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I need to come out but I can't find the words

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Tartanskrt, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. Tartanskrt

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    I'm 39 and married with 2 lovely kids who are 4 and 7. I do not love my husband any more, I'm not sure I ever did, and now I don't even like him. He has mental and physical health problems which makes leaving him very difficult and I feel utterly trapped. I've known I had feelings for women since I was about 13 but for various reasons I felt I had to bury them to survive, so I did, and in almost all parts of my life I thrived. Until she walked in and my heart jumped out my throat. This was 2 years ago now but I can still feel it. There is just something between us, I've never felt chemistry like it. I know she feels something too but I also know nothing will ever happen with her. We flirt with each other but every time she does it I sense her shame. She is not someone I can be with but my God do I want her. I'm almost a bit obsessed, but my thoughts of her just feel so good.
    The thing is I feel like I can't live with the lie any more. I've tried to tell a couple of people but the words just get stuck in my throat. How do you say the words? I know I need to move on with my life but I just cannot get the words out but I feel like they're screaming in my head. How have you found the words, to tell anybody, do you have any advice?
     
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  2. Kmermaid00

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    Hello, I can relate to what you are going through in my own way. I have been divorced from a man for one year. I have two kids as well that are 12 and 8. I struggled with my sexuality while being married for 7 years in a 13 year marriage. My story is very complicated but my answer to your question of how do you say the words is to find someone you can trust. For me I had to be with people I felt supported by. I felt safe enough to say my true feelings but it also took me about 4 years before I could start to talk about it.My family knew but I could not talk to them about it and stayed mostly in the closet for 4 years. I found a support group and ended up meeting people in my community that supported me. First I just told one person and then started the support group and met a few people I could talk to about it. I am not religious at all but I met a pastor from an affirming church who is a really good person. I knew I could trust him because he was so accepting and he was one of the first people I told how much I was struggling with my sexuality. Through him I met someone who was going through something similar and I now consider her a very good friend. I was able to connect and build that trust. I do believe I feel understood and cared for. It was hard saying the words but just being able to say I am struggling to people I trusted eventually led to me coming out. In the process of coming out I got divorced and finally was able to pick a label I was comfortable with. Some people already knew I was some gay but two months after the divorce is when I finally officially came out with a label as pansexual. I also went through counseling for PTSD but we also addressed my coming out and living life happily. That helped a lot because I had always been judged by my family for being gay. So finding someone I could trust is what worked for me. I slowly built up to telling others after that. I have been out as pansexual for almost one year in October. I hope you can find someone you can trust and be able to say whats on your mind and in your heart.
     
  3. GayJeffrey

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    I'm in a similar situation, much older though.I didn't get married till my late 30's, trying to marry my gay away. It didn't work and I started regretting it in my mid 40's. I finally came out to a gay friend of mine that really helped me mentally! She was pretty surprised but really understanding and has been supportive throughout. Still married here and taking it gay by day. Good luck !
     
  4. quebec

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    Tartanskrt.....Hello and just in case no one has said it...Welcome to Empty Closets! I can understand how hard it is to get those words out. The first guy I came out to was a good friend and I knew he would be ok with it, but it still took my almost an hour of tears and panic to finally say "I am gay". The second person I told was my therapist. I knew that he would be accepting...he was gay and as a therapist I knew that he couldn't tell anybody else unless he had my permission. It still took a long time and just as much panic as the first time. What I didn't think of at the time was the possibility of using a letter or an email. It would have made my life much easier, and in my situation, would have been accepted just as well as in person. Do you think that a letter or an email would work for you? There are some excellent sample coming out letters here on Empty Closets that you could use...that you could adapt to your situation. One of the big advantages of a letter/email is that you avoid the potential bad reaction that can happen in a face-to-face conversation. The letter gives the person that you are coming out to some time to process what you've told them without the pressure of having to react to the revelation in real time.

    If you'd like to check out the letters, here is where they are located:

    OMING OUT LETTERS: Go to the Empty Closets Login page, but do not login. At the top, you will see some links. Click on "Resources". That will bring up a page with a box on the upper left. In that box, you will see a link to "Coming out Letters". Click that and you are there! I wish you much good luck...you can and will make it!

    Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Tartanskrt,

    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I have been in a similar situation myself and it was a horrible experience. I felt utterly miserable and suffocated. It’s incredibly hard to keep living a pretence every day. It won’t be easy, but it is possible to leave this kind of situation and move towards the life you want. Just take baby steps.

    As to telling people...have you considered therapy? At first, it might be easier to talk about what you’re feeling in a safe space and a therapist could also support you through the process of leaving your husband. Also, some people find it helpful to practice saying the words to themselves in a mirror before they try to come out to other people.

    Take care. :slight_smile:
     
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  6. Frankie46

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    Hi @Tartanskrt. I completely understand your predicament. I am finding that as each week passes I’m getting more and more frustrated with my secret life (it’s 11.30om, the dog is begging not to walk anymore and I’m sat in the bath...thinking). After a shitty week I messaged a friend earlier and said I could do with an hours chat over the weekend if you’re free, to which she replied...yes. I’ve spent the whole day trying to articulate my feelings in my head, being tearful and then deciding that I’ll just keep going as I am as it’s the easier option. My thoughts are all consuming and I wish I could just switch off. I struggle to say ‘I am gay’ and feel rather ashamed that I can’t do this simple thing.
    I’m feel as if I’m going to the person who is forever looking through a window into the cosy life of others whilst I’m stuck outside drowning in my thoughts. I am sorry that my message is not offering you advice, but I do hope that you realise you’re not the only one struggling and you do have the support of nice people in this group.
    Oh, by the way....I am gay . Nope, the world is still turning.
    Good luck. Frankie x
     
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  7. Vesta

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    Instead of trying to find the words, have you ever thought of just writing things down for yourself so you can formulate what you 'would' tell others as a way of starting yourself off? Alternatively, you could write a letter to some friends whom you know would take the news well, and would be understanding. Perhaps they would be able to shed some light on how to deal with your current situation as well should you go forward with writing to them.
     
  8. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks for your reply. It's always helpful to hear other people's stories. I'm lucky really as I have some really good friends I feel I can trust, I think it's more me that will freak out than them tbh.
     
  9. Tartanskrt

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    That's great that you came out to a friend. I think it would be easier to come out to a LGBT friend but I also think it would be easier to come out to a close friend and although I have LGBT acquaintances my closest friends are all straight.
     
  10. Tartanskrt

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    Thank you for sharing your story and for the warm welcome. I have tried writing it down. It somehow feels too impersonal to me. I was on the way to a friend a couple of weeks ago and had my phone or to text her the words but bottled or at the last minute at just said I'd be round soon. I feel of everyone this friend would be the best person to tell. She's an older lady but very open minded. I have no doubt she would be accepting. I think it's me that's the block. I do need to look into therapy though, I think you're right
     
  11. Tartanskrt

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    Than you for your reply. I do feel suffocated you're right, not helped any by covid and the dependent nature of my husband. The house feels like a prison sometimes tbh.
    Yes, therapy sounds like a good idea although goodness knows how I'd get there privacy for it as it's all online now. Hubby rarely leaves me alone for now than a few minutes.
     
  12. Tartanskrt

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    And you did tell your friend. Yay. That's all I want to say 'i'm gay', nothing complicated or earth shattering really but oh dear god is it hard to say and oh how it's hard to get into a conversation. About twice a year some random person will ask if I am though. I obviously give off some sort of vibe. Of course since November when I became sure of my feelings noone has. I like to think if it happens again I could at least day 'yes'
     
  13. Unsure77

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    Would it be possible for you to either do therapy in your car or go for a walk to do your therapy and just do it over your phone? You may not necessarily have to keep the therapy a secret (and probably shouldn't since you have to pay for it). Just don't be specific about what the therapy is for. There are plenty of people who are struggling with depression and anxiety right now just from covid. Heck, I'm in therapy now for my LGBT issues, but it got halfway commandeered for awhile with covid between the far of getting sick and the economic uncertainty and the isolation.

    I also second saying it to yourself in a mirror. It's harder than you would think and it was a huge first step for me personally. Again, doing that in your car may be your best bet if you are ever able to swing alone time in the car.
     
    #13 Unsure77, Sep 14, 2020
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  14. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks for your reply. I can actually say it to myself in the mirror no problem at all now. I used to struggle but I'm mainly self accepting inside now. It's hard to get privacy my husband is very clingy and never leaves the house, he's also very paranoid and jealous but about all the wrong things. I need to be honest with him really but he had no friends and no family support so I'm very worried about him. I don't know if he'd actually respect my privacy of I told him I was having therapy tbh but I think it would be worth exploring.
     
  15. Tartanskrt

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    Having a tough time today. Just feel like I can't hold this in much longer at all. I can't help but sometimes think that I don't deserve any of the good things in my life because of this lie in the middle of it, like it somehow outweighs all the things I love and have built. I'm trying to be the strong person that people expect me to be but it's like the pressure of it is just getting to me. I had someone tell me that I impressed than and they looked up to me again today. I know it's a compliment but I feel like screaming out 'but I'm a liar'. Is that what my turning point is the shame of the lie feels greater than the destruction admitting to it will undeniably bring? Sorry rambling on a bit, just annoyed at myself.
     
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  16. Frankie46

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    Hey Tartan.
    Sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Do you find that the process of thinking comes in cycles? I seem to manage quite well for a while with background thoughts that seem to get louder and more overpowering as the weeks go on. When I am literally about to go mad they seem to subside and the process starts again. Depending on where I am in the cycle seems to determine my mood. Some days I can feel quite euphoric and want to shout it from the roof tops and other days I wallow in a sadness of loss of time. As the months/years go on i am finding that the lows are becoming lower and longer and the highs much shorter.
    I am not wanting to hijack your post but wondered if this was the same for you? If it is is there anything that helps?
    I do feel there is some truth about having a turning point when living a lie becomes unbearable. Remember you are not alone. There is a screwed up, closet living woman just up the M6 if it makes you feel any better.

    Frankie x
     
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  17. Tartanskrt

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    Yeah it definitely changes how I feel about it all. When i have the time to and let myself indulge in my fantasies about what being with a woman would be like I feel so alive and happy and full of joy.
    Other times I'm just overwhelmed by the enormity of what I have to do to have the kind of relationship I want and guilt over the woman I struggle to get out my head. She's the first woman I've ever let myself truly explore my feelings for. While I've had crushes before she just bowled me over. But she's just wonderful and I can't help but feel guilty about the non pg nature of my feelings for her. She does flirt with me a bit which makes it all worse. Back in November she told me that we needed to not spend as much time together as it wouldnt do either of us any good and she didn't want to break her boundaries. It knocked my sideways because she was admitting it wasn't just in my head whilst pushing me back but having to see her again now kills me but neither of us have been that good at keeping apart. It will never happen though, she really does love her husband so I need to accept it. Was there anyone who helped you come to your realisation?
    Feel free to hijack me all you like. I like talking to you. Its nice to think I'm not the only one with these kind of feelings even if you are at the other end of the country.
     
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  18. LostInDaydreams

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    For me, it did come and go in cycles. I have heard other people describe it that way too, so it might not be all that uncommon. For a long time the fear of the unknown outweighed the misery of staying where I was, but eventually the balance tipped the other way.

    It is scary, but having some sense of what you are going to do next will help you to feel more in control. Break it down into smaller steps. If you think about it as one big change, it will seem impossible and overwhelming. So, plan what you’re going to say when you come out. Think about what you want to happen with your current relationship. Do you want to find a way to stay? Do you want to go your separate ways? If so, you can start researching all practical stuff, like housing, etc. Try to turn all the scary unknowns into knows. It won’t be easy, but it’s entirely possible.
     
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  19. Tartanskrt

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    Thanks. I don't want to stay. I wouldn't even if I was straight. My husband is dependent on me and an incredibly negative person. He chooses misery over and over again and then tries to get me to join him. It's a very unhealthy relationship, for me to stay healthy I need to leave. I'm pretty familiar with my options re housing etc (former housing officer). My major concern is that I doubt he will accept it or be willing to leave the house. (he's only left the house 3 times in the last 6 months).
    I think my next step had to be come out to someone and then to try and find a way to start therapy. I need to build myself up to get the courage to leave. It does feel like kicking a puppy, he tries so hard to make me feel sorry for him every day and I guess on some level it works.
     
  20. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s not ideal, but if you have a right to the house, then I assume you could have him removed? Is he able to rent/buy his own place?

    Therapy can be really beneficial. I hope you can get something set up soon. :slight_smile: