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I need to come out but I can't find the words

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tartanskrt, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. Tartanskrt

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    Hi Frankie
    Well you might bore yourself but you don't bore me. Seeing you on here always cheers me up.
    I'm glad you're accepting your feelings more and trying to enjoy the upside, it's quite the upside let's face it, lol.
    I'm still here, still hopelessly attracted to women. I find I spend more and more time looking at women too. I feel like a hormonal teenager but then I guess I never let myself be a hormonal teenager.
    I am still thinking about telling my husband. I know this can't continue forever but I'm still gutless. He's been a bit better the last couple of days and even said I could talk to him about what's bothering me.
    I just want to be brave, braver than I feel.
     
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  2. Frankie46

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    Walking the dog. I’ll check in later ☺️ Frankie x
     
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  3. Frankie46

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    Hi Tartan and anyone else that’s reading. The dog is starting to hide the lead and play dead. I think the incessant walking and thinking is taking its toll on the old girl.

    I was told by a friend this week that another person has accused me of having an affair this week (with a man). Well what a crappy dilemma that has created. I wanted to throw my head back and laugh manically but it may have been just a touch insensitive under the circumstances. Seriously, you couldn’t make this up. I have zero intentions of sleeping with a man and have no idea what to do next with regards to a relationship with a woman. It it is more likely that hell will freeze over before I get my shit in order but hey, that won’t stop the gossip mill turning. Somebody upstairs must be howling with the irony of it all.
    Has anyone got any sterling tips on how to acquire some professional counselling? I am in the UK and I’m happy to talk on the phone or face to face (disguise kit is on order from Amazon). Chatting on this forum would seem ridiculous to anybody that isn’t in this situation as it’s opening your heart to faceless strangers. I can honestly say that it is amazing to have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged. To know that there are other people pounding the streets and worrying about the same fears does make life a little easier. I am hoping that having the opportunity to talk about my situation (as opposed to type) may be the next logical step.
    What’s occurring, Tartan? I promise not to shorten your name any more. I have been reading your posts and do wonder if the woman of your dreams realises how deep your feelings go. I am hoping that she doesn’t as the flirting seems rather inappropriate if she constantly draws a line in the sand that you are not too cross. I can’t imagine having to see somebody at work that I had such strong feelings for but hadn’t/couldn’t voice my thoughts. Do you think that a job change may be the way forward? If you didn’t have the distraction of this woman you may find that your feelings and frustrations are not as heightened on a daily basis. Just a thought.

    On a lighter note does anyone lie when asked about a favourite actor/actress of the opposite sex that you’d like to ****? I have found myself waxing lyrical or clutching at straws for a male actor when really I’m shouting Laura Prepon or whoever I’m secretly checking out. Come on, who’s the secret tv/film crush?

    I look forward to any replies. You’re all fabulous.

    Frankie x
     
  4. chicodeoro

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    Hi Frankie, it's taken me five months to finally get face to face counselling in London. I got fed up waiting for the NHS providers and having online arguments with them about why I didn't feel comfortable revealing intimate details of my life via a screen! In the end I literally did a Google search for private therapists and emailed one who had a track record of dealing with LGTBQ patients. It's costing, of course, but like you it got to a point where I desperately needed to let it all out and talk to someone. In real life.

    I feel certain that there will be ones in your local area - therapy must be one of the few booming sectors at the moment..

    Hope this helps!
    Beth
     
    #44 chicodeoro, Oct 1, 2020
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  5. Drizzle

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    Hi Frankie. I've been reading this thread and lots of things here have resonated for me. I'm a gay woman, married to a man (I have only realised my sexuality over the last few years). I found a private therapist (but not in the UK) by looking up the online register of a professional organisation, which listed people who had experience with lgbt issues. It worked out well. My therapist is a gay man. I pay him privately but he offers a sliding scale of fees. I have been talking to him over the phone during the pandemic. I also wonder if you have the possibility of connecting with lgbt organisations (I'm not sure what would be near you). I've had a great experience with a peer support group run by an lgbt organisation near me. It helped with becoming comfortable with my sexuality (and I made some good friends). It's meeting online at the moment, so you might find that you could access similar groups even though they are not very conveniently located for you, if they are meeting online. Good luck to you and everyone posting here on your journeys.
     
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  6. Frankie46

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    Thanks Beth. I hope it goes well for you.
    Frankie x
     
  7. Tartanskrt

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    Oh Frankie I'm so sorry you're the current victim of the rumour mill, it's never comfortable is it. But you will survive it just as I'm sure you'll survive it again if you take the decision to be more open about your sexuality.
    Can you not go on a walk without the dog? Poor thing, lol.
    To answer your question I don't actually work with her, well I kind of do, it's complicated. Let's just say if we did get together this town's rumour mill would explode. The jokey rumours about us were bad enough. We have a strange relationship and if I'm honest I think she knows I fancy her. I'm a bit of a flirt in general and I can't resist playing these little games with her. Normally I think it's fine and fun but sometimes it does get to me. Logically I know I shouldn't go there and nothing will ever happen but she just does it for me. I am finding it easier to distance myself from my feelings for her over time but yeah I'm not quite ready to give up yet. Talking to her about it's not happening, certainly not any time soon.
    I have a comedy straight tv crush I pull out whenever I'm asked that question (same one since I was 18). Gary Linekar. It works perfectly everyone had a laugh and thinks I have an ear fetish and no one then guesses. I hope a lot of women find Laura Prepon attractive; it might help me if I ever get the nerve to get out there. I've never felt that being a tall, fair skinned, amazon type woman was a good thing for me but there is nothing I can do about it much like there are other things I can do nothing about. I've been rewatching Bad Girls so rediscovering my Simone Lahbib crush.
    I know nothing about how to find a counselor either. I feel like I should but it also scares me rigid. It's great that you're feeling ready to look into it though. Keep in mind it doesn't have to be the perfect person for you to talk to, they just have to be someone professional who you feel comfortable with. Be sure to let us know how you get on in your search.
    Feel free to shorten my name, my actual one can't be shortened so I'll enjoy the novelty. It is great to have somewhere to talk about these things. I think it definitely helps with the self acceptance. So to my fellow over walker, I hope you have a good day and the rumour mill doesn't get to you too much.
    Nice talking to you as ever. X
     
  8. Old Dog

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  9. Frankie46

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    Hi Tartan. It’s late so this will be short and I’ll try and catch up tomorrow. I’ve just been researching counselling services online and thought I’d take a look at the options that ‘Pride’ provides. £240 per month (insert shocked face). No wonder mental health issues within the gay community are disproportionately high. Back to the drawing board with this.
    Anyway, thank god for the anonymous Tartan and co who keep me sane, entertained and don’t require a down payment for good advice.
    I googled Simone Lahbib...I would. Gary Linneker...you can keep him .

    Night all.

    Frankie x
     
  10. Frankie46

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    Hi Drizzle. Thank you for your reply. I have just started to research the cost of counselling and I’m shocked. I think I’ll take your advice and see what LGBT support groups there are available. This is so not me. I would usually run a mile from such a thing (still chance) but the constant churning of my stomach and inability to think of anything else is killing me off.
    I’ll keep you posted and thank again for your reply.

    Frankie x
     
  11. Tartanskrt

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    Wow that is a lot of £. I like your am not naturally drawn to counseling. Mainly because I'm scarily independent and terrible at being vulnerable, which probably makes me exactly the kind of person who needs counseling, oh the irony. I have always been someone who does better with actions than ruminating. Throw me at your problem and I will solve it, leave me with myself and things don't end so well. I think the other thing is that for me action is what has always worked for me in the past. It hasn't always been pretty but it has always made me grow. This is of course not the mature sensible advice though.
    I would like to add that my total mess of a brain isn't yet showing through too badly. Go me. An acquaintance of mine told me yesterday ' God I wish I could be like you, you always seem so happy and organised and positive and you're so brave'. I told her that I'm actually a bit of a mess and she just laughed and called me a perfectionist. Maybe I should have told her I'm a closet lesbian, that would have been interesting, lol.
    Did you never watch Bad Girls? Season 1-3 are well worth it. The programme is horribly corny but the whole Helen and Nikki thing is just too good.
     
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  12. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Frankie46,

    I’m sorry that you’re struggling to find a therapist or counselling service.

    Regarding cost...that does, unfortunately, seem about right for any counselling service, LGBT or not. Most counsellors/therapist around my area seem to charge between £40-£60 per session. My therapist cost me £190 per month (now £200), but it’s an investment in yourself and if you can manage it, then it’s worth it with the right therapist. Some therapists will offer a free phone call before the first session, so you can get to know them a little before committing.

    With regards to their specialism, which you mentioned in one of your earlier posts, they do not necessarily need to be an LGBT specialist in order to work with you successfully. Mine actually specialises in children generally and people of all ages coping with terminal illness. If they are a good therapist and it’s a good fit, then their specialism might not actually be that key to it working out.

    Have you looked at the counselling directory? Or have you considered NHS talking therapies, which might be an option if you’re experiencing anxiety or another mental health issue too?
     
    #52 LostInDaydreams, Oct 3, 2020
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  13. Frankie46

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    Hey.

    I know it’s an investment but.....what I would give just to sit in a pub with a friend and thrash out the details that are constantly swirling in my head. I’m pretty pragmatic and I’m not sure I’m even confused. I just need to talk, be honest and embrace my feelings as opposed to hiding. I’ve spent years thinking that I was born to be single as it was a ‘happier option’ than being in a relationship with a man where I felt ‘pawed’ and feeling like I was constantly having my personal space invaded. I actually just thought I rocked being single. I can honestly say that I think I was admired by some of my friends for doing the single, independent life so well. At long last the penny dropped and I realise that I actually crave personal touch and intimacy, just not with a man.

    Keeping my feelings, thoughts and desires to myself 24hours a day, 7 days a week is exhausting. I’m not done yet and I will have another look online to see what is out there.

    Frankie x
     
    #53 Frankie46, Oct 3, 2020
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  14. chicodeoro

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    You can always do both! I have a network of female friends who I'm out to that I chat to on the phone or see for lunch or dinner. They have been incredible and have truly saved my sanity over the last six months.

    I guess I felt I needed some professional help as well. There are some really intimate things I felt I needed to talk about that would be a bit too much with friends. It's costing me £50 a session and I'm kind of seeing how it goes. At the moment things are so stressful with legal battles regarding my stepson that me and therapist have barely got onto gender issues.

    But I'd certainly recommend looking. You could always do a taster session and if it doesn't feel right just leave it.

    Beth
     
    #54 chicodeoro, Oct 4, 2020
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  15. Tartanskrt

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    See that's what's got me thinking about local LGBT groups. My town in kind of small but it's between a couple of cities and I think that has to be worth looking into but of course it'll probably be yet another zoom call with too many ppl on. Why did we have to figure this stuff out during COVID?! I do wonder if part of it is just the general lack of contact giving time to think and heightening desire.
    I've also started joining a few LGBT Facebook groups although I'm still too shy to post in them. It seems like everyone in them is out, well everyone who posts is anyway.
    The reality is though that any answer involves being braver and a leap of faith. I can feel myself getting closer though.
     
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  16. chicodeoro

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    I have wondered about this. Has there been a general increase in people having major life revelations during Covid? I know for myself it was bereavement + lots of time on my own + the unprecedented nature of events leading to a need to be truly honest with myself.

    I guess it was the realisation that this is only a short life; too short not to be the person I truly want to be.
     
    #56 chicodeoro, Oct 4, 2020
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  17. Frankie46

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    I’ve re read all of the above posts and I am going to seek professional help, I can’t live like this any longer. I felt pretty low all day yesterday with a constant feeling of anxiety which seemed to rise in big waves throughout the day. I called a friend (one of two that know I’m gay) and I couldn’t even speak. 3 hours later and I felt back on track, only to wake up again today with a feeling of dread. The cycles are getting shorter and the lows lower.
    Sod the money I’ve got to speak to somebody. The relief of talking to a friend so openly was massive. If a professional can provide the same relief and put me on the right track it will be worth every penny.

    Hope you all have a fab Monday. Frankie x
     
  18. Tartanskrt

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    Oh Frankie, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this but so glad you're facing it. I'm sending you a virtual hug, I'll even send it up the toll road to make sure it gets there quicker.
    This is some hard stuff to deal with, there's no two ways about it (especially when you're pretty sure you are just a lesbian) and the anxiety is hell.
    I can tell you're a good person, you always cheer me up on here. I just wish I could help more but I'm my own little basket case.
    Some other stuff in my life hit the fan last night and I got so angry. I don't normally get angry but I did. The thing is that although what happened made me mad, what made me even more mad was that I feel so weak because of this lie that I didn't feel like I had the strength to deal with it. So basically I just sat there and shook and sent a couple of slightly strong worded emails to the people who annoyed me whilst wanting to pull my own hair out. I just don't have it in me to be the strong one at the moment. And all I wanted was to have a woman I loved hold me, I wanted to trust someone enough to not have to be strong for them.
     
    #58 Tartanskrt, Oct 5, 2020
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  19. Tartanskrt

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    I just came out to a friend by text. It's showing as 'read'. At least I managed to get the words out but waiting for a response is no fun.
     
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  20. Frankie46

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    Hey Tartan, that’s amazing and took a serious amount of guts. When I say amazing I actually mean bloody awesome as I’m sure you felt pretty sick pressing send. Please let us know how your friend reacts. If she’s a keeper she will do all she can to help you with this.
    Bizarrely I’m in the same situation. I feel like I need a little network to help keep my sanity at the moment. So, in my aim to be proactive and to stop this making me ill (which it is starting to). I have a constant need to dash to the loo am on the verge of tears and chest pains. I’ve messaged a long term friend who lives about an hour and way and told her that I need help. This friend is the sort that would bring a spade, no questions asked if needed. My problem is I feel embarrassed even saying the words. We had a brief chat whilst I was at work and agreed to talk later .

    Update before I posted. - I did it!!!!

    Message back Tartan x

    Frankie x
     
    #60 Frankie46, Oct 5, 2020
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