I need some input, trying to make a major decision.

I don't think that any of us can tell you what to do, but honestly I think that if you have the resources you should really consider moving far away. Heck, if you don't have them, you probably should still consider it. As it stands now, it sounds like a toxic environment that will never get better. You don't have to stick with the family you have just because you share a history and some genetics. You can choose your own family.

 

Oh Tiny Werewolf I'm so sorry! I wish I could reach out and give you the biggest hug. You must be hurting so much right now.

You need to leave. Of course, you need to leave. But you also need a plan. Being homeless and trans is worse even than being trans and living under the roof of your family.

Think - do you have any friends you are out to that you can stay with, even if just for a while?

Do you have any relations you're out to who could put you up temporarily?

Is there an LGTBQ+ centre in your nearest big town?

Do you know the number of the Samaritans? (Or I think they might be called Befrienders in the US..) In my darkest moments, after my partner died and I was first coming to terms with being trans in 2020, I phoned them several times and just sobbed and sobbed. They don't advise, they just listen. Just knowing that a kind stranger was listening to my words and was sympathising with me helped me. I can't recommend them enough. If you are feeling like you're on the edge and it's just all too much PLEASE Google their number and phone them.

I so wish I could do more other than offer you my support and encouragement. Having your heart broken is horrible at any time. It's even worse given the situation you're in. BUT you can and will get through this. You're an intelligent articulate man and you will survive.

Please take care, Tiny Werewolf. Sending out love and strength to you tonight, my brother.

Big hugs, Beth x

 

If you love them and still want them in your life, that's great. But, the love and care that they have shown you does not mean that you are indebted to them or they are entitled to mistreatment. Keeping them in your life with proper boundaries sounds like it might be the right approach. You may be able to establish some of those boundaries by developing self-sufficiency.

 

A bunch of great advice here. Just wanted to add that if you go no contact now for your own sanity, there’s nothing stopping you from reaching out down the line when you’re in a better place mentally and otherwise. Or not. If making decisions that benefit only you angers them in any way, they don’t deserve the privilege of being in your life.

It was their duty to take care of you growing up. Not some favour they bestowed on you. They don’t get extra credit for doing what parents are morally supposed to do. And now you’re an adult. Even without any of what you are dealing with, adult children live their own lives. They shouldn’t be surprised you want to, too. If they are, they’re delusional.

It’s a lot but if you break it down into component parts - living arrangements, financial considerations, mental health support, etc and then look up any and all resources you can take advantage of (because if they’re not there for you, who are they there for?) and make a plan, you’ll be in your way before you know it.

Number one should probably be to contact one of the support/crisis lines mentioned above because their help will get you in the right path. If you prefer text support, in the US it’s 741741.

 

Hello @TinyWerewolf

I just read your post and just want you to know that I’m sending you a huge hug and to tell you that I am so sorry you are in this dreadful situation.

I am born female but identify as non binary, transmasculine and I came out when I was older. It was bad enough for me but at least I had full support from my family.

I can not even begin to imagine what it must be like for you there. It’s quite toxic for you and I would think if you could get away say to stay with a friend or even if you could find a place (assuming your finances would allow you to do so) then that would be better for you. You could then only hope that your family (or at least some family members) would support and be there for you.

You have all of us here who understand.

YOU are important and loved and I hope you realise this. Please take care of yourself. You can message me any time if you need a listening ear. (Once I’ve become a full member and I’m allowed to receive messages that is).

 

Dearest Brother,

First, I like-bombed everyone, but I endlessly applaud you for being so open and so honest about how very much you're hurting inside and for seeking guidance in earnest. I'm glad to see you are getting a plurality of opinions and support, and I certainly hope you receive more!

We've spoken privately about my opinion on what you should do, but I will say it again: please find a way out. If it means couch-surfing, I'd still do it. I slept on a couch for three years - no kidding - but it was better than nowhere at the time. Any place is a starting point, just make plans to move on quickly.

Don't be careless, though. Make sure you're going somewhere safe and secure, that's conducive to healing and growing your life. Moving from one toxic environment to another is not really an improvement, though you're bright, and I know you'll consider this along the way.

As for your family, I understand your commitment to them, and your attachment. I understand the people they once were and I also understand the people they are now. The two are not the same.

Some day, perhaps years from now, they'll accept you, and love you, and fight for you. Many of the strongest straight/cis allies we have out there right now came from that conservative media bubble.

Those are not your parents right now, though. And if you should feel indebted to them for advocating for and making sure your needs were met when you were a child, I sincerely ask you - what child deserves less?

I wish I had more to say, but I've already said so much, I don't want to drown you in my voice and I don't know if all of this came out right anyway, so I hope at least I've given you something to consider, and perhaps even some strength and certainty in your choice, whatever it may be.

Regardless, I will be here, and I will be your sister, and I will adore your sweet heart... but watching you go down in flames really sucks, kiddo. I think the writing's on the wall; it's time to go.

I really hate to say this, for so many reasons, yet I truly believe it's the only way you'll be free to heal.

Be safe, be careful, and be strong, but get away from them, please.

Your Loving Sister,
-Lydia

PS - I don't know how you keep making me prouder of you, darling. I'm humbled to know you.

PPS - I don't know if you'll be conscious for the entire hug I'm going to give you if I ever get the chance.

 

This is good, but when you're drowning you need to shout 'HELP!' Do they know how you're feeling right now?

This is so true. It can be the hardest thing to accept that your parents - the people who gave us life and that we are 'supposed' to feel closest to in the world - are an impediment to us becoming the people we want, we need to be. It's hard for them too. But in being so controlling and dismissive of your feelings, they are not loving you. To become an adult you need to distance yourself from them. Lydia is right - in time they will (hopefully) accept you. But before then you will have to go through the pain of separation to become the man you are.

You're not stupid. How do I know you're smart? Because you write so well. You have an amazing future ahead of you. You just have to get through this hairpin bend first. But you can do it. And all of us here on EC are rooting for you.

Finally, if ever it's getting too much and you need to just vent, do PM me. Almost by definition, being trans means going through mental anguish of some description but this is a community and we support each other.

Big big hugs, Beth x

 

Rides from co-workers, for a while, could be a start. If someone can find a place that isn't far from where you work, I'm sure your boss or someone with the same schedule could pick you up, especially since they're sympathetic to your position.

Or if a place is close enough, walk. I do. I don't have a car, either. I'm working on it, trying to get it in order. They're cheap and easy to find on places like Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace. Maybe try those.

Also, don't you have a possible arrangement with a friend? Couldn't they help you arrange transportation?

Of course, there are always services like Lyft and Uber; they're not free, but on days when you have nothing else, that can get you from A to B.

There are options is my point, although - as an American, myself - I understand how difficult it can be to do anything without a vehicle. We take them for granted but everything is designed for and around them.

I hope you can get one of your own soon. Until then, secure an alternative as soon as you possibly can. None of this can wait. Since you confessed this is a cry for help, heed us, please, darling; you are literally in danger.

I don't know how to help you with self-hatred on that extreme of a level. You know I don't hate you, you know I think your heart is beautiful and your mind is strong, and you know I'm certainly not the only one who feels this way, but I know that hearing things like don't always change how we feel.

Sometimes feelings can't be spoken away. Sometimes we need professional guidance. And there's no way you can get that in your current environment. And since ignoring it nearly killed you...

I hate to say this, but there's no pain-free transition out of their grasp on your life. You have to break it.

No matter what, I remain, as always, your loving friend and sister, Jack. Please, don't give up. Hang in there.

And stay safe! Be extra careful when driving and more than ever take care of yourself! Nutritious food, decent sleep, regular bathing, plenty of water!

NO EXCUSES, or I'm going to be so angry with you!

I'd probably hug you anyway. (But angrily...)