I have posted earlier in Sexual Orientation forum about my doubts regarding my orientation (https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/confused-about-my-feelings.487608). I got great advice and comments. I talked to a counselor. She offers counselling for LGBTQ+ people, marriage and relationship issues and sexual health issues. But I was somewhat surprised by her response. I told her that - I feel sexual attraction and have sexual desires and fantasies for men while I have no such feelings for women. I think my attraction for women is more aesthetic and appreciative. I have these feelings from around 15 years of age. When I was asked to look for women for marriage I didn't feel it right. I feel that I want to spend my life with a women but I am afraid that it would be a platonic relationship. Whereas, I feel sexual attraction for men but can't visualize a long term relationship. I started watching straight porn (though only occasionally) at the age of 19 and gay porn only after a year or two because I didn't like straight porn and I was only interested in the men there. I found that I am not very fond of watching porn and more interested in watching short gay films. I try watching again and again straight porn to find if get an arousal but nothing unless I think hard. I revert back to gay porn where I feel satisfaction. I have no arousal for women in real world or in digital world. I told a few real world incidents too. I was not a stereotypical boy in childhood. I enjoyed playing with dolls. I enjoyed playing with girls. I enjoyed dressing up and roleplaying female characters. I am confused that whether my feelings for men are real or a manifestation of childhood experiences (like playing with girls, spending more time with them than boys) or a jealousy towards good looking men (because I am not good looking) or a reflection of my personality traits (an attraction towards masculine because of my soft nature) Her responses/discussion - Only sexual attraction cannot define your sexual orientation. You have to see who you want to be with in a society. Who do you want to spend your life with. To which I replied that I have had emotional attachment too with men. And then she told me to think what I actually want taking everything into consideration. If you watch only a particular type of porn you will be satisfied by only that. To which I reiterated that I never watched only one type of porn and in fact I started with straight porn. Sometimes mothers dress up their kids as girls and therefore you may be okay with dressing up as girl. And she asked if I still feel like dressing up as girl. I told that I used to dress up on my own when I was alone in the house and I didn't tell that my mother dressed me up and I liked it. Also now I don't dress up as girl but I don't hate nor disgusted by the idea. She clearly denied that childhood experiences while growing up and personality traits may not have any effect on sexual orientation. Also she asked if I was more comfortable with men or women which I didn't understand and even though I tried to clarify it, I wasn't sure what she intended. I guessed she was asking comfortability about spend life with. So, I replied that as a platonic relationship I am equally comfortable with both. As a sexual relationship I am comfortable with man... actually not comfortable because of the societal image of such a relationship but I wish for to be with a man. I am not sure of a sexual relationship with women... sometimes I think maybe I can manage. To this she again told to think and come to a conclusion to what I want after taking all factors into account. She also asked if I notice any change in my behavior, in my expression or in my body and do I hate my body as a male. I told that I do not notice any change and I like my body. I think this was to see if I am also seeing a change in my gender. So overall okay but I felt that she was in more denial that me. I know that in Indian society living as gay is very difficult but it seemed as if for this particular reason she wanted me to reconsider my orientation. I guess in a sense she didn't just accept what I was saying and wanted me to be 100% sure. After talking to her when I was speculating, though sometimes I felt more strongly that I am gay but also the doubt that what if am making a mistake and I am actually straight emerged again. I was able to take off my mind from thoughts of denial and work towards acceptance and meeting people from the local LGBTQ+ community to feel more accepted but following thoughts reappeared - I notice women on street passing by. And sometimes, fantasizing about woman does get me aroused. Maybe I don't get a strong arousal because I am nervous. It happened even with men on dating app (that I loose the arousal I had earlier) when they asked about meeting up and I get nervous. It would be all right when I meet the right woman. I have not had sex with a woman. Is it OK to say that I can't have a relationship with them which involves sex? I have not even dated a man, so can't I say that my sexual attraction towards them is just a temporary desire and may not evolve in a relationship. But then I have met both men and women in my life. I didn't want to date a woman because they would expect me being straight which I am not and I may hurt her and just waste her time. I could not date a man, because I don't know if the other guy is gay. Am I blocking my feelings somewhere here either for men or women or both? Could it be some kind of obsession/compulsion? May be I am just afraid of marriage and commitment. And I chose to being gay as it will get rid me of marriage.... and now I can't get back to being straight. I am somewhat surprised about the counselling session, how she was in denial. Also, one more point that while I was trying to be more accepting of the fact that I am gay, I sometimes felt very disgusting about myself as if I am doing something bad, something wrong and I felt gloomy and couldn't sleep properly one night. How can I overcome such feelings?