I plan on finally confessing about my "depression/unhappiness"

I guess this is all there is to it sucks because a post like this is also my first post ever. So, hi. I'm Kriemhild. Anyways
I want to tell my best friends the truth. I know this can't be avoided no matter what I do.

There is so much i want to say but lets start with this. Hey. I've wanted to talk about this for so long. However, everytime I get the opportunity, I wuss out and you'll luckily change the subject. But here it goes. I've wanted to talk about something that's been on my mind for as long as I remember but has had a more major affect during the past two or three years. And here it is: I could be wrong but I think I have depression. I'm not sure, I don't wanna mislabel it. I don't wanna seem like a plain sad teenager when that's not what I feel. I've dropped a few hints but I've never gone into them. Some may have just been me wanting attention. I don't really know. I think you might know what I'm talking about. If you've seen a change in me, this is the reason. If you've ever asked if I'm okay and I say yes and even provide an excuse, it's always a lie. I'm always feeling something and quite frankly I'm never really okay. Sometimes, I'll get distracted and I'll forget how unhappy I really am. How miserable I am. I thought this was only temporary until I looked back. I've always felt this. Ever since i was a child, I sometimes got this "nothing matters" or "you're missing something" feeling. I just never thought about it. The feeling came and left. However, the past two years haven't really been the best. This feeling came around more and it stayed longer. I'm still confused. The other stuff hit harder than they once had. And for once, I had thought about it. I had sometimes thought about death. "What would people think if I died? How would they feel?" But now, I think about it everyday. "It doesn't matter anyways. The suffering will stop". I started thinking about hurting myself this year too. I used to just take a knife and stab a box or a foam noodle that was used for a people(for fun and for pain). But now, everytime I get mad or upset about something(everyday), my mind shoots cutting myself. The only thing stopping me is the shame I would receive from my friends because they make fun of people who cut themselves. And honestly, I don't know why I would want to. Maybe attention, maybe just a way to relieve what I can't say. More unhappy thoughts came too. Over the last 7 or 8 years, they developed. The you're not worth anything, stop it because you're just being rude or you're hurting feelings, why would you say that, you're stupid stupid stupid, you have nothing to live for, you rejection, you sin, you bastard child. The list piles on. No matter who I'm with or where I am or what I'm doing, I always feel alone. Everything is falling apart around me. The kingdom of masks that I built. It's just so hard for me to fake anything nowadays. I feel like I don't deserve anything but I feel like I deserve everything. My health has depleted too. I lack motivation to anything. Clean my room, brush my teeth, even take a shower everyday. And this just makes me more unattractive. Everyone tallies my lack of motivation as procrastination and I let them. My mother exposes me as being lazy, I even heard her say that my sisters and I can never do anything right. I try to act funny as an excuse to make up for me being a failure of a person. I'm not the person she raised. I don't know who I am. I'm just a ghost. An empty void. I feel like such a bore to my friends. I try to hard. Or I don't try enough. I'm stuck between who I want to be and who others want me to be. I'm a hypocrite. I always try to make it keep others happy when I don't even know how to keep myself happy. I'll tell them all these things when I can't even take my own advice. I like to dance in the rain because it feels like the world is crying for me since I can hardly do it on my own. I'll just laugh and dance as the tears hit the ground. I'm a terrible person. I smiled when my best friend was in a dilemma or a crisis. I finally started dated someone after a whole life of blank, fake relationships. However, the feeling went away as I because more and more guilty. "You don't like who I am. You like what you think you see." But the truth is, I'm the same old me, dressed up for Halloween. I get nervous around the people that I admire. I'll sneak looks at them(and sometimes get caught). How do you do it? How can you make it seem so effortless to seem like such a good person? To be a leader? I could never even inch up to who they are. Cause no matter what I am on the outside. I'm still the same on the inside. And I'm only 15. Pathetic. I shouldn't feeling these things.

I don't know why I'm sharing this. Maybe because I want to see how others react before I reveal the secret of a life time. Maybe it's easier for me to talk to people I don't know because I know that I'm just another aspect that won't be thought about. I'll be remembered for maybe a day and then I'll just go back to being forgotten. And I get comforted knowing this. Sorry.

 

I'm kinda weird. Some do have roots but not all of them. The things I feel are a combination of reasons for why I feel them and no reason at all. Example, I'll feel nothing and then I'll start feeling the things that have reasons, which make me feel worse. It goes from empty to having everything dumped onto me at once. If any of that makes sense. What makes it worse is that I can't do anything about it. No matter how much I want to, I can hardly cry. The last time I actually cried was when I was reading about another person's experience with depression. They mentioned what it was like when they started taking prescriptioned medicine, how everything felt and seemed more saturated. I cried because I wanted that so bad. I can't really talk to anyone. But I want to. I want to start feeling better. I' not sure if telling my friend is a good idea. I just have nothing left so if that falls out, I don't know if I could handle it. And finally, some may relieve their pain by inflicting harm on themselves. I'm to scared to do it. But I'm more scared of when I won't be scared to do it anymore.

Anyone that has a higher authority than me and they are responsible, I look up to them. They are literally everything that I'm not. I' not mature. I can't be. I can barely do what needs to be done when it needs to be done so responsible is out of the window. Some of them seem so cool or awesome without even trying, and me being a try hard, I just hate it.