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I really just can't stand being gay anymore!

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by weathernerd447, Feb 9, 2014.

  1. I know what your going to say; "your going to have to accept yourself for who you are because you can't change it and your only going to be miserable if you don't accept it." But see, the thing is that I HAVE accepted it. I have accepted the fact that I'm never going to be able to change, and that I'm stuck in this miserable rut forever; and that even after I die I will still be gay for the rest of eternity. :bang: Yeah, well so what if everyone around me is all accepting and telling me to just accept myself. I have accepted that I will never change, but I will NEVER be able to accept being gay as a good thing.

    And don't tell me that I'm not trying hard enough because I've tried so fuking hard to accept that being gay is fine, but my mind is literally programmed to be incapable of thinking otherwise. And I don't want to hear "once you find someone who you truly love it won't matter to you anymore and you will be happy" because I'm currently dating someone who I truly love, and I still can't accept that being gay is okay.

    And I also don't want to hear that "you need to give yourself more time to accept yourself" because I have given myself years and years and you have no idea how hard I've worked to try to accept it as a good thing and it is impossible. And I know that I will never be able to change my wired thoughts on the matter because I can never change the fact that I will never be able to have true children because adoption and surrogate mother's are not the same, so don't tell me that they are.

    I will also never be able to change the way my mother viewed gay people because she is dead, and she was closer to me than anyone else has been or ever will be, and it is so fuking painful knowing the way she thought of my fellow gay people that I feel like killing myself over it, but I can't. I KNOW that I will never be able to let go of that because I have tried so hard and It's impossible.

    I have done EVERYTHING that I can possibly do. I have joined LGBT groups for acceptance, multiple counselors, multiple gay relationships to try to accept myself, came out to everyone, and NOTHING HELPS!!

    I KNOW that I will never be able to accept that being gay is okay, and that I can't commit suicide; even though I want to so badly, and have been hospitalized multiple times before over it, so WHAT ELSE CAN I POSSIBLY DO?!?!

    All I know is that if this mental inability to be able to accept myself continues, I will continue to have more and more severe mental breakdowns until the point comes where I just can't do anything in life anymore, and I am permanently put in a caring facility.

    I repeat, do NOT tell me that I am going to have to accept myself sooner or later, because how can I do that if it is mentally impossible for me because I have spent years and years trying?!?! PLEASE HELP ME!!! :tears::tears::tears:
     
    #1 weathernerd447, Feb 9, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2014
  2. Argentwing

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    I mean no offense, but what you think is acceptance is more similar to acknowledgement. You know the facts. Acceptance is the idea of making peace with the facts.

    Your discomfort with being gay is perfectly justified. Some people love it, but for some people it just sucks-- they don't want the hardships associated with it.

    The only way I can really help is by telling you just what you don't want to hear. However, there is a workaround here. You don't need to accept your gayness in order to love yourself. You can set it aside, call it a flaw/unfavorable feature/whatever, and recognize that overall, you're an okay guy. And even if you don't want to be gay, you can continue to pursue happiness in whatever way feels natural to you.
     
  3. I have called it a "flaw" but I don't know how to set it aside so that it doesn't bother me anymore. That's all I really want to do because I'm not sure how I will be able to be happy otherwise.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    I think to me from reading your post you have spent a lot of time and effort in dealing with the fact you are gay. My advice would be to do nothing for a while. You are right you cant change it, you will always be gay, its almost making the best of what you got and im not saying you haven't tried.

    What do you feel is the worst part of being gay?
     
  5. I think the worst thinig about being gay is a tie between two things: the fact that I will never be able to have children which I can truly call my own; not through adoption or surrogate, and the fact that my own mother who was my everything, will never be able to accept that I am gay because she followed the church and everything that they said. I just can't deal with it. My dad said that she would've accepted me; but I can't let go of that one thing that she said about gay people; that "the reason Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans was because there are so many gay people living there." I can never let go of that; no matter what anyone else tells me about how she would've accepted it. ;(
     
  6. Simple Thoughts

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    Wow, that's a lot to read and process...

    I'm not even sure where to begin really.

    Acceptance is a hard thing, especially when there are certain roadblocks in the way that keep you trapped inside of a negative frame of mind. I think you're putting too much stress on yourself for this, but I suppose that is a thing people can't help doing to themselves. It seems to be one of the many flaws of human nature.

    The fact that you can't have children who you could consider honestly yours is saddening to me. I have two things I'd like to say in that regard. The first is we don't know what the future holds and what you think is impossible may be common practice in the future ( though personally I don't hinge my hopes in maybes ). The second thing I'd like to say is Family is more than blood. Children aren't yours simply because you share genetics with them. It's about the bond you form watching them grow up. It's about the memories you share. It's about helping them as they walk through all the stages of life until they're finally ready to walk life's path on their own. Being a parent runs deeper than just genetics and maybe you can't have a child that's biologically yours, but you could certainly have a child that means just as much to you in your heart ^.^

    About your mother. Unfortunately there is no closure here. This will be something that you'll have to deal with in your own way on your own terms. You keep going to the fact that you are 'gay' to find acceptance, but maybe you should think more about making peace with your mother. Even though she's no longer with you, that doesn't mean that this issue has to remain completely unresolved. You just have to find your own way of moving forward. With time ( and I know you don't wanna hear that ) you'll find your way there, but only if you're willing to push forward yourself.
     
  7. Clay

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    You say you'll never be able to have "true" children because surrogacy isn't the same.

    How isn't it? If it's children you want, adoption is fine, if it's your genes being passed down, surrogacy is the answer.

    What's different?
     
  8. Tectonic

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    Weathernerd (funny, I'm a weather nerd!), what is it you want to hear? One thing that you'll never hear is that you will change. Not gonna happen.

    You need to stop living in the past. Live for now and the future. The past is irrelevant.


    I agree with the acknowledgment vs acceptance line posted earlier. You say you don't want to hear these things because you have accepted it, and then at the end of your OP, you said that you will never be able to accept it. Clearly, you're confused, and that's ok. You'll get through this. Since you didn't state that you didn't want to hear about not living in the past, I'll repeat it: Stop living in the past. I'm sorry about your mother, but if your father, who knew your mother longer than you did, says that she would have accepted you, you should take his word for it. Especially if she was closer to you than anyone else has, or ever will be.

    Someone's views, or comments, in the past doesn't necessarily dictate their future views. My best friend used to make comments about homosexuals regarding how it's so wrong and immoral, etc, etc. Now he's good friends with a lot of gay people and has told me how he still can't believe how ignorant he used to be.

    Again, stop living in the past. And when it comes to your mom, trust your dad.
     
    #8 Tectonic, Feb 9, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2014
  9. Kalon

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    I'm not one to really give advice because i haven't even come out yet but what i can say is it sounds like you haven't accepted, it seems as if you just know you can't change it. which you can't because if i could i would. You just have to embrace who you are. It sounds like the reason you can fully accept yourself is because you don't think your mom would approve but i'm sure she loved you and would still love you no matter what. Take it day by day. hope it gets better for you kid.
     
  10. greatwhale

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    Hey weathernerd447,

    My condolences on the loss of your mother, it's a huge burden to carry around unfinished business, and unresolved issues.

    Here's something you might want to try, it has worked for many who grieve:

    Write a "hello again" letter to your mother. Write with the purpose of saying "hello again" and not a final goodbye. Try to speak sincerely from the heart, about what is notable or important in the relationship. You may wish to reflect on what she has provided you, intentionally or unintentionally, of lasting worth. Give words to the thoughts and feelings that are unspoken and the questions that are unasked.

    You may wish to structure your letter using the following prompts:

    a) What I have always wanted to tell you is...

    b) What you never understood was...

    c) What I want you to know about me is...

    d) What I now realize is...

    e) The one question I have wanted to ask is...

    f) I want to keep you in my life by...

    Respond to as many as you wish or address other unrelated issues. If you want you can share these with us, it could help us help you.

    As for being gay, I just have one question. Do you judge the color of your hair, or your height, or any other trait about yourself over which you have no control? Do you call any of these things "good" or "bad"? I may be important for you to try to understand why it is so important to you to give some kind of judgment to being gay.

    Being gay just is, neither good nor bad.

    Try instead to see the good in others, and the good in the person you love, that's the only appropriate place to ask whether there is good or not to be found.
     
  11. frkn frk

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    Are u gay or not? If u ever used the argument "it is me", then u r actually saying "I am tired of being human". If u can stop being gay, good for u. Consider urself lucky for the realization. I am not trying to b h8ful. You don't need a lot of emotionalism right now. Ur emotions r already volatile. So i'll just say it...B a man. Love ya
     
  12. Andrew99

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    Hey bud u might need more time i was talking to a guy on here ya he's 69 and just accepted himself last month time is all u need. That's what I needed and im 14 and accepted myself
     
  13. Wow, I wasn't expecting that many responses. Some of the things mentioned I really didn't want to hear even though I know they're true; I have to face reality. I would just like to say that I realize that no one else in life cares about one because that's what my dad said, but I guess I was just hoping for an answers that I wasn't going to get. :/

    And to answer the questions mentioned; the reason surrogacy isn't the same is because you don't share the same bond because the child can only be related to one parent; not both. And therefore you will never share the same bond; no matter how much you love that child as you watch them grow up. And to answer the other question; yes I do judge other genetic traits of myself; but not to the same degree as being gay. The reason being that being gay is something which my mother greatly hated; and I'm not sure if time will heal that, or how to get closure with it.

    And in regards to the comment about me being "confused"; I accept and acknowledge the fact that I am gay and that it is in changeable; but cannot, no matter what I do accept that it is something which is neither good nor bad, but just a generic characteristic of oneself. And I think that the main reason for that once again stems to my mom.

    Thank you for all your answers. I guess that my intentions of posting this was to try to get closure which i know that I will never get.
     
  14. Karabeara

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    I am so sorry that you're mother felt that way.:tears: I understand why you would feel the child wouldn't be yours. But what if it was you're sperm and you adopted the baby with you're partner at birth. I don't know if that would help at all. Are you religious would praying help? That's a lot to go through with at you're age. I know as I'm discovering my sexuality a lot if times when I get to emotional about it I have to focus on something else. But I would really focus on you wanting to kill yourself. Maybe try some group therapy focusing on that. Hope this helps. Hopefully.
     
  15. Simple Thoughts

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    To answer this part specifically. I suppose it really comes down to the person. Some people couldn't tell you the difference between the adopted child they've come to love and their own flesh and blood child. Other folks the story might be different. I personally think that the journey of raising a child is where the true feelings come from. A parent who isn't around to watch their biological child grow up and experience the joy of being a parent is not going to have the same connection to their child as an adoptive parent who raised their child and cared for them every step of the way.

    Also, not all people put their hinge on genetics. Personally, if I found myself happily with a man whom I was ready to spend my life with and we decided on children. I wouldn't care that the kid wasn't genetically mine. What would matter to me is that I do the best I can for that child and let our journey together in life create that emotional attachment.

    I suppose for each person that is different though.
     
  16. Clay

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    Nonsense.

    Having a child isn't about it being related to parents, it's about raising it through childhood. Many people were raised by step-fathers or mothers, with no input whatsoever from their biological parents, and they're not even surrogate children. The step-parents consider the child theirs, because it is really, they raised it like a father or mother.

    Heck even I had zero input from my dad from when I was a few months old. He up and decided that doing literally anything else in his life (shopping, watching tv, anything) was more important to him than whether or not his children were alive or dead. I then went through life with no second parent at all.

    Biology has nothing to do with it, it's love, that's what matters. Whoever loves and raises the child is their parents, it doesn't matter who they are, and trust me the kids not going to think of them any different.
     
  17. Karabeara: Me and my family are very religious devout Catholics. I've prayed so hard to God to help me accept myself, but it doesn't seem to work. But I guess all of you are right in the sense that your family is based off of who loves you; not genetics. It still just feels like it wouldn't be the same. But some straight couples can't have children either; so I guess I just have to play the cards I've been given unfortunatley. :/ Hopefullly years from now things will be different; hopefully.
     
  18. willycubed28

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  19. Simple Thoughts

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    I wish you the best, and with a bit of time I'm sure you'll find your own way of making peace with everything to achieve happiness :slight_smile:
     
  20. I'm really sorry, I hope I didn't offend you willycubed28. And I'm sorry that your birth mother felt that way about you. ;( I guess that I just want to feel like I contributed to bringing new life into this world rather than taking and raising a life that someone else brought into the world; even if you give the child infinite love. But everything you said was right. And I should start looking at the glass half full.

    Simple thoughts: I'm sure that I will be able to make peace with it someday, even if it takes me many years. Thank you :slight_smile: