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I think I'm dating my best friend...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pvd, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. pvd

    pvd
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    I think I may be "dating" my best friend John who is also one of my roommates. We have been best friends for a while, but I hadn't thought of it this way.

    It started the other day when John's sister was visiting along with other friends who were all going out to bars, but John and I decided to stay in. At that moment everyone began pointing out how we don't separate from one another, we stay in together a lot and how we kinda do some "gay" things like fake tan and put sun-in in our hair.

    Now I am starting to think maybe we are more than just friends but I don't know what to do cause its been getting in my head now...



    The story starts my second half of my junior year in college my friend John and I started hanging out all the time. I went as his date to a fraternity formal, we built a blanket forts in his room and I ditched all my other friends to hangout with him. Every moment we were not in classes we were together. Over the summer we continued our friendship and would sleep over each others houses, go to the beach and concerts. We never involved or discussed girls at anytime, it was always the two of us.

    Senior year fall started and we moved in together and would hangout everyday with each other still. We both ignored our other friends to only hang out with one another and did fun things like rent boats together and go hiking every weekend while avoiding parties at night.

    In November of our senior year John found out I was hooking up with a guy and got really mad, telling me that is probably why people on campus think he is gay. Then he continued on about how he thought I had a crush on him. We didn't talk for two weeks, then things went back to normal. During the rest of our senior year we continued to be best friends and I got him a job with me at a restaurant I was working at. We also went away just the two of us for spring break that year.

    We both moved home after school and continued our friendship. Then I moved out of my parents house and into an apartment in the city while he still lived at home. I am off work every Friday and Saturday so I would pick John up every Thursday night and bring him into the city and then bring him home on Sunday on my way to work. We would hangout, sometimes go out to bars and he would sleep over 3 nights a week. We did this every weekend from September to February.

    In February John got an apartment in the city and I sublet my apartment so I could move in with him because our reasoning was "its easier than having to go visit each other". We now live together with a few other roommates. We spend every moment not at work with one another, we tan together, go to the beach, go on vacation and even grocery shop together.





    I kinda realize now that I don't make plans if I think it would jeopardize time that could hangout with John. I also either adjust my activities to be more like him or we are just similar, not really sure. I have never seen John with a girl in 3 years and when I say we would hangout all the time I mean from waking each other up in the morning to falling asleep on the couch together. Also I did tell people I was gay in college and John doesn't seem to be phased, he also has never told me he was gay. When I bring John to family events they think he is my boyfriend.

    Now I am wondering is he gay and feel comfortable around me cause I am too? Is it possible he likes me? Or am I over-analyzing a situation that doesn't matter... :bang:
     
  2. RGEm

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    ... Reading that just then, it sounds a lot like you're dating each other to me...
    Anyway, the best thing to do would be to ask him directly. From what you described just then, he won't be mad or anything, as it's pretty clear he supports you for who you are and does not appear to be homophobic. I would first ask about his sexuality, as if he says he's straight, then you wouldn't need to bother with the other questions, but if says he isn't straight, then you can try to find out if he likes you in that way :slight_smile:
     
  3. Grounded Eagle

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    I don't know if this helps, but I'm pretty diplomatic when it comes to asking people difficult questions. Maybe you could start with something like, "Hey, John, so we've never really talked about this, but does it bother you that I like guys?" You know, introduce the topic by starting with yourself as the vulnerable one. And if he says he's okay with it, you could press on with, "I'm just curious, and I won't ask again if it upsets you, but do you like guys too? Maybe even a little bit?"

    Something along those lines, gentle yet as direct as possible, because in my opinion it really does seem as if he likes you but isn't sure how to move out of his comfort zone. He may be waiting for encouragement and a gentle nudge. I'm shy and sometimes I just need someone else to start the conversation before I can share things. Also, make sure you are together in a place where he feels safe enough to tell you something that obviously makes him feel so vulnerable. This advice comes from personal experience as well.

    I hope that helps a little.
     
    #3 Grounded Eagle, Jul 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2016
  4. AlmostBlue

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    That really sounds like a pseudo relationship, and depending on how you feel about it, it could become very messy if you two don't address it head on. I feel that these situations are actually quite common amongst people who are not entirely secure in their sexuality. I think it is safe to assume that given the fact that your friend has never addressed his sexuality to you and has never told you how he feels about you, he's probably confused on some level. Therefore, I would say that there's a big chance that he would become defensive and go into denial if you ask him whether he likes guys.

    I think the most important thing is to focus on how you feel about this. Do you like him as more than friends? Do you want to have a proper relationship with him, and if so, how intense is this feeling? If you want to explore the possibility of having a proper romantic relationship with him, then I think the best is to be open about this, instead of asking him his sexuality. Perhaps mention that you two have been so close and you can envision a relationship with him, and ask what he thinks. Try not to make it about general sexuality, or how he labels himself. These terms and ideas carry connotations that some people have a hard time accepting.
     
  5. kobra kid

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    If I were in your situation, I'd find some roundabout way to figure out his sexuality so I wouldn't have to outright say, "hey, are you gay?" and make it all awkward. Like, bring up if he likes anyone, or if you guys talk with your other roommates and they mention girlfriends you could work it in...though maybe that wouldn't be best, as he'd be in front of everyone. Maybe you could just mention stuff in passing; typical ways to gauge someone's stance on stuff like that.

    It sounds like you guys do a lot of stuff people who are dating do, though obviously there's nothing 'official' in the whole thing. I'd say to prioritize your friendship and don't do anything that could compromise that until you know for sure if he likes guys.
     
  6. faustian1

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    That snip above is the only portion of your post I found that doesn't indicate that you're practically married...even if it so far appears to be a sexless marriage. :lol:

    This could all still be quite platonic. Maybe he was serious, rather than jealous, in the quote above.

    The most interesting thing about your story is how you apparently can share damn near everything about yourselves with each other, at least non-verbally. After all, you can't spend that much time with someone and not know damn near every private thing about him. Yet, this one subject is something you cannot discuss? As long as you're going to be Siamese twins like this, it's probably a good investment to figure out how to bring this up. Have you ever discussed anything about your feelings for each other? My advice is, don't ask him about his sexuality. Make it about you, about your feelings.
     
  7. pvd

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    Thank you for all the advice, I really appreciate everyones help.

    Asking him if he is gay is tough because in college one of our friends asked him if he was gay and get got really defensive about his orientation and then never spoke to her again. So I would not want to do anything that could cause confrontation, as I would rather be friends and not know then not be friends.

    Faustian1 brought up a good point about sharing because we share everything but we never talk about our sexuality, I kinda avoid it with him. I actually talk to my other roommate Phil, who is definitely straight, about my sexuality relatively frequently but not with John. I have never actually heard John talk about someone being attractive or had him tell me he likes someone.
     
  8. GodlyArmadillo

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    Damn, he sounds like he was exploding with jealousy when you hooked up with that other guy, why not probe that? I'm not saying, go and hook up with someone, but pretend you find someone attractive and tell John you're thinking of asking him out. See how he reacts. (You can then later on just tell John you decided against it for whatever reasons.)
     
  9. resu

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    Sounds like you two need to work things out directly, instead of dancing around the issue. You say you're bisexual, but in college you told people you are gay? Did you tell John directly? It seems the next step would be to say you like him more than a friend and then to see if the feeling is mutual. You can't do much more than that if he is unwilling to meet you half way. If he does respond positively, you could then try and working things out in how you two want to define this relationship.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 06:22 PM ----------

    You must really ask yourself how much are you willing to bend over to be close to him without knowing what are his real feelings? Friends should ideally be totally honest with each other and not fear getting shut out. It's hard to be friends with someone who makes you walk on eggshells.
     
  10. pvd

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    When I came out in college I was forced out and thought I was gay but now I realize I am bi.

    Quick update with John.....

    I have just been going back to thinking of us as friends. I am glad I didn't approach him about his sexuality as someone called him gay in a group chat for asking if the bar we were going to have AC and he got so mad he won't talk to or hang out with that kid now. He must question himself if he gets that upset over someone calling him gay.
     
  11. resu

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    You could try reassuring him that you don't support using "gay" as an insult, sort of like an ally to make him comfortable if he chooses to be more open.
     
  12. CharacterStudy

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    His strong reactions to being asked about his sexuality, suggest that he is at the very least confused about his sexuality. In the most recent case of using gay as an insult, it could have triggered some internalised homophobia. Equally, as a possibly not-straight person, or at least an ally (given you two are so close), maybe he just doesn't want to associate with someone who would be unpleasant or crass enough to use gay as an insult.

    He lives, and snuggles, apparently, with a bisexual man, which would suggest he's either not-straight himself, or straight and pretty bloody at ease with his own sexuality. Yet he gets upset if someone asks if he is gay. Doesn't sound like someone who is comfortable with himself. It's a bit odd.

    I think you need to approach carefully, and I would avoid Armadillo's jealousy plan, at least until you have tried all other avenues. Maybe you could start with being more open about when you discovered you were gay, how it felt, what your concerns were... That would be (1) safe and (2) a reasonable and so far absent conversation for two such close friends to have. You would also be able to see how he reacted. So far sexuality seems to have been the only topic not broached. Talk more about yourself, in the past, to start as safely as possible.

    I am not entirely clear though if you actually want a romantic relationship with him. Might be something to consider before starting these conversations. But even as best friends, you should be open to each other about this sort of stuff.
     
  13. Krater

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    Some very good advice being offered already

    As this can be difficult to talk to our friends about a personal and sensitive subject such as "Are you gay?

    You have a much closer and more intimate relationship with John than any of these other people who have asked him (John) if he was gay.

    You obviously care very deeply for John, I would suggest approaching the subject in a way that feels comfortable to you. John obviously trusts and respects you.