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I realized something..

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by DreamerAsh, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. DreamerAsh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2018
    Messages:
    207
    Likes Received:
    95
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That calm, cold response. And unwelcoming feeling causing that hurt, and fear in the bottom of my stomach. When I come out..when mom looks at me, finally knowing the full story of who I am..when I see someone I used to know, some guy and his friends and I try to blend in with the guys..and they treat me like an outsider..those unwelcoming gazes of the ladies at the changing rooms in stores, at the checkouts of stores. That feeling and response will follow me everywhere I go.

    I don't want to live stealth when everything aligns properly, I want to be proud of the trans man I am. But, that feeling, that response..How do you forget that? Just blend in with the other men, converse with the women, and know underneath the calmness, if they knew..would it be just like that? How can I live alongside people without knowing whether they fully accept the whole me? Both the cis male I appear to be..and the fact that I used to be a woman..

    How can I be out and proud? I don't think I can handle the harsh reality..perhaps I should retreat away into hiding, my true self..so that I won't have to face it..Can I run away from my true self?..Do I even want to, anymore?..
    I'm so tired of the constant fighting..I've been through things not related to my transition..and fought then, to survive. I don't really want to fight yet again, to survive. Can't I just..give up?..
     
  2. AlexJames

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2017
    Messages:
    1,103
    Likes Received:
    218
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Idk what to tell you. I think its different for everyone. And certainly take my opinion with a grain of salt cause i'm not even out or started a formal transition yet. But i think random people like the cashier or the person behind you in line, they don't need to know. Its none of their business and it doesn't have a lasting impact. But people close to you, sure. I have a trans pride necklace and i find that its only ever the allies and fellow lgbt people who know what it means. Other people, i lie to. I say i liked it or i say it was a gift. I don't owe an explanation to random people, and their knowing or not knowing wouldn't impact me long term.
     
    emerry likes this.