did at one point cause me to be sick. (very embarrassing). Throughout our relationship I felt like I missing something, faking something, not giving myself fully (I thought something was seriously wrong with me). This sweet guy was spewing love all over me and I just felt like running away. Eventually I ended the relationship using reasons such as, I was't ready to have this kind of relationship, I needed to focus on school....blah blah blah. At the time, I didn't even know the 'true' reason I was breaking up with him. Now a couple months later, I think I know why.
I have this 'fantasy' that keeps popping up in my mind. I picture myself with a woman later in life, falling in love, marrying her, having children with her. When I think about this, it feels loving and comfortable. It feels bright and happy, it makes me feel excited for the future. It feels right. I have thought about this scenario also with a man in my future and it doesn't feel the same, it feels strange and kinda disheartening. I don't see myself having kids with a man and being as happy as I could be with a woman.
I guess overall I fear coming out as a lesbian and then all of a sudden realizing I've made the wrong choice and can't go back. Possibly this could be due to the fact that I lack confidence in myself also I'm just a worry wart in general. So if you guys would just leave me some comments about your thoughts and feelings about this. It would help a ton!

 

Let me just say that even if you come out as lesbian and change your mind later, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I identified as straight for a very long time, and then, I thought that I was bisexual. While I am biromantic, I'm not bisexual because I don't really want sex with anyone unless I have a deep, emotional connection with them which is demisexuality. It took me a few tries to discover that I'm a biromantic demisexual, and I still think I might have gotten it wrong. I might be panromantic instead. It's been a few years since I've started questioning as well. There's always room to discover who you are and who you're attracted to. It's not one of those things that you can figure out overnight.

From what you've stated in your post, such as being completely comfortable with girls and not so much with guys makes me think that there's a good chance you're a lesbian. However, there is a thing called homoflexible which means that you're mostly attracted to members of the same sex, however, if the right person of the opposite sex was to come along, you could be attracted to them. You could also be biromantic and homosexual. Biromantic meaning that you can form romantic relationships with both genders but only feel sexually attracted to members of the same sex.

I can only really provide you with definitions and my opinions and experiences. I can help you come to a conclusion, however, I can't make any decisions for you. In the end, you'll find an answer, but only you can figure it out. You're not alone in this, but you have the final say. You're still young and have plenty of time to figure things out. If you identify as bi, then you're bi. If you change your mind later, that's completely okay. I'm sure that people who truly love you will understand if you change your mind a few times. It's a multi step journey that involves a lot of exploring and questioning.

 

Thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot! I wish in a perfect world that everyone wouldn't have to go through this painful questioning phase and just 'know'. Lol but unfortunately this isn't a perfect world and as you said, I have to figure it out on my own. Thanks for your support!

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! They really mean a lot to me. :icon_bigg I hear you though. It really sucks that people like us have to go through all of this questioning when it seems like everyone else is completely comfortable with who they are.

Again, I really can't thank you enough for your kind words. I came to this website because I wanted to help some people out in their journeys. One of my friends came out to me, and I starting doing a lot of this research for him and myself. It really means a lot to me to know that I can be of use to someone.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey, and if you ever have any questions, or just want to chat, send something my way. I always have an open ear. :smilewave

 

Woah....reading this post five years later is wild. I feel for you Lizz, it's okay babe lol. You'll figure this out, I promise you. It's okay to like girls and boys & fuck anybody who says otherwise. You'll find when dating 'toxic' men and women, they'll like to use your bisexuality against you to make them feel better about themselves...please know there is nothing wrong with you. You're not pretending, you're not confused, you're not a cheater...

I love you! God loves you <3

P.s. You'll find a girlfriend someday haha