I think I am ready to start coming out

Hi all,

After many years of confusion and repression of feelings I am finally comfortable with being gay. The shame of being gay is subsiding. I no longer feel embarrassed to be same-sex attracted after experiencing arousal. Whereas before, I would feel disgust at myself for engaging in or fantasising about same-sex activity afterwards, I now feel relaxed when I am in a state of non-arousal. In other words, I am content of thinking myself as gay in day to day life and it doesn't perturb me. I don't sit and think constantly about it or try and convince myself otherwise, as I once would.

I am happy and relieved. I am so content in my skin now, my problems with anxiety have subsided massively. Even though my anxieties were not always linked to sexuality, they have reduced. Anxieties over things elsewhere in my life have gone, as if this was something bubbling underneath hurting my soul. When I was a teen I had an inner feeling that I was gay, but I suppressed it. It would return consistently throughout my life since puberty, but I would rationalise it and tell myself otherwise. I was wrong to do this, but that's all in the past. All that matters now is that I accept myself and I have.

I now have an urge to confide with others. I don't plan on opening up fully to everyone, but I have a couple of good friends who would be understanding, and I have a desire to speak things through with them. However, part of me is not sure I should. I ask myself if this is not narcissistic? Should I just mention it in passing, as to not cause a fuss which is all about me? However, that doesn't sound fully satisfying to me. I feel like I want to talk things through with friends, so that they can be understanding and supportive if need be.

Like I have said, I don't plan on having a heart to heart with everyone, because that would be too much, but I want to with a couple of friends so that I can air this relief, as well as practice for bigger steps (e.g. my parents). Do you think that I am being too self-absorbed for wanting to do this?

Also, when coming out, how should I go about it as someone who has found themselves slightly later on than usual (I'm 27) and where people have thought I'm straight? My friends know that I have been on dates with women, for instance, and know I was disappointed by them not working out, but looking back my disappointment was twinged with anxieties from the date itself. I have always felt anxious in engaging with women sexually, in that it makes me uncomfortable and I always have thoughts telling me that I wish they don't make a move because I'll become stilted. With men I do feel anxious when engaging in romantic activity, but it's with excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I feel like all this anxiety about it, coupled with confusion over myself, made me feel this way.

However, I am not sure how to communicate that with my friends. I worry they'll think me a liar, even though I have nothing to base that on rationally. I am 'straight acting' too, which compounds my worries over this. How should I frame it with them?

I just want to send a message to my friends and speak with them face to face, even if it's just by video chat, but I can't summon the courage to do it for the reasons detailed above.

 

I've messaged one, making a generic how you're doing message. When she responds I will ask for a video chat and take it from there.

 

No worries, Luckyred. I haven't summoned that courage just yet. I am still trying to work out my anxieties on this through before doing so.

 

So I came out the closet today. I told my therapist and two of my friends. I think I'm going to leave it at that now for planned comings out, as I don't want some big show and dance about it all. I just wanted to know the reaction and to know that at least some others know the real me, and the reaction was positive. I am pleased how they all treated it as being normal, because it kills the worry about how others would treat me stone dead. I don't want it to be that different to before; I am still me. There was no difference in how they spoke to me or anything, and made it realise how inconsequential it is really, which I will focus on for when I tell others in a more 'in passing' setting.

I feel like a weight is off my chest and I am glad my friends were appreciative and happy for me.

 

Thanks everyone!

I can't believe I've actually accepted it. I'm still adjusting. Part of me feels like I am in mourning for losing a part of me, but I know it was a part of me that wasn't real and the real me is me, and I'm not that different really.

It went as well as I could have hoped for. I had so many worries that my friends wouldn't believe me, but they all accepted straight away with no querying, as I had feared. Just realising that they treat you just as you did before is a big help.

 

I agree. It became a positive feedback loop where the more time passed the more I could deny, by saying I would have been out sooner if it was real, discounting the effects of suppression.

I got help with CBT, with other things in mind (because this hasn't been the only thing which bothers me), and through practicing the techiques and just a general realisation and understanding of myself I realised I didn't want to live a lie and force myself to be sad for this reason. I identified the internalised homophobia I had and realised it was nonsense, I saw that the worries I had were illogical. I spoke to people on here and elsewhere and realised many have had similar experiences, so I trusted and accepted myself.

I can't believe I've finally done it. Like you, I had a feeling of mourning for what I thought I was. All the imaginings of what my life would be, all based on a false picture, took some toll mentally, but I'm getting there. I just know that I am attracted to other men and it does feel good to be out the closet. I did wonder whether I needed to tell anyone and just accept it and let others know only in passing, but I am glad I did.

It has freed me up to be myself and kill off the negative thoughts which gave me unreasonable worries and doubts over it all. I have noticed an immediate comfort in my own skin over this. When I am out in public, my mind isn't saying "you can't be gay because you don't find that guy attractive," as if I need to be in a constant state of arousal when I ever see a man. My mind isn't trying to force myself to be attracted to a woman who is attractive any more. I am content that I am attracted to men, the feeling of attraction to a man makes me happy now and I don't have the feelings of shame and thoughts of "oh no, this cannot be," and I am not berating myself for not feeling arousal when I see a woman who I think is pretty. I never thought I could be this happy being gay; I'd made it seem much worse than it actually is.

 

Yes, that sums it up perfectly. Just from letting go of that falsehood I feel so much freer in myself and I am happier as a result. I am not daft, I know what an attractive woman looks like, and often think "oh, she's pretty," but I also know that I don't get the same excitement as I do from looking at a good looking guy. Now I can see that I am just acknowledging that a woman is attractive, without feeling any kind of physical attraction myself, and now I am confident that this is all it is the confusion has gone and that is not causing me anxiety and stress any longer.

Looking back, I realise that so many things make sense now. I now realise why I dreaded intimacy on dates with women and even the true feelings of attraction. Because I'd essentially gaslit myself into thinking I was attracted to women because of identification of what an attractive woman is, coupled with internal shame and disgust, I wasn't sure what it truly felt like. As I've accepted my desires and accepted being gay I can identify those feelings so much easier and see that I get feelings that I don't get with women, it does make me feel happy and accepting it makes me far less ashamed.