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I think being gay has made me a worse person

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Destin, Dec 5, 2018.

  1. Chierro

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    Not to mention that those radicals are often looked on even more critically by the more logical thinking people of that group because they know that the radicalists do not accurately represent them.
     
    Destin and Totesgaybrah like this.
  2. Niagara

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    You didn't run me off. I still check things here sometimes.

    Yeah, your behavior has changed a lot, but you are still the same great guy you've always been. You have had a really hard year and I know that better than anyone, I don't blame you at all for acting differently, you've just been trying to cope with things you should never have had to deal with at all. Obviously I wish you had healthier coping mechanisms, but you don't need to be too hard on yourself, you can always learn new ones with help and support.

    You're not a failure at all. You literally do more in a day than most students do in a week, and are constantly trying to please everyone even when it's a huge inconvenience to your own life. You only think you're not doing well at things because you expect so much from yourself.

    Some of your friends aren't good for you, you try so hard to make them happy but they just keep taking from you for their own benefit. You've been spending time with them more and absorbing some of their more negative behaviors, but that hasn't changed who you are, you're still the same sweet and kind guy on the inside.

    The hookup stuff does bother me, and I know it's been confusing for you because I was ok with it originally. At first I was only thinking about it as an observer that everything was new to us so exploration made sense...but I didn't realize the emotional impact that would have. Love feels more possessive than I thought it would, you being with other people made me more jealous than I thought would happen but I didn't say anything for awhile because I wanted you to be happy and have the fun experiences you missed out on by being closeted without knowing it. I don't think you've been honest with yourself about the hookups either, I think at first you thought it would just be casual and fun but then started developing feelings for your friends and didn't know what to do until you already felt too connected to them to just walk away. I'd never tell you to stop loving your friends, I understand you care about them and they're important to you, I just don't think the way you're showing it is healthy and you have a tendency to punish yourself for doing unhealthy things by finding even worse things to do. I'm worried it'll cause you to get hurt one day.

    I'm here for you, I always will be. You've brought such happiness into my life and I'm grateful every day that I get to be with the amazing guy I love so much. It's your life, and your decisions to make, but you never have to go through things alone. If you're ready to start making healthier choices then I support you completely and will do anything you need me to do to be here for you. *huggles you tightly*.
     
  3. johndeere3020

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    Oh Destin, I'm sorry your struggling. I have been away most of the summer struggling myself.

    Is it possible your being too hard on yourself? As a teenager did you ever, think you were gay even subconsciously? I know I did, no matter how fleeting it was. There was always family around, no matter how dysfunctional they where. Sometimes they were really damn dysfunctional. I never told anyone about my sexually for fear of loosing them at a young age.

    You are so much braver then I was/am, only my brother knows and has accepted. Currently it sounds like it cost you so much. What are you going to do to find the balance in your life again? I would say that drinking, drugs, sex, will not give you what you have lost. Those things will only take the pain away for a few hours then it will be back double. I know from experience with the drinking. As friends go, in my experience, if you have one or two people in your life that you can really count on your lucky. All of the friends I had at your age never even call anymore. I had a car, gas and pizza money. I'm not needed any more. I have a couple of new friends now.

    I know a lot of folks on here are not into Religion, but I believe there was only one guy that ever walked this earth that was perfect, Jesus. NO, one of us is perfect. If you try to be you are going to drive yourself crazy. If its true, Jesus will forgive you, just by asking, then you have to learn to forgive yourself. That, my friend, is sometimes a FUCKING hard thing to do.

    Life is flux, there is going to be ups and downs, sometimes the downs are going to be really down, and they suck. On one of the posts on this thread I think you talked about purpose. Everyone has a purpose, sometimes it takes a long time to discover what your reason for being is, sometimes it ends up not being what you thought, or wanted it to be. I believe you have a bright future and are going to help may people in your life. Don't self destruct now.

    Tell you mom, tell your dad. I'm you son, this is what I need from you, this is what I've always needed. Your love and support, unconditionally. If they cant not don't waste any more energy trying. (Just what I would do at this point in my life) Find a counselor and don't hold anything back, they can help find answers you might not have thought of.

    Talk to Niagara, I bet he will forgive you. I think he loves you unconditionally. I think with support from him and a good therapist you can get things back together and find your way!

    Thinking about your guys.
    Dean
     
    #23 johndeere3020, Dec 8, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2018
    Biguyjosh, Totesgaybrah and Destin like this.
  4. Rin311

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    You are not a bad person. Your parents not being accepting is their problem, not yours. They’re the ones who are in the wrong. I hope they’ll come around that things get easier, but it takes two to tango and the blame here is not on you.
    It’s easier to take the blame because it means that if you caused it, there’s something you can do to change this situation. Unfortunately, it’s up to them now. That means that you’re not the horrible person you think you are - but also that you will need to wait for them to make a move to create the parental relationship you want and need. It hurts like hell, I know. But it is what it is. Hurting yourself by behaving destructively won’t take the pain away or change the situation.

    As for your friends - if they’re not good for you, and it doesn’t sound like they are - feel free to drop them. You don’t owe them anything. You should be around people who pick you up and push you to do your best, not your worst. I used to hang out with the bad crowd because it made me feel powerful and safe, that there were people who would accept me if I lived their lifestyle. It didn’t make things better, though, only worse. Think about the people you’re with and which direction they’re taking you.

    I really want to just say... be kind to yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself because of things you can’t change. Take care of yourself. You deserve you much better. Hugs.
     
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  5. BothWaysSecret

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    I can't really think of anything to add, as everyone has pretty much already said similar to what I was going to say. I don't think you are a bad person deep down, I just think your current situation and social circle has led to some questionable decisions. But I believe your are a brave individual and you have it in you to not be so hard on yourself.

    I agree with what @Niagara said above about punishing unhealthy things with worse things. Take care of your well-being. No one wants to see you get hurt. Niagara doesn't, I don't, and I can't speak for everyone else here, but I'm sure they'd all agree.
     
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