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I need to come out but I can't find the words

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tartanskrt, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. Tartanskrt

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    No you can't have someone removed with a joint mortgage unless there is a legal reason for it so he would either have to go willingly or I'd have to move in with my parents, with the kids, for a while. He could get his own place but I can't see him being accepting and willing. I know no matter what happens it'll be a long and difficult process to separate and the first step of that is me kicking the puppy and telling him it's over.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Oh, I see. It’s joint owned.

    My situation was different to yours, but also an awkward process. My ex was emotionally abusive, so I couldn’t tell him I was planning on leaving and had to do everything without him knowing. It wasn’t pleasant and so many times I just didn’t want to go on anymore, but things are so much better on the other side. The sense of relief and freedom make it so worth it. I still have to communicate with my ex, as we have a daughter, but it’s so much easier and less stressful to do so from a distance.
     
  3. Frankie46

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    Hi. I’m glad you like chatting as I do too .
    Can you separate your feelings for this woman with the rest of your situation? Would the situation seem more achievable if she wasn’t around? Is it your desire to be with her that is making this problem all consuming, or is she just a catalyst to what will be eventually anyway?
    If there is no chance that the feelings will be wholly reciprocated please go easy. A bit of fun and flirting from one side can be heartbreaking for you if she doesn’t realise the true extent of your feelings towards her.
    There is no significant other or anybody on the horizon. Whilst I would love to meet someone, and am only attracted to women, the thought of a relationship equally excites me and terrifies me. I can swing from enlightened euphoria to self loathing in the space of an hour and can’t bring myself to call myself a lesbian. Shoot me now!!!
    I split with the ex 6 years ago after a few miserable years together. I didn’t want my kids to think that being miserable and not talking was the norm. I am quite outgoing and love to laugh and my ex is the complete opposite. At the time the logistics of splitting (kids were 2 and 5) seemed impossible. You do get there though, little by little. Eventually you will look back and be amazed at your progress. Hark at me sounding all together and not in the least screwed up.
    Keep going, I need to read more messages.

    Frankie x
     
  4. Tartanskrt

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    The best way I can describe it is I know two versions of her, the real her and the her who keeps me entertained at night. She is actually the more flirty one in real life but I can see it makes her feel bad. I know nothing should happen and accepting that has helped me enjoy it more often than I feel overwhelmed by it. That's a gradual and still evolving process for me but I'm getting there. I'm grateful to have met her because she had sparked me in a way that has allowed me to accept myself. So yeah maybe she is just a catalyst, a very enjoyable one.
    She is the one who let me accept my desire. I've never desired a man. I can like them but I've never wanted to pleasure a man not the way I want to know her body and her pleasures, it's intoxicating to me. Of course I'd love the fairy tale but I'm realistic and if my desire for her can push me on the way to someone I could actually be with then that is maybe just a part of the journey.
    I get that the thought of actually being with another woman is terrifying. I think for me it's because I'd actually have to embrace my desire to do it. The thought of actually being able to do the things with my body that my brain has been imagining for more than half my life now feels so very vulnerable and that is scary but it's also freedom.
    You are together in some parts of your life. My hubby and I have a similar dynamic I'm very social, involved in everything with a daft sense of humor and he's all miserable all the time, it's just draining, we are too different. I know what I have to do.
    Btw I think you might be a lesbian Frankie.
     
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  5. Frankie46

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    Tartan, I think you may be right .

    It is so bloody refreshing being honest. Thank you.

    Frankie x
     
  6. Frankie46

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    Hi Tartan. How did you get on with your sister? I’ve had everything crossed for you. Frankie x
     
  7. Tartanskrt

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    Honestly, it didn't. She had a bit of a go at me for not leaving my husband already and it just left me feeling a bit stupid and I didn't really feel like adding 'oh, btw, I'm gay' into the conversation was going to help. I psyched myself up on the drive over there but yeah I bailed.
    I was thinking about the last 30 years of my life and how I've been slaying so many demons and embracing myself. But this demon, no matter how many times I've stabbed her refuses to die. Probably because she never was a demon at all, she was just desire. I think what's happened now is that I've stopped stabbing her and she's now running free in my brain but she's still an adolescent in some ways because that's when she first raised her voice to tell me ' the reason you don't want to get a boyfriend is because you want to kiss Kirsty'. I stabbed her then to survive and I just kept right on doing it. But that's how I feel when I want to tell someone that I like women, I feel like an adolescent because those feelings have never really been given the space to grow properly. I refuse to stab her again though, no matter how much easier it would be. I'm 40 in a few months and I owe myself the honesty and I kind of love the spirit, she lights up my eyes when I feel like I can't keep going.
    So I'm not ready yet to let the spirit out of my head into the world but I will be, one day.
    Well that was rambling at it's best. Hope you have a good day.
     
  8. Frankie46

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    Hey, I hope you’re not feeling bad about it. I am pretty sure we have all decided that ‘today’s the today’ and then bottled it. I think I could honestly say this has happened on at least a dozen occasions (I may be underestimating ever so slightly).
    At least your sister agrees that you should leave your husband. There is obviously an issue visible to other people and not just you
    and your demons.
    I’m in bed feeling full of cold and ‘blah’. Think the walking has caught up with me.
    Keep chatting.

    Frankie x
     
  9. Tartanskrt

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    I've been feeling a little sad the last couple of days. Thinking about how I may never be with a woman and how that would be all my fault because I was too scared of myself to ever live a life that more fully embraces who I am. There are so many things about my life that I love and I think the biggest fear is losing some of those things in order to fulfill something that is utterly selfish. I think this is especially true because it's not like I'm running towards anything or anyone, this whole thing is just a hunch, a gut instinct that this feeling is why I feel the way I do. God, what if I pull all this stuff apart and never even find anyone,? What if I do and it turns out I was wrong (although I don't think I am)? It really is a hell of a gamble. I've gambled before in my life but never with so much at stake. Can I be this reckless? I hope so, we only get one life.
     
  10. Frankie46

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    Ditto that exactly. Today’s frame of mind (changes daily) is ‘how would I feel on my last day on earth if I’d not grabbed what I know I want’. Hmmm, pretty shit is what I’m guessing. Saying that I’m still walking (lots) and looking for a man that I could fancy. I’ve done a lot of walking and not found him yet.
    Apologies for the shit reply today, I may try harder later . Chin up, Tartan.
    Frankie xx
     
  11. Nic2552

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    Hi,i understand you . I know it will be hard to come out, some of us was outed, some of us just came out, honestly I’m not even sure why we have to come out when straight people don’t. My advice, yes we only get one life, so live it the way you want to, the way that would make you happy, you lived long enough as someone you wasn’t, live your truth, you don’t need to “ come out”, when you introduce the love of your life, that’s how they would find out. Like I wrote , straight people don’t come out. Be authentic, you lose some and gain some along the process.
     
  12. Tartanskrt

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    Do you think you could actually have sex with a guy though? Because I really don't think I could any more. It wasn't always bad in the past but I was only really able to get off if I imagined I was with a woman, which isn't really fair on anyone. My husband is actually a pretty good looking guy but he's also a guy, hence my issue. I think this is the crux of my issue, I can't actually imagine touching a guys body and feeling anything other than a bit sick. But that's just me, could it be good for you?
    I guess for me right now I just feel like the desire to scream it out loud is taking over. I'm sick of the lie and I feel like it's eating me up inside. Now I've fully admitted to myself how I feel, I feel dishonest and I'm normally someone who prides themselves on their integrity. This lie is making me feel like everything else in my life is fake to the point at which my whole life feels a bit surreal which worries me because I actually love most of my life. So yeah I'm a bit of a mess today and grateful I don't have much on tbh.
     
  13. Tartanskrt

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    I understand what you are saying but how would you even meet the love of your life if you aren't honest about the fact that this person would have to be a woman. Also the fact I'm married makes that harder. I know I need to leave him before I'm allowed to explore any of this but I'm scared rigid of what he will do to himself if I do. So I just spend my time imagining the love life I want and hoping at some point I'll just blurt it out to him but that's becoming more and more difficult and I can't help but feel that if I just told someone, anyone it might take away some of the feelings of guilt I feel about not living authentically.
     
  14. LostInDaydreams

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    It feels selfish and reckless (and I felt the same), but it’s not in reality.

    You’re thinking this through. You’re actually giving it a lot of thought, so nothing is spur of the moment about this. The process of leaving somebody takes months, so nothing will change over night. You don’t need to to rush, think through and research your options. I joined EC in 2016 and left my partner (now ex) in 2019. Some people get there quicker, some people get there slower, but it’s not reckless. As the forum demonstrates, people put a lot of thought and consideration into making this decision, as you are doing.

    It does feel high risk because you’re giving up what you know for something that is unknown. I lost things when I left my ex - financial security, some friends because we moved away, my daughter goes to a different school, etc. - but it was still the right decision and I wish that I had done it sooner. I was so miserable when I was with my ex and I am so much happier being single, with the freedom to live authentically.

    I know that leaving feels like the hard option, but staying is really hard too and it gets harder as time goes on. Eventually I just didn’t want to be anymore. It can create resentment and a negative home environment too, which impacts everyone. It’s very hard to keep living a pretence and even harder to always appear to be happy about it. It’s draining and it’s suffocating, your mental health can suffer and you might become short tempered. I also really struggled at work because I was so mentally drained by the rest of my life. It’s not selfish. We’re all better off now that my ex and I have separated. It would also give both of you the opportunity to find people that you’re more compatible with.
     
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  15. Tartanskrt

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    Thank you for such a detailed response. I know exactly what you're saying and I think you're amazing to have got out the other side of a similar situation, it gives me hope.
    I think guilt is kind of normal but I don't think it means I can't act, I just need to accept more until I'm ready to take action. I was actually thinking about what a very lovely friend of mine said about deciding things for a short period of time to reduce stress. So deciding say that for the next month I will continue to avoid too much physical contact with my husband and limit contact with the woman I have a huge crush on (logistically I can't avoid her completely) and continue to learn about and explore my sexuality and then I'll review that in a month. Like working all this out is my project, and I'm a pretty good project manager except covid makes it all more complicated but I think it's worth thinking about as an approach to minimise the crazy.
     
    #35 Tartanskrt, Sep 21, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
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  16. LostInDaydreams

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    That’s a really good way of looking at the situation. When we look too far ahead or try to do too much at once, things can becomes overwhelming. Small steps or breaking it down are good approaches. I hope it helps to reduce the stress.
     
  17. Nic2552

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    Have you thought about getting a lgbtq counseling to help you ?if not I definitely suggest it.
     
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  18. Tartanskrt

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    I've been thinking a lot this last week about how I need to try and get over the woman who haunts my most special dreams. No matter how much I want her she just sees me as a bit of an irrelevance. I think she likes me a little but she's
    A. Married to a man
    B. Way out my league
    C. Has pointed out several times that she needs to distance herself from me to respect her boundaries
    So why can't I get the memo? Well because:
    A. She seems to enjoy flirting with me
    B. I'm a bit of a masochistic
    C. Nothing gets me quite as high as when she gives me one of her filthy little winks and bites her lip.
    But this whole thing is of course completely unhealthy. She is never going to reach up, run her fingers through my hair and tell me she's sick of fighting this because she's not fighting anything apart from whatever boundaries she is very non-specific about and whatever urge she has to tease me.
    For logistical reasons I have to see her but I do need to stop the flirting. I just wish I could find someone else I could be this crazy for who actually likes me back properly as opposed to toying with me for her amusement.
    Why does the right thing to do in this situation just feel so wrong?
     
  19. LostInDaydreams

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    Giving everything that you’ve said above, I think moving on is a good idea. I appreciate that won’t be easy with having too see her, so I’m sorry that you’re in this position.

    The other thing is leaving a relationship/marriage, puts a lot of pressure on the new relationship. You might both feel that you have to make it work in order to justify leaving your marriages. If you do leave, it’s better to leave for yourself because it’s the right decision for you and be secure in that decision whether you are in a relationship or single.
     
    #39 LostInDaydreams, Sep 25, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2020
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  20. Frankie46

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    Hi Tartan, just checking in as I’ve not seen a post for a little while. Hope you are working through your thoughts and have a little more clarity and direction.
    No change at this end but I am not sure what I am expecting if I’ve not put any effort in. I really feel like I need to speak to somebody but have failed on seeking out any professional help. I scanned the online counselor pages but felt they were all a bit generalized. I don’t want to spill my guts to somebody that is a jack of all issues and master of non. I know I am gay (progress) but need to address ‘the fear’ and shame. Round and round i go again...... exhilaration at the possibilities and then crippling sadness. Jesus, I bore myself.


    Keep in touch.

    Frankie x
     
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