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I really need some help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by hayleyb, Mar 21, 2018.

  1. hayleyb

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    england
    Gender:
    Female
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    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey guys,


    This is probably the most difficult thing I have had to think about.


    Im 21 and have been in a relationship with a guy for just over six months, although we have known each for several years. He is the most fantastic guy I have ever met, he’s caring, kind, generous and sensitive. Our relationship had troubles from the beginning, he is the first serious relationship I have ever had (only one previously but we didn’t do anything physical, mainly because I thought ‘i wasn’t ready’) however my boyfriend previously had a relationship of 7 years which ended in tragedy when she passed away in front of him. My boyfriend is the strongest guy I know but obviously going through such trauma has had a huge effect on him emotionally.


    However when we started seeing each other it went so well, we had lots of fun together, we have met each others families and become a ‘serious couple’. I know he is madly in love with me but at the moment he has no job and no prospects, so as he has said himself, I’m all he has going at the moment. However over the past few weeks I have started to realise, I think I’m gay.


    I think I might of been in denial about it for a while, I remember when I was younger I would develop crushes on girls but not seem to register them, I think I thought it was more jealousy then attraction. But lately its all I can think about, and its ripping my brain apart. I think I must be gay, or at least bi sexual. I find women so much more appealing then men, I love the shapes of their bodies, their soft skin and the curves of a woman body. My boyfriend is the only person I have ever had sex with, and when I finally first had sex I just remember thinking, oh, thats it?

    Although my boyfriend is great in bed, I struggle to enjoy it so much, I hear my friends talking about how much they love sex and the whole time I just think, really? Why?


    Im slowly coming to terms with the fact I might be gay, however absolutely no one knows. Friends have joked in the past that I must be gay but since getting a boyfriend its been a dropped conversation. So I cant talk to anyone about this.


    I feel like I’m going to explode.


    I dont want to hurt my boyfriend. He deserves so much better then me. He’s so madly in love with me and I’m terrified if I break it off he might hurt himself or worse (he suffers from depression and also has a lot of family trouble rn). I only get to see him once a month or so as I’m in my last year at university and he lives further away from me, however I don’t want to spend the time with him that I used to, I don’t really enjoy doing anything sexual with him and all I can think at the moment is that I’m going to explode if I don’t do something about it. I know this isn’t fair on him, but how can I break someones heart when thy have already been through so much? What if it turns out I’m not actually gay? How can I take away the one thing in his life that he lives for?


    Im at breaking point. I have no one to talk to about this and if I’m honest I think I’m too scared to tell anyone because if I do then it becomes real. He seems to think things are fine and as happy as normal, he tells me he loves me all the time and how beautiful I am. I try to do the same to him but I just cant seem to, not because I don’t think he’s good looking but because I don’t think I’m actually attracted to him.


    I dont know what to do. I’m terrified that by telling him I might be gay I might be sending him to his grave, but if I don’t then I feel like I might break.
     
  2. Mali Mali

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It must be tough.

    I think we can care a lot about someone, even if we decide they are not someone we want to date. It kind of seems to me from what you are writing, that you don't really want to date this guy.
    I understand that you are worried about his mental state. But staying with him is obviously hard on your own mental state.
    What kind of therapy/professional help does he get right now? Maybe you could help him get a bigger support network? He could get regular therapy (if he can afford it) or sometimes free therapy is available from people in therapist-training, fx at a college. He can join an online support website similar to this one (but for mental health issues, of course). Maybe there is a social support group where he lives? I'm thinking the kind of group where a bunch of people about the same age meet up and share their issues. This could build up a bigger network for him with people he will actually know and not just talk to online. Also, if he can handle it with his depression, he could join an interest club, a sports team, or maybe even find a social club where people just show up and hang out.

    I also really encourage you to find places for support. This site is obviously a good place to start. I think that making some local gay/bisexual friends might be really good for you too. I would search online for a local LGBTQ+ organization and contact them for advice and help.

    It seems to me that you don't want to keep dating your boyfriend and that you already see him less than you used to because of it. I think the two of you seeing each other less often might be a good way for you to show that you are not that interested in having a relationship with him anymore.

    If you break up, do you want to stay in touch with him and help him with his issues? If you do, then let him know. If not, then that is okay too.
    So basically, if you can help him build a bigger support network and social network, that would probably be good. But you also need to get out of the relationship, if it feels this wrong to you. You don't have to tell him the reason why, if you feel like it might hurt him more or if you just don't want to.
    I guess it is always difficult to tell what the best thing to do is in a situation like this. But I really don't think you should sacrifice your happiness over his. So help him as much as you can (without it becoming too much of a burden) and then make sure you get the help you need too.
     
  3. Patrick7269

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a hard time. I can only imagine.

    You know, when I was 21, I couldn’t get enough sex (although in reality that part of my life was pretty tame then) and I dreamed endlessly about men, masculinity, the void inside myself, and what experiences I needed to have with another human being to fill that void. Masculinity and sex were, and still are, this sweet enigma that I know I’ll never find the core of, and yet I would never want to. To me, sexuality and attraction are probably one of the most mysterious and beautiful things in life.

    So if you (at 21) have had sex with someone you care about and thought “meh” then I would look more closely into that. Of course everyone has a unique experience of their sexuality and their libido, but I think most young people feel rather powerless to it at some point. At least I did.

    In my opinion you deserve that experience of passion, and you have a right to find what works for you. Your boyfriend, as much as you care about him, is responsible for his own well-being. While I wouldn’t bring any change about too quickly, I would give this a bit of time and observe yourselves in this relationship. It sounds like you are emerging toward a lesbian or bi sexuality, regardless of the “inconvenience” - and that’s fine. In time you’ll know for sure, or at least with more certainty, and you can nudge your boyfriend toward self-sufficiency in the meantime.

    Sorry, it’s a little late here and I’ve been really blunt. I hope that came out right.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
    Seattle, WA
     
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