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I need some advice.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rayland, Jun 13, 2022.

  1. Rayland

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    I need some advice on how to make my very good friend who I'm out to as transgender understand, that misgendering hurts me? She keeps calling me girly and girl and at this point it feels, like she does it on purpose. I did call her out on it once and she was sorry, but it keeps happening.
     
  2. Bludzee

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    Well, you could explain to her again how deep it hurts you to be misgender. If she keeps doing it, maybe you could start misgender her to make her understand how it can feel.
     
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  3. Rayland

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    Thank you, this is a good idea and I might do that, if other methods don't work. I just have a hard time communicating it all to her. I fear misgendering her may give the opposite effect of where I'm trying to get. I would be okay, even with just they/them what are only pronouns used in my country or you. I feel like she may think that calling me girl or girly would change my mind on the whole idea of transitioning. I have told her about wanting to do it. Finding all the right words and opening up about it all on how it hurts is really hard for me. I'm not used to it. I tend to keep all these feelings inside and suffer silently. I also get anxious about her reactions.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    I can understand about you worrying about her reactions but ultimately how you feel in the friendship is also really important. If you find it difficult to say the things, perhaps you could write it in a note and give it to her.
     
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  5. Rayland

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    Even in writing it's difficult, when I first came out to her I sent her this email explaining everything and she really hasn't asked any questions about it all or tried to understand. It's just me bringing up the topic once in a while, when it looks like she forgot about it all. She thought my email was a computer virus at first. But you're right. I need to express my feelings about it all. I will try again.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    It might be her just being insensitive but it might also be her not bringing things up because she doesnt know whether you want to talk about it or not.
     
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  7. Rayland

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    It might be. I will try and talk to her.
     
  8. Rayland

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    I made a presentation about it all and sent it to her and mentioned that I will be happy to talk about it all, so hopefully it will work out.
     
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  9. silverhalo

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    I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Ultimately you can only do so much, you can be the best friend you can to her and you can give her every opportunity to be a good friend to you but you cannot force it. I wish you all the luck.
     
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  10. Rayland

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    Thank you. I asked her to read it through, but she said she has more pressing concerns at the moment to deal with, so she reads it, when those are dealt with. Honestly that made me sad, since it barely would have taken even 2 minutes to read it. I didn't say she has to read it right away either, but when she has time. I have helped her lots and taken time to help her out with things from my own free time, at least she could take a few minutes to read it. I'm currently mad at her and giving her a time out, since I want her to reflect on it. Maybe not the best way to deal with it and quite childish, but I don't know what else to do. Obviously I can't force these things and I know she has a lot of worries of her own. I also need to collect my thoughts. It was just easier for me to do the presentation, than actually write it all out in our chat, but maybe that would have made her read it, but also she could've ignore that too. We don't get together that often and mainly chat in messenger, so it's also easier to tell in chat than directly face to face.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    I dont necessarily think taking time out is childish, sometimes taking some time away from someone, especially when you are mad with them is a good thing. It can give you space and time to calm down and decide how you feel about everything.
     
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  12. resu

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    I think it's reasonable to spend less time with people who don't respect something is important to you, especially your gender. Also, I know it's hard, but you might talk in person rather than over chat so your friend really sees how you feel. Talking in person will also help her from getting distracted.
     
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  13. BeeVee

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    I am currently in the same boat as you, but with family. I know how hard this must be for you, and I am terribly sorry you have to deal with this. Sometimes talking to them about it won't make them change their ways. They just don't wish to understand the concept of being transgender/nonbinary/etc. It seems like your friend, I'm sorry to say this, doesn't really care. If they honestly can't take the time to talk this through with you or even try to understand and do their own research, then I think it would be best to not talk to them for a while. I know it may hurt because you guys are friends, but taking time away from friends is a good thing. But, if you feel like communicating with her is difficult, then I..don't think she is a very good friend. I know that is hard to read, but sometimes friends leave your life to make room for more understanding and better friends. If she is making you feel uncomfortable and everything, then maybe it is time to part ways? I know if I had a friend like that, I would quit talking to them because it just brings my mood down and puts negativity into my life. Keep us updated, yeah? Again, I am sorry you have to deal with this sort of thing.
     
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  14. Rayland

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    Thank you! Yes, this probably needs to happen at some point. I just know I'm going to start crying, but this would be the best and if nothing changes, then I guess I need to cut her off from my life, what will be really difficult for me. We've been friends for a long time.
     
  15. Rayland

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    Thank you! The family thing and with relatives is still ahead of me too. This is something I'm afraid the most. I seem to get the impression, that she don't care too, what is really hard. I am good at cutting people off from my life, so this wouldn't be anything new, but I feel like it will make me stay in my tiny bubble even more, without letting anyone else too close anymore, since I do not wish to get hurt more.
     
  16. BeeVee

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    I don't know if you are out on your own or not yet, but maybe wait until you are? Coming out isn't easy, just take baby steps. If your relatives decide to..not be supportive of you, try to sit them down and talk with them. (of course whenever the time comes when you are comfortable enough to come out to them) If that doesn't work, maybe it would be time to take a break from relatives as well. Sometimes, family isn't always blood. Someone will come along in your life and they will feel like family. Even if it is your own partner.
    Keeping your heart to yourself is a good thing too. But eventually, someone will break down that wall and tell you that everything will be okay and be there for you. I am not great at giving advice, but I do hope that my words are somewhat helpful in a sense.
    I would take a day just to do some self care. Read your favorite book, watch your favorite tv series or movies, take a bubble bath (if you like those), write in a journal, play some video games, etc. Find things that will get your mind off of all of this for now. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do this, you got this. We are here for you.
     
  17. Rayland

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    I'm out to two people. My family and relatives have no idea yet, because I want to save up and become a little more financially independent before I come out to them. I'm trying to find myself a job right now.

    Thank you. I do appreciate all the advice I get. It has all been helpful, even just knowing that I'm not really the only only one who has to deal with these things and just venting about it all helps too to clear my mind.
     
  18. PatrickUK

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    I hope your friend does eventually find the two minutes it will take to view the presentation. If I'm being totally honest, the "more pressing concerns" comment is lame and seems like an excuse to avoid the subject, but you should raise it with her if/when she comes back to you.

    I'm afraid we do have to set boundaries in our relationships with other people. In those cases where the other person is kind and respectful, it's barely necessary to highlight the boundaries because they just get it and want the best for you, but when boundaries are being crossed or ignored (such as misgendering) there is a need to be more assertive and push back. If gentle push back does not work and the issue persists it's a sign of a problematic relationship where even stricter boundaries become necessary and that may include the ultimate boundary of no contact unless/until they have resolved their issues. I really hope that will not be necessary.
     
  19. Jakebusman

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    Hope your friend eventually comes around and respects your identity
     
  20. Rayland

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