Time and time again I come to this conclusion that I'm broken... I'm not sure it's truly figurative or if it's actually literal.. I've tried so hard to be human in general and I've never been successful with this... For as long as I can remember I always felt like an alien living in a world foreign to myself. I really thought that my issues were because I'm gay and I thought that being so and not accepting myself was holding me back from being who I truly should be.... I was wrong.. My sexuality doesn't define me or make me feel any more like myself and I've been out of the closet for over 6 years.. I still struggle with the most basic things that a human should be able to do and living day to day becomes more and more complicated.. I've been struggling with this since I was young. I wouldn't call it an identity crisis but maybe it is or maybe it's just mental illness at it's finest. I've suffered from mental illness my entire life due to growing up in an abusive and neglectful environment... and I just can't move on from it. Unfortunately when it comes to that all the bad memories of my life just constantly replay inside my head especially when I do something that should be enjoyable and should bring me some kind of joy or comfort. An example of this happened recently, on Easter day. I went with these two girls I would consider friends to their Easter family get together and one of the girl's mom and dad had set up an Easter egg hunt... now I'm pretty sure I've never had my parents do this for me at all... once it was all said and done, and even during the hunt, I just didn't know how to feel... I felt so confused emotionally... like I should have been happy but all I could feel was sadness and pain brought on by thoughts of a broken childhood. I understand that this is due to the fact that I missed out on love in general as a child but I'm 23 now and at this time I wont allow love into my life at all... it makes me extremely uncomfortable and it scares me because I don't know if it is truly real or if someone is going to hurt me again like so many times before... on top of this, I'm not good at being human so I don't know what to say to people who show me love so I always feel I mess it up... like with my friends parents, I said thank you and I talked to them a bit but I felt extremely uncomfortable... the same thing happens when I talk to guys or when I talk to people who could possibly become a friend... this uncomfortable feeling causes me to run away and, in the end, I end up alone like usual and because of this I've never been in a relationship and I've never had long lasting friendships that weren't erratic and or like I was filling a deep hole in myself until I get scared and run.. I'm not a bad looking person I feel sometimes but sometimes I feel like I'm so ugly that no one really likes me. It doesn't mean I'm ugly on the outside, it means both inside and out. I try to be myself to the fullest and I do catch the attention of some people but most people avoid me and I end up being the outcast amongst outcasts.. I've been told so many times that I am a beautiful person but on the same page I've also been told so many times I'm trash, I'm ugly, or that the world would be better off without me. I tell myself these things as well and sometimes I scare myself because I don't know why I hate myself so much. I have to talk myself out of cutting, out of driving my car off of a bridge or into incoming traffic... I have multiple suicide plans, which always run through my head... over and over and over... I do see a counselor but even then I also feel like I'm not doing that correctly either and I'm starting to lose hope that I will ever be anywhere near normal... I just really need someone who isn't going to abandon me and will talk to me and be there for me but I ruin that always because I'm so stuck inside myself and I'm terrible at feeling empathy or considering others, and, as a result, I end up alone like usual. I don't really have any questions here other than why? Why have I been cursed to live day by day on the edge of a precipice filled with self hate, pain, and suffering... I'm so done with my menace state and I've done so much to fix it... I've tried medications, therapy, exercise, distractions, things I like [which is getting harder and harder to determine these days because nothing holds my attention or interest anymore], friends [which I find fewer and fewer each day], and speaking up/talking to others about my problems.... I'm just lost and have been for a very long time.... this fracture line from my childhood keeps spreading and I can't get away from it... I just need someone... I'm so afraid of life it is almost paralyzing... someone help me?
To be honest, it sounds like depression to me. Losing interest in things you used to enjoy, feeling empty/hopeless, not feeling happiness anymore, no matter what happens, feeling like a failure at life. Those are only a handful of symptoms that depression causes. It's good you're in therapy. Don't stop going to therapy. It will benefit you. You just need to be patient with yourself. If you feel like maybe things aren't working out with your current therapist, you can get a new one, who will be a better fit. You don't have to stay with the same therapist if they're no longer able to help you. But talking about things that bring you down is a great first step. We tend to cling on to broken dreams because that's all we've known all our lives. Your upbringing may have been less than okay, but that's not to say that that is who you are. You're an adult now. You're stronger than your past. I just feel that once you get your depression sorted out, the rest will fall into place for you. Don't give up. You're worth more than you know, and we are all here for you if you need to vent
Really sorry you are going through such a rough time. Life can totally feel overwhelming, but the first step is to open up and ask for help. So go you! You did the first step! Have you ever told anyone everything you just told us before? I think you hit it right on the head. This is very possible giving your description of your childhood. Sadly, you never learnt the script of how to respond to love and affection. Your body just screams "THIS IS A TRAP" which is a learnt behavior from your past. Its what kept you alive for so long. You are strong that way. Now, there comes a time where the things that kept us alive for so long start to stand in the way of us moving on. We have to unlearn those coping skills and learn new ones. Look at it like trading your tools for a new set. Time to level up! Have you spoken to a therapist about it all? They would be able to help you unlearn the past behavior and then teach you new ways on how to handle these new situations. You were taught to hate yourself. Its crazy how those messages we hear when we are little go deep into our brains. In ways that sometimes we can't notice.
I have talked about a lot of this stuff and I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 current cycle on depression and PTSD. I'm currently taking lithium to try and get myself off of the roller coaster that us bipolar disorder. I just struggle sometimes because I'm all alone with it and no one sticks around long enough to be there for me because I guess I'm not an easily likeable person. Thanks for the replies I appreciate it.
