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i need some help

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by W1LL, Sep 26, 2020.

  1. W1LL

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    Hey!

    So, to try and keep this as simple as I can, I recently realised I was trans, however my mother is transphobic, I've started making a few plans to leave (as I'm still living with her) and moving in with my boyfriend (keep in mind he's 17, so he is also still living with his mother, she's accepting though) BUT he lives in a totally different country (he's in America, I'm in England)

    I won't obviously travel while the pandemic is still happening, (though I HOPE to travel next year), this also means I plan on immigrating to America..

    I would like some suggestions on what I can do, the prices I can expect roughly (for plane tickets and whatnot) and anything else that's important to know, I have done research into this, but I also wanted to ask for peoples advice!

    Thank you!!
     
  2. HM03

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    There are a ton of things (like tipping culture and how sales taxes is included in the price) that differ between countries, but I'm sure you have or can google all that.

    I think the biggest thing you need to look at is your relationship, living with your bf, and the legalities of it.

    How do you legally plan on staying in the US - work visa? studying abroad? You need to look into the paperwork and legalities of it.

    You need to think of things that aren't nice to think about - what happens if you break up? (Considering you will be dependent on him/his mom). How okay with the idea is his mom? Will his mom expect you to pay rent or for food/other things you need? If not, how will you get the money or it? Your relationship with your mom isn't good, but if you have friends/family that you will miss that'd make homesickness even worse. If you're going to be working - what if the job market is still depressed from covid and you can't find a decent job?

    My intent isn't to be pessimistic, but moving out in general for the first time (or any time really) can be really stressful and overwhelming. This will be magnified as you are moving to a foreign country on a different continent!
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    The cost of your plane tickets, at least until the virus would only be a minor part. Immigrating to the USA is not easy and the current administration is working to make it even harder. You would need to find a way to legally do it, it would probably be best to get an immigration attorney if you really want to do it. This will be more expensive than the trip and is not a guarantee that you would get to stay.

    I do not recommend changing countries to be with someone who you have only been in a long distance relationship with. I tried it and it has not worked out well.

    Moving to the USA as an LGBT person is simply foolish in my mind. I started out there and I don't want to return.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    What you are contemplating here is a very big change and you are both young, as @HM03 says, you need to plan what you would do if things go wrong, how you will financially support yourself, etc.

    For a lot of people moving out of their parent’s home takes some adjustment, regardless of how much they want it, and having increased bills and outgoing can come as a bit of a shock. Could you move out, but stay within the UK initially? This would give you time to find your feet in a safer way and you could also possibly save up to visit your boyfriend (coronavirus restrictions allowing), which would give you a better understanding of what and where you’re planning on moving out to.

    What are your planned next steps with regards your education and career moves?
     
  5. W1LL

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    I have thought about all the negatives, of course, it's still simply an idea at the moment and we haven't made any proper plans yet, his mom seems alright with it, she said she wanted to talk about it in person so some details such as if I pay for food/rent haven't been talked about yet and wont be until I meet her in person, and job wise, I'm currently not really looking for a job as I want to focus on college, but regardless, my mother is pushing me to get one, even if the job market is depressed (what it sort of was in my area even before the pandemic happened) I will still have to get one

    And I understand you aren't trying to be pessimistic, thank you for bringing it up!
     
  6. W1LL

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    It's a possibility, I recently told my dad about some of my abuse that's happened from my mother and he's trying to get me out of there, however, since my mother has bad blood with him (she.. Basically hates him and that's putting it nicely) I'm TERRIFIED to move in with him, I'm really scared of what my mother might say and do to me if she finds out, she already insulted me and said I was abandoning her when I jokingly talked about moving out (because of my age.. She basically drilled into my head you move out when you're 18 when I was little).. I'm really just really scared lmao

    Oh god this came out more depressing than I meant, to make it clear, she won't physically hurt me
     
  7. W1LL

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    I have looked into immigration a little bit! I did know it would be hard, even before looking into it..

    And I do understand that.. It's not the best idea, of course, my boyfriend and his mother have said before anything happens (in terms of me moving in) that they want to meet me in person what makes sense (I have spoken to his mother a little bit before, and I call my boyfriend a LOT so they both know my voice and whatnot lol)

    However, I do know moving to America as a LGBT person isn't the best idea, but at the same time, it's not like I have much choice in getting to be somewhere safe, I'm safer there than where I am currently, sadly.. I honestly hate being in this situation
     
  8. QuietPeace

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    This is something that you should really think about. It sounds as if you are grasping at anything to get out of your moms house. You do not have to travel halfway around the world to do that.

    You should seriously consider LostInDaydreams suggestion about moving out on your own first. Really I believe that everyone should live on their own before they live with someone in a relationship. Even if you wait a year, you will be 18 and that is very young to be upending your life for a relationship.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. It must be very hard.

    How would you feel about giving Childline a call and getting their input on your situation? They might be able to help you find a way to move out or at least point you in the right direction.

    Here’s the link: https://www.childline.org.uk/
     
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  10. W1LL

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    Ah thanks! I completely forgot about childline!
     
  11. W1LL

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    Yeah, I guess you're right.. It's just getting harder and harder to deal with the abuse, though I am 18, regardless.. You're right, it is very young no matter what
     
  12. LostInDaydreams

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    You’re welcome. I think they also have a chat function, if you’re concerned about making a phone call.
     
  13. QuietPeace

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    I missed that earlier post. I have been in numerous abusive relationships (including with my parents). I would rather take a beating any day over the emotional/mental abuse that I have undergone. Abuse is abuse. If you can call the agency that you have been shown then do so. You need to get out and if your father is a safer place than your mother you need to go there. Even if it upsets your abusive mother, maybe especially because it will upset your abuser it is the right thing to do.
     
  14. W1LL

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    Sorry for the late reply, I spoke to one of the councillors on there, but they weren't much help unfortunately.. They just suggested coming out to my mother, but there's no way in hell I'm doing that lmao

    That being said, I have told my dad about some of the abuse that happened, we agreed we would talk about it more in person when I eventually see each other, he's also planning on getting me to stay with him once the college year has ended for me, I can't remember if I already said that
     
  15. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m sorry to hear that. Did you tell them about the abuse, with clear examples? It can be hard, but based on my experiences of support services, this is not something that you can be vague about. If you’re not clear, or even remotely play it down or imply that there might be another issue (such as being in the closet), then the abuse does sometimes get overlooked. It’s not good, but it does happen.
     
    #15 LostInDaydreams, Oct 3, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2020
  16. W1LL

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    Sorry for the slow reply again, I think I must of downplayed it a bit, but I will try my best and try to talk to someone again, thank you for the help!
     
  17. Ram90

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    Does your father stay in the same city/area as you and your mother? Despite the bad blood, maybe staying with your father and even getting legal help if necessary to protect you against your transphobic mother (Perhaps your father can help you with that, if it comes to it) could help in the short run, while you figure out what to do?

    Even if moving to USA to stay with your boyfriend and his mother works out, it might take a while for all the arrangements and paperwork to happen, so you need a safe place to stay to figure all of that out.
     
  18. W1LL

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    No, my dad is in Ireland while I'm in England.. Regardless of the fact my mother is transphobic, I have sort of opened up about my mum's abuse to my dad and he said he will work on getting me out of there as soon as he can, so that's reassuring at the very least
     
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