That calm, cold response. And unwelcoming feeling causing that hurt, and fear in the bottom of my stomach. When I come out..when mom looks at me, finally knowing the full story of who I am..when I see someone I used to know, some guy and his friends and I try to blend in with the guys..and they treat me like an outsider..those unwelcoming gazes of the ladies at the changing rooms in stores, at the checkouts of stores. That feeling and response will follow me everywhere I go. I don't want to live stealth when everything aligns properly, I want to be proud of the trans man I am. But, that feeling, that response..How do you forget that? Just blend in with the other men, converse with the women, and know underneath the calmness, if they knew..would it be just like that? How can I live alongside people without knowing whether they fully accept the whole me? Both the cis male I appear to be..and the fact that I used to be a woman.. How can I be out and proud? I don't think I can handle the harsh reality..perhaps I should retreat away into hiding, my true self..so that I won't have to face it..Can I run away from my true self?..Do I even want to, anymore?.. I'm so tired of the constant fighting..I've been through things not related to my transition..and fought then, to survive. I don't really want to fight yet again, to survive. Can't I just..give up?..