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I need to help my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ava405, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. Ava405

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    I apologise if this isn’t the right place to post this. I just really need some advice and I don’t have anyone I can properly talk to.

    About 3 months in to my relationship with my boyfriend he dropped in to conversation a couple of time that he always thought that he should sleep with a guy even though he doesn’t want to. I wasn’t really sure what to say to this, he started to talk a lot about a gay guy at work flirting with him and I noticed for some reason I started to feel uncomfortable.

    I asked him if he was interested in guys and he’s became very upset and I could really he understand what he was saying. He said he’d often thought he should try it and was confused and didn’t want to talk about it. I tried to be understanding and supportive but explained as his girlfriend I needed to be able to understand.

    We had weeks of converation where every time we spoke what he said changed. He said that he had suppressed being attracted to guys occasionally and had thought of doing sexual acts to a guy but not them doing it to him.

    He always maintained that he had never been with a guy or even flirted with a guy. I then found messaged on his phone from a friend since childhood that was very sexual and flirty over the past few years. This guy also appears to be confused about his sexuality. My boyfriend said nothing had happened between them and he recognised they shouldn’t flirt anymore. There’s had been a few messaged from the guy since we got together and I found this really disrespectful.

    When I met his friend at a party he was very rude to me all night and spent most of the night staring at me or giving me dirty looks.


    My boyfriend expressed he is attracted to men very occasionally and if single he would be open to sleeping with a guy if he met the right person. He said he had never touched himself thinking about a guy and didn’t enjoy gay porn. I found it a little confused that hes atracted to me, isn’t specifically turned on about doing stuff with them but is open to do it. He said he would look at gay porn and touch himself but said he didn’t really enjoy it.

    On one occasion in bed he asked me if oral sex is difficult to do or what Selam taste like, this I found quite upsetting as I thought he was thinking about men when in bed with me.

    When we were really in a bad place he suggested doing stuff with a guy to put my anxiety to rest and be able to move forward in our relationship. He later said he didn’t mean this and he was just thinking of ways to save our relationship and put my anxiety to rest.


    I love him very much and I want to support be him, I want him to be who he really is and enjoy life but I feel my anxiety about the situation is really effecting my mental health and self esteem.

    He isn’t a very forward person with our sex life, he find it hard to express what he likes and always says if it turn you on then it turns me on. He isn’t very experienced in bed and very proactive, just the same about exploring his sexuality in his mind or take steps to physically explore it. He has had very brief relationships with women in his early 20’s, I’ve had to help him learn pretty much everything about satisfying a women in bed.

    He says he wants to be with me and have a future together and doesn’t see being atracted to me a big deal not exploring it.

    It’s not that I don’t believe what he is saying but I’m worried because he is someone who naturally isn’t very proactive with sex or sexuality, he isn’t in a place to commit to serious relationship or our future as he hasn’t fully explored himself yet. As I say I love him very much and want to support him. I’m worried that years down the line he will realise he should have explored it more and has suppressed how he feels.

    He has gone to therapy but only really for our relationship and needed a lot of promoting. He said the therapist said how he feels is normal and I’m just being unfair or over anxious.

    I would really appreciate anyone’s thoughts of advice, thank you so much xx
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Ava405

    Welcome to EC. I’m sorry to hear that you’re gong through a tough time.

    I don’t know your boyfriend, but it sounds like he’s at least slightly questioning his sexuality. I don’t *know* this for sure or what it might mean, but that you’re on EC and from what you’ve written in your OP, it seems that way.

    Nobody here can give you an answer. The same way we couldn’t give your boyfriend an answer, if he came here. He’ll work it out in his own time and there’s no way of knowing what the conclusion will be, how clear it will be or when he’ll get there.

    All you can do is act on the information that you have now and continue to be supportive.

    Think about what you want, whether the relationship is fulfilling your needs and if it could move forward as you want it to. I’m not suggesting you leave necessarily, but don’t forget to look after yourself too.
     
  3. Batman

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    It sounds like he's having a really difficult time :/ Its so great how you're supporting him though.

    I'm not sure if this is good advice, but its what I would do if I was in the situation. I would end the relationship. You guys are only three months in. He's still so young and confused and it sounds like he'll need some time on his own to be able to actually talk about it and be honest with himself. I don't think the pressure of maintaining the relationship would be great for either of you.

    Otherwise, I would just suggest finding a therapist with LGBTQ+ experience, or other counselling/services directed at people questioning their sexual orientation.
     
    #3 Batman, Feb 9, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2020