So I have gender dysphoria and it’s becoming unbearable to a point that I’m constantly harming myself and crying every time I see my chest or stop talking because of my voice being so irritating.I want to go on Testosterone but I’m 13 and I got no therapist and my mom wouldn’t let me go on testosterone since she is transphobic and I’m afraid that if I don’t start transitioning I won’t make it and I’m scared because if I tell my mom I’m trans I will get beat but I can’t take it anymore I need to transition.
Hey Ryyu! I know how hard it all can be. Hugs your way. Do you have anyone who could offer you some support, like other family members or relatives or supportive faculty members at your school? This is a link to Trevor project, where you could try and reach out for help too: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help/. Support from other people is invaluable, they can help you to talk to your mom about it all and get you therapy and you do need to see a therapist, if you actually want to start transitioning too. Since this process does take time I recommend you to have hobbies, because it helps you to take your mind off these things and focus on something else. Also exercising, having good sleep and reading offers you something to do as well and are good for you. If you start doing exercises, then maybe you could get some supportive sports bras. You can tell your mom you need them for exercise. I have found that these help to compress my chest better, than anything else so far. Also baggy clothes, like comfy hoodies, flannels and t-shirts help too. I struggle with voice too. It does suck. Maybe you can find online some resources and start practicing speaking on a lower tone, when you are on your own, so it would get to the point that it will be less irritable for you. If you wish to vent or just talk, then we are all here to listen and help out as much as we can as well.
I am really sorry to hear about the dark place you are in with the dysphoria. When we look in a mirror and see a person who doesn't align with our identity or we hear a voice that doesn't relate to who we are it can create an inner scream that is very difficult to switch off and it's understandable that you feel tired and deeply frustrated with it all. Don't struggle with it alone. Use this thread and forum to say how you feel, because it's so important to have community connections - even if it is only people on the internet. That sense of being connected to people like us and who understand us can get us through some really difficult days. I am sorry your mom is standing in your way. What conversations have you had with her already that confirmed to you that she wouldn't accept any form of transitioning? Sometimes the journey towards transitioning is very slow and gradual and we have to take comfort in the small things we can get away with, even if that's only things like using soaps, shower gels and fragrance that is designed for guys. The clothes you wear and the cut of the clothes can help to reduce the visible impact and voice training can act as a work in progress. It's also important to stay focused on your education and leave school with the grades that will catapult you to freedom and independence, where you can make choices for yourself about transitioning. Think of your education as a vital step on the journey. Is there anything you can do to surf the urge to self harm? Sometimes we need to explore techniques that satisfy the urge but aren't so destructive to our body. I get that you don't like your body now, but you need to look to a future when you can have the body you really love and you don't want that body to be all scarred and broken, do you? What do you think you could do, short of self harm to gain an emotional release? Would something like punching a pillow help? As I said above, don't bottle these feelings up. Keep visiting the forum and posting when you need an outlet. Better to release your feelings on here than keeping them locked away.
