About a year ago, if someone would have told me that I would be here, I would have completely denied such thing. I was straight, a year ago, or so I thought. I was about to graduate from my university, I was about to finish and suddenly I was behind in class and hiding things from my parents. I was not going to graduate, I was not going to cross the stage with my friends, I was being left behind. So I lied, I lied to myself and seeked another reality, another place where I was not constantly reminded that I was not the "perfect daughter" my parents had raised. So I found her, at the same time I was lost, I found her. Full of light, safety and a person I could pretty much talk about anything. She did not know I was a complete failure at home, for her, I was just a person with dreams and goals she wished she could also have. I met her online and she was in love with someone else and I did not want to feel anything but I wanted someone, I needed someone to just be with me right now, that I was lying to my parents, isolated myself from my friends and lost all faith in myself. And she became that without realizing. I fell in love with her and I confessed to her right after she broke up with her girlfriend. And she accepted to be mine, of course not feeling anything for me at all and missing her girlfriend, but I did not care, she was with me now, right? I was going to be happy, have someone by my side, I may have been a failure at home but with her, I wasn't. The first two months were hell. I knew she did not love me but I did not accept that, in my mind, maybe some day she could learn to love me. I could not fail here. Suddenly things changed. She started being different with me, she started opening to me, she admitted that she had not loved me then but she missed me now. The months after that, we grew inseparable, we knew everything about one another, we talked, we grew together. She told me "I love you," first, and all I had left to say was, "I love you, too." I was in love with a girl, she made me feel happy, alive, safe. But I never stop to think that I was still lying to my parents. I was lying about not graduating and now I was not even who they thought I was but I did not care. There was one thing that broke us. To this day, I am not sure what went wrong. Right now, I think I am still mad, but I am not sure if it is at her, or at myself or at the distance that separated us. When her ex would always try to talk to her, she would always go, she knew it hurted me but she went anyways. I couldn't go to her, because I was caught in between lies, we never met in person, always online. One day, she came to me and told she couldn't do this anymore, she cried, she was tired, she wanted me with her and at the same time she did not wanted me with her because she did not have time for this anymore. I left. For a month and came back. My parents found about me not graduating but that is a whole different story. They forgave me, supported me and told keep going to school, finish what I had started and currently I am. I came back to her, thinking this time it would be different, that maybe she would be better. It was not. She wanted to try again, fix things between us. We started talking, but this time, I was not lying to anyone anymore, I was at peace with my mind, and she, she had her troubles, I am still unsure what they are. She was so distant, so cold and I was completely free. That month I had been without her I was at peace. I did miss her, I did want to see her but I was hurt also, why did her ex keep appearing in our relationship. We tried, I tried. But this time I was not going to suffer like before. I know I made her suffer too. I told her that I could not be what I was back then, she was talking to her ex again, and that still hurt me because even after this time apart, she was talking to her. To this day: I question myself. Did she even love me? Had she even love me like she had told me millions of times? Had it been my fault for asking her out so soon? I think it is now, but then why did she had told me she loved me and the other girl meant nothing to her. I left this time. This last time, I told her I couldn't keep doing this anymore. I wanted to be happy and I was not happy there anymore. I love her but I was unsure if she loved me and I could not live with that anymore. I am not sure right now, if I can "see" her again. If we just ended breaking each other, but what I do know, is that I want to learn to let go of that "pain" I feel when I think of her, that resentment, and maybe some day when I look back, thank her, for being my first girlfriend, for making me realize that I am not straight, I do not identify as straight, I am still unsure. I hope some day I can think of her, and think of all the happy moments we had, because we had a lot. Right now, I am trying so hard to not go back, to not look back, to distract myself with new things, this is my first breakup ever so I am learning how to cope. This is why I am here. "This is the lesson I had to learn." - Benny Benassi I never really met her but I fell in love.
I'm in a similar situation as you. I don't really know this woman. We met a year ago when I bought my car. She was the finance manager. This is my story I didn't like how pushy she was. I didn't like how close she stood to me. Normally I don't mind people being close to me but with her it was different. How did I go from being terrified of her to not being able to get her how of my head? Did I trauma bond with this woman? I was abused by her. She never laid a hand on me, but she did abuse me. I know that I can’t talk about her to those who love me because I risk being outed. Someone will figure out that I like her. That someone may force me to disclose to her which could jeopardize my safety. A few close friends know. I will call this woman “Charlene” I was angry at myself for allowing it happen. I should have listened to that inner voice that told me not come. I ignored it. I watched Charlene walk past me and the room fell silent as she stared at me. My thoughts pounded and my heart beat me in my chest. My lungs shouting out for oxygen. My stomach twisted and I wanted to run. I wouldn’t have a chance. My 4′ 11 and half body was not match for her. I had to go forward. Maybe, if i get her to like me she won’t hurt me. Get up and leave run! No stay! It’s too late you have to follow through. You have no choice you have to go through with it. And you can’t tell anyone. Hide this from everyone including yourself. I left in daze. I went to bed the moment I got home. I couldn’t sleep. My chest, like a fire had been ignited inside of me. I replayed the situation over and over in my head. When the sun rose I left the house. I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened the day before. I put my best face. I ask myself the same question. Does she know how I feel. Will she break my heart? Will she be mean to me? Or will she tell me she's not interested. If she does return my feelings am I ready for that. Hope this helps. You're not alone
Hey sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your thread after telling you to write it. I breakups are always hard even when they are for the best. She was a part of your life when things were rough and during that period she made them better, to a point she was just what you needed. She obviously has her own issues but I think another big issue probably preventing this relationship ever really moving forward is her links to that bad period and all that has gone on. Give yourself time to grieve what you have lost. You are doing the right thing trying to look to new things. You say you are now finishing school, is there an LGBT or gay straight alliance you can join? Have you ever heard the saying about people coming into your life for a reason, season or lifetime? I think maybe that's true here. I'm sure in her own way when she said she loved you she did but I don't think that is true anymore. You are improving and moving forward with your life, and I think you should move forward from this girl and in time you will look back fondly on your time together.
