Just over a month ago I came out to my best friend. I still can't believe I told someone. I still find it weird that someone else knows other than me. It was a really emotional day for me but I think it couldn't have gone any better. It felt unbelievable to just say it and tell him. Nothing has changed between us. We still hug or rest our heads on each other's shoulders from time to time and do everything else we did. I can't admire him enough. I just wanted to say that I really want to have a boyfriend because although it is really nice to be able to talk to someone about how I'm feeling, I need a more physical connection. I'm not talking about sexual stuff; just the feeling of being hugged or kissed. That is all I want. Someone I can watch a movie with and be really close to. I feel that because I'm in the closet and that I don't know anyone that I want to be with, I'm restricted to being single. I hate it. It's like my freedom to have this connection with someone is taken away because there is no one to be with. There is a couple of gay people at my school but they are definitely not for me. And I don't want to be with one of them just because of the way I'm feeling. It wouldn't be the same. Also, I hate how there are two girls I know for sure want to date me and are really nice but I can't find one guy to be with; like the availability for girls is fine but the availability for guys is zero. And the fact that it would be so easy to be in a relationship with a girl and that it is so hard to even find a guy to be in a relationship with, frustrates me. Sometimes at night I cannot get to sleep. This leaves me feeling really tired in the morning and I spend my spare at school sleeping and I still feel tired. All I can think about is an imaginary boy who I'm holding hands with or hugging or kissing. It makes me really sad sometimes. And there is NO ONE to be with. There isn't even a consideration of someone. The boy I imagine tends to change in appearance because have no set person to think about. I am almost certain that if I got a boyfriend, I would do really well at school too. I'm doing well now and I spend a lot of time on homework and reviewing for tests. I work really hard at these things but I think my general happiness or yearning for a relationship is acting as a barrier between me and doing better in school. I feel that if I have someone to be with, I could work as hard as I am now and do much better. I feel this way because my memory and capability to understand things in class are affected by how I'm feeling. So whenever I have things to study or I have a test, I go into a bathroom stall and smile really hard for a couple minutes just to feel good and I can focus much better after. But that is only temporarily and if I worked really hard and didn't do that before a test, I'd likely do very poorly on the test. But that is all I can do right now. It is nowhere near having a someone to be with. I really, really don't want to wait until university to find someone. School would be soooo much easier if I had a boy to be with. I told my friend about this and it was nice to tell someone but he couldn't do anything about it. Just like I can't do anything about it. That is my main concern right now. And the type of guy I want to be with is a guy that is at least a little bit athletic and is a bit more masculine. I want to find someone within the next month before the winter break because I can spend time with him then. We could go snowboarding, skating, and just hang out inside. And I desperately want that.