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I really thought we were getting somewhere

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by annag423, Jul 17, 2017 at 6:51 PM.

  1. annag423

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    A few people
    I think I've mentioned it on here before, but my wife and I don't really see eye to eye on gender identity. It's one of the reasons I'm not out to her yet. Her views tend to be very conservative and very definite. I mean, she wonders why as a minister I even talk to LGBTQ people.

    I have been waiting and watching over the last few months. I'm hoping, I guess, that she'll come around to a somewhat more accepting position, you know? I've been trying different things to express who I am in hopes that she'll get more comfortable with it before we ever have that conversation. (The other side of that being that I'm not ready to face the potential fallout of that just yet.) And I thought we were getting somewhere. Full-on purple hair didn't get much of a reaction at all, and she used to be furiously opposed to me even getting highlights.

    Anyways, last week she sent me this video which basically argued that there is no scientific basis for being trans and that it's all the parents fault for trying to be politically correct. I watched some of it, and it was very biased, very transphobic, and really pissed me off. As she put it, she knows "I represent those gays" and so she wanted to get my take on it. We talked for over an hour.

    She argued that kids can't know their gender identity, which means any child feeling that way is just a result of the parents transferring their own beliefs to their kids (with negative results). Any "gay" person she's ever met (her cousin is trans ftm and got included in that, too) just has a mental issue and if you go back far enough in their life story you'll find something like abuse and that's why they are how they are. I tried to argue otherwise but it didn't really go anywhere. If we had a child who came out as gay she'd love them right up until they turned 18 and then they'd be on their own. She doesn't even want to have kids for fear of them deciding they might be gay, especially now that I've "brought that into the house" by reaching out as a minister to the LGBTQ community.

    I have no idea how to deal with that, you know? That was, what, 4 days ago now and I'm still trying to process it. She still thinks the only reason that I'm talking to LGBTQ people as a minister is because I'm secretly gay and she's just waiting for that to come out. She asked me openly if I thought I was a girl and I said no. I'm just not ready to go there yet.
     
  2. Lazuri

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    Pretty obvious that this marriage is not going to work out, unfortunately. Marriage should be a union of love and such hatred has no place in it.
     
    kscurious likes this.
  3. beenthrdonetht

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    That is such nonsense. "Politically correct" is just the laziest way to (wrongly) say somebody is faking it. Anyone who paid attention in bio class (I know that rules out a lot of bozos) knows better than that. I'm sorry you have to face this kind of reasoning. What's in your heart, brain, and hormones is more important! You're no more "wrong" than a blue rose is. You are special and should be cherished. Grrr!
     
  4. mnguy

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    Hey I'm sorry you're in this tough situation, but please know you're not doing anything wrong. In fact, you have great courage to be on this journey and I hope you stay strong. Welcoming LGBT people is following Jesus' example so thank you for doing that! I've been thinking about an idea that God made such variety in people (race, sexuality, gender identity, religion, etc) as a way to challenge and teach us compassion for one another. It's easy to love those that are just like us and are familiar, so how much greater is it when we love those that are different and unfamiliar? For the most part I'd say we've failed miserably at learning the lesson and people have been incredibly cruel to "others" for most of our history. If we all could accept everyone just as they are we'd be much closer to the example of Jesus. Of course this doesn't include actions that harm others. Assume that people are sincere in their feelings of sexuality and gender identity and that they are doing the best they can. People can't reach their full potential when they're hiding part of themselves, feeling rejected, told they're horrible, etc. I don't believe that's what Jesus' example shows us. He reached out to all the outcasts.

    God's creativity is infinite so why do some insist it's so limited? Why are there so many variations in other human characteristics, but gender and sexuality must be fixed and limited? It should be clear that if a group has to lie, mislead and bear false witness to "win" their argument then they must be wrong. Simply looking at all the lies used by anti-LGBT folks shows me that they must be wrong. The video your wife found is an example of lies to uphold a false belief. That sounds like the work of the devil to me (lies, deceit, dividing people), but sadly so many think that message is from God. When someone thinks they're acting in love, but the result on others is depression, self-hate/harm and suicide, one must reconsider such belief. I think people have great fear that if they are wrong about one aspect of what they were taught then what else might be wrong so they'd rather not think for themselves and question their beliefs. People need to separate God's core messages from man's interpretations which have changed over time. This always reminds me of Jesus' admonition to the church leaders who push people away by their strict expectations that even they don't live up to. Looking at the history of the Bible and the church I see so much of man's influence for the advantage of those in power which continues today.

    I hope your wife will come around on her beliefs and will soften her heart to accept people for who they are. She believes the lies about how people become LGBT and that's so sad. I guess believing those things makes it easier to think it's wrong and that we can change. Some people put others in a group that they feel superior to, to counteract their own insecurities. Does a confident, content person need to look down on others? The fact that LGBT people she knows were abused doesn't mean that's the case for most of us, nor does it mean the abuse caused their sexuality or gender identity. Every story about trans kids I've seen shows the kids naturally felt their gender and the parents usually tried to encourage the expected gender, the exact opposite of what your wife thinks. I hope you can stay strong and get to an inclusive church. Take care and be well!