I think I might have ruined things forever...my life is such a mess

Thank you, Todd, for your brilliant input!

Yeah, time zones suck. Nearly everything on here happens when I'm asleep haha.

I'm not going to talk to him about his sexuality because I've realized that that doesn't matter. What matter is if he likes me or not.

Yeah, the more I've analyzed the whole situation, the more certain I am that he'd been in denial and told himself that sex was just sex and that kissing would break the illusion he'd created.

This is what I believe happened to since he just panicked when he'd kissed me. I mean, he started crying and this is a guy who rarely shows any type of strong emotion at all.

a) I can't imagine anyone reacting really badly, to be honest. I know his twin sister pretty well and I know she wouldn't react badly. She's super nice and really cares about her brother. I don't know his parents as well but I've met them many, many times and they, too, seem to be very nice people. We share many friends and they wouldn't react weirdly. He's got lots of friends that I don't know at all so I wouldn't know how they'd react, but I can't imagine them reacting badly either. The only people I could imagine reacting badly to it would be his friends from work though.

b) religion plays no part in neither my life nor his. and no one here is religious. I mean that as in literally no one so he doesn't have to worry about being judged by religious people.

c) I imagine this is what he's afraid of. As embarrassing it is to admit it, this is also what I am afraid of the most. I know my fear is totally irrational because I won't change the way I am and always have been just because I love another guy. I think actually believing nothing will change is harder for me because he's much more of a 'manly' man than I am. He works in construction and my own prejudices say that that's not the most accepting climate to work in :/ he's said that the older men who work there regularly call each other sissy and fag and stuff. He's into basically everything a stereotypical man is 'expected' to be - cars, going to the gym, sports, technology...you name it. I imagine that could make it difficult for him to accept that he likes me (if he does) because he's literally the stereotype of a straight man.

Thanks again for your reply, it was really helpful

 

So I finally talked to him

So he came over and we had dinner and talked about normal stuff. It felt like talking to him normally would and I'm so glad that tension is slowly melting away. Anyway, after dinner I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said yes.

That conversation turned out to be really long and was easily the deepest/most serious conversation I've ever had with like. Like I mentioned in a reply above, he has a hard time talking about feelings and that showed yesterday because he almost panics when he has to talk about his feelings.

He kept repeating 'I'm so scared', 'I'm not gay' and 'I don't know who I am anymore' throughout the whole conversation. He basically said that his head was a mess right now and that he was so confused and I told him that I actually understood what he was going through because I've been there before.

I apologized for pressuring him the last time we talked because I was obvious going too fast and I acted like he already was where I am and that's not okay. I also said that I shouldn't have told him what I wanted from him because he obviously wasn't ready for that.

I asked him how he was feeling and he said that he was really confused and that everything was really hard for him. He (unsurprisingly) had a hard time dealing with 'what happened between us' and he kept repeating that he's straight and cannot be gay. I basically told him that labels are sort of dumb and that they don't matter because if you have feelings for another person, then you have feelings for another person and that's that. He seemed to have a really hard time grasping that he could like what we'd been doing without being gay. He said something pretty interesting, something along the lines of that i can't understand what he's going through because it's okay for me to be gay but that he can't be gay? I didn't really know what to say then so I used said that if it turns out that he is gay, then that's okay and that literally nothing would change because he is who he is. I have no idea why he kept saying he couldn't be gay :/ I mean, I get that he is afraid but...

I wasn't going to talk about how i was feeling but he asked me how I felt about him and I decided to tell him the truth, that I did indeed have feelings for him. Then he got pretty angry and started ranting about how I can't expect him to want to be with me just because I'm into him and I told him I wasn't expecting anything from him. He kept on ranting about how he wasn't gay and just because I was didn't mean he had to be (he was very angry when he said this and it's super rare for him to be angry, he's only raised his voice on a few occasions before). Then he suddenly got this super sad look on his face and teared up and asked that, hypothetically, if he wanted something more with me, would I give it to him? Like would I be willing to be more serious with him and not just messing around like we had up until now? And I said, yes of course I'd like that very much and I would obviously give it to him if he wanted to but right now, it didn't really matter what I felt and that he shouldn't do something he didn't want to just because I wanted it. I just wanted to hug him then because he looked so sad I mean if what I went through was confusing, it's nothing compared to what he appears to be going through

I told him that I would give him all the time he needed and that I am always going to be there for him if he needs my support and that he can call or come around whenever he wants/needs to. He said he needs more time and that he needs to understand what's happening to him because right now he doesn't. I said that I totally understood him.

When he left, he hugged me which is something super positive in my opinion because he normally never hugs me.

How did you guys think this went? What should I make of all this, other than that he needs more time?

 

Thanks for your input! I'm definitely going to try to figure out who I am while he does the same.

"He probably needs a friend more than a boyfriend right now anyway" that's so true, he totally does and that's why I try real hard to be there for him as a friend. And I really try not to pressure him and I honestly don't expect him to figure out what he wants anytime soon. I'm just afraid that I have done or will do something stupid which makes him not want to be with me, and I'm not talking in a romantic/sexual way. He's been my best friend for seven years and I'm afraid I'll lose him as a friend.

 

Thanks for your input, noclue! I thought maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part, but I also don't think he denied that he likes me. I'm gonna give him time to sort his head out and I'm going to leave it to him to initiate things because I don't want to make the first move since I don't want to pressure him.

If he brings it up again I'm definitely going to tell him those things.

I definitely will

 

@resu yeah, it wouldn't surprise me at all if that's what he's actually thinking. If he brings it up I'm going to tell him what you said. I recognize those feelings myself and I was/am sort of still afraid of being gay because I have this irrational fear that it'll mean I will become another person, which is absolutely ridiculous when you think about it but it's still really difficult to overcome that fear.

@olides84 thanks for linking me to that thread! I just read what he'd posted it and I think he's probably going through something similar right now. I recognized myself in that post as well.

@AKTodd I think you're spot on.

Of course his fear could come from ideas his parents have fed him, I'd never really considered that possibility myself. From discussions we've had in the past (by that I mean several years ago) he seems to be okay with other people being gay but like you said, when it comes to accepting that he might be gay, that might be a whole other story. Also, he's the kind of person who just wants to be "normal" (god I hate that word) and by that I mean that he wants to be like everyone else, for example dressing like everyone else and liking stuff that everyone else likes. He doesn't like to be different from most people around him, he likes to blend in and pretty much go unnoticed and I think that maybe this whole idea of possibly being gay/liking another man just goes against his wishes to be "normal" and that's why he's scared. If that makes sense.

Yeah, I think I've sort of understood that now personally. Somehow I think he's having a much harder time grasping that.

Oh, that's a brilliant idea! Both me and him used to play soccer when we were younger - I haven't played in years but I'd really like to start again, and he's been thinking about switching teams for quite a long time now (he's still playing) and I know there's a few LGBT soccer teams around here so that's definitely something I think I would enjoy.

---------- Post added 11th Nov 2013 at 08:45 AM ----------

It was longer than a hug normally would be, I'd say. And it was sort of really intimate in a way, he's a bit shorter than I am so he rested his forehead against my shoulder and just stayed like that for a while. It was super nice and completely unlike the way he's hugged me in the past.

Yeah, I'm going to give him time and I've also told him several times that if he needs someone to talk to or something, he's free to give me a call whenever. He lives on the other side of town so going to my place takes almost an hour for him, which means we normally don't see each other that often, especially not during the weeks. I'll be seeing him on Wednesday though, we've decided to meet up at a sports bar to watch the football world cup qualifiers there. I'm really looking forward to that

 

Lol oh my god, I hadn't thought of it that way hahaha.

Yeah, I need to do that but the problem with him is that he cares so much about what people think about him. The possibility that he's gay is probably really scary for him because of what people would say about him, I think. Or what he believes they would say about him. I don't care as much about what people think as he does. I obviously can't know for sure but I think that's part of the reason why he seems to be so scared to be gay. If he brings it up again that he doesn't want or can be gay, then I'm going to ask him the question you suggested. I would very much like to know the reason why he's so scared.

Thanks! I definitely will!

 

Yeah I mean, I'm not particularly interested in his orientation. Or rather, it doesn't matter to me what he identifies as. I mean I get that it's really important to him and also really hard to figure it out but what matters to me is if he likes me or not. I mean I'm not sure what I identify as myself, because everything in my head is a mess right now. I admitted my feelings for him to myself before I even started to question my sexuality. He seems to be doing it the other way - he seems to be questioning his sexuality a lot and seems to be stuck in that. I get it that it might not be possible for him to just act on his feelings - if he has any - without also questioning his sexuality but right now it feels like his sexuality is the only thing he's able to focus on. Lol this sounds so selfish because I come across like I don't understand that he's struggling too and just want him to admit his feelings for me >.>

Yeah, I try not to mention his orientation or sexual orientation in general. I normally let him decide what he wants to talk about because I'm afraid i'm pressuring him into talking about stuff he doesn't want to talk about/isn't ready to talk about if I initiate anything. I wish he would just tell me what he feels about me (or would at least try to figure it out for himself if he hasn't already).

I'm afraid that he won't be able to admit having feelings for me without coming to terms with his sexuality first. If he has any feelings for me, I fear that he can't admit them to himself without feeling like he's also admitting that he's gay/not straight and as long as he struggles to identify himself (and probably also with the fact that he might be into another guy), he refuses to acknowledge his feelings. I'm able to see that he could very well have feelings for me without being gay but the question is if he's able to do that. :/

I ran into a mutual friend of ours while I was out getting lunch and she said she'd talked to him earlier today and that he'd sounded really off and not like himself at all. She'd asked him if he wanted to hang out tonight (they're practically neighbors and he loves hanging out with her) but he declined which is so unlike him. :/ She started asking me if I'd talked to him and she told me something had to be wrong and asked me if I knew what was wrong and i just had to bite my tongue and tell her I had no idea.

 

I definitely will do that. I sort of want to talk to him now, just about normal stuff you know, but I don't want to text him especially since it feels like he just wants to be left alone. I sort of miss him. I'm so used to talking to him all the time and this feels really weird. That's what I hope too - if he felt nothing towards me, then he would never struggle this much and he definitely wouldn't have gone through this struggle if he didn't have any feelings for me, in my opinion.

 

Oh, that's a brilliant idea! I'll definitely do this tonight once he gets home from his soccer practice!