I need help hiding

Hey Guff,
DOH! My bad. I knew you were homeschooled. I guess I had a brainfart. Sorry about that.:icon_sad:

You’re at your wit’s end. With all the stress you’re under and still no firm outlet. It's understandable that you lashed out at him, but you are also right that it was inappropriate. He'll get over it, but do you think you should just go tell him that you’re sorry because you’re under a lot of pressure right now and you didn’t mean to snap at him?

Do you have some kind of activity you can do around the house to take your mind off things for a while?

Take Care. Stay strong.

 

Hi Guff,

First off, you still did the right thing telling your parents. I don't know if I'm in time for this but your parents will probably speak to you about shouting at your brother - it might the time to say that it was misplaced anger at your mum's interference (if you think that might have caused it)?

I know what you are saying about shouting at kid but you have to understand that you are going through a lot and that lashing out at people is a response to that - its not a justification but hopefully understanding where that anger comes from will help you realise that you aren't the sole factor in what happened. May be you could explain to your brother you are having a difficult time and feel terrible for what happened because you know it isn't his fault or something he did? (Sorry that's the best I can come up with on that - my only sibling is less that year younger than me.)

Secondly, I think if you can do as Quantumreality suggested and explain to your Dad how your mum's actions are making things worse then that's the next step - also explain that this is why you lost it with your brother. If that doesn't work then (and I hate to say this) you may have to confront your mother directly - I'm sure this is the last thing you want to hear but if you don't then you aren't going to be able to deal with this.

Why? Because as you said there as some things you cannot tell your parents, because (from what you have said) your mum will try and make you do things you aren't comfortable with and because a professional provides a neutral party to talk to who can help mediate things with you family. Additionally (and I'm not sure about this because homeschooling is extremely rare in the UK), if your mum in charge of your education then she is in an even more unequal position of power than other mothers and it also means that you won't have a lot space from her. I had to fight with my parents as a teenager to get them to listen to me as an equal - I think that is fairly normally progressing from a child to and adult - but by the time I came out to them and spoke about my depression and cutting myself I had already established some equality. Even now though, it is still unequal. With a professional you will have some who is limited in what they can do or say without your permission and this is really important for receiving help and being able to trust them with things. Maybe you could give your parents some of these reasons or any others you think of as to why you need a professional and not a family member to talk to. I hope you don't have to directly confront your mother but it may be necessary for you to get to see someone.

I think if you can use the incident with your brother to illustrate how harmful your mother's actions are then it might make your parents realise that they cannot do everything.

I'm sorry for such a long post but I'm really disappointed that your mother couldn't let you make this call but is trying to do it herself when she isn't a professional and she isn't impartial enough to be any help with things (sorry, I'm just infuriated that she can't see she is doing you harm). Sorry again for the long post but I hope some of what I've said is useful. Just stay brave and hang in there.

 

Guff,

I'm SO sorry that opening up to your parents didn't get you the results you want (and we all want for you) right away. But please don't give up yet. Isn't there any chance you can talk to your Dad about this and explain that you need professional help, but your Mom's help is only adding to your problems?

And, please, don't do anything to hurt yourself again. You have a long, wonderful life ahead of you just as soon as you can leave home. That may seem like it's a million years away right now, but a couple of years is hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of your life...

Do you maybe have some relatives that live a decent distance away from your home that you could perhaps go visit? Just to get you out of that environment and help you get a different perspective?

Please be stay and stay strong, my friend!

 

I really agree with Quantumreality in just trying to get your dad a bit more involved. Your mom might be acting stubborn when you try to address things with her but maybe your dad might be able to convince her otherwise. It's worth a shot trying to get him involved. From what you've written in previous posts he seems very concerned and willing to help so use that support to the fullest.

As far as your arm goes just keep an eye on it and wash the wound regularly. If you feel the urge again try to find another method of channeling your anger. I know it seems bleak from where you are, but just please hang in there and don't give up. You can beat this.

 

First, sorry I didnt notice this earlier, I wish I had...

I have several insights, so this post is probably going to be long...

Im going to start with mom. I didnt say your mom though My mom did the same thing at first. IDK what the hell your talkng about with oils, but for the first few months she thought just by pulling me from school and spending more time with me she could fix it... I keep seeing more and more similarities in our stories... not the exact same, but so many similar bullet points... Anyways, I have to unfortunately be the one to play devils advocate for a minute, I hope you will forgive me. Your mom is doing this because she loves you. After you thought you saw the response you wanted yesterday, this percieved reversal has left you feeling betrayed, so you are attributing it to your mom's percieved personal negative attributes. It really is normal. I did it too. Only mine wasnt because she wanted to be the hero, I somehow twisted it into she wanted to be the victim... idk, I was a kid... My point is, all of this (esp your reaction) is perfectly natural, but lying to end this and trying to take care of your self is a VERY dangerous reaction. My first suggestion it to just relax and give yourself more time to bring your parents around.

All that being said, I also believe your mom is wrong. Completely. I do not think this is something she can help you effectively manage... I agree with people that you should be talking to your dad, but I think if you attempt to exclude your mom, it could backfire. I would instead advocate talking to both at the same time whenever possible.

I also want to mention something else before I go on from here... In an earlier post you said you would rather come out as gay then tell your parents you cut your arm. I know you were just stressed out and emotional, I knew at the time that it was probably not true. It was fear. Well I would like to bring up the idea of no longer beating around the bush about suicidal ideation. You clearly do not WANT to kill yourself. But I know from personal experience, it seems like the only way to make the things that are tormenting you from stopping. It isnt. But you will not see this without help. Everyone here has been trying, but we are not proffessionals. I know you are terrified about the prospect of telling your parents, but I want to use a really scary argument about this. I hate using it because I am terrified of putting ideas in someones head. If you are considering killing yourself, I know that terrifies you as much as it would anyone. I would argue that killing yourself should be more terrifying than telling your parents your considering it. I know what you want. Not verbatim, but an idea. You want to be content. The messed up part is you deserve to be happy, but that probably seems so impossible that you would say content. I am not positive on this, but from my experience, the only way to get to the contentment you want, and the happiness you deserve is through complete honesty. IDK anything about your sexuality, so dont panic. I just mean about your emotional state. But I just wanted to point out that compared to killing yourself, telling your parents bout your consideration should be a little easier. Remember, at one point you thought you would rather come out of the closet then just tell them you cut yourself.... but i will move on before I go on a tangent here...

Yelling at your brother:
Some people have hinted at this already, but I will just outright say it. You know how I told you that cutting your arm was your subconscious cry for help? I believe you are having suicidal ideations again, no? Wouldnt it make sense that despite knowing your brother wasnt really doing anything wrong, your inability to stop yelling at him til he was away might have been your subconscious sending a message to the outside world that you are very unhappy with whats happening?

Im gonna wrap this up here shortly, and then double check I didnt leave anything out, but I just want to kind of summarize...

Your mom loves you, and is trying to help in her own misplaced way. You should try not to destroy that. Work on explaining that it is not going to help. Consider admitting your suicidal ideation, but if that is just too much vulnerability (I understand), you can still work on getting the help you need. I guess the point here really is, dont give up on getting help, and be patient.

Patience. That was one I was never good at either when I was going through this shit. The doctor would always say, we are making great progress, we just have to be patient, we will get there... shut the hell up was my first thought for a very long time. But there is something that a lot of people dont seem to udnerstand... getting help is like a tortoise and the hare race... you want to go fast like the hare, but that will lead to problems... the tortoise may be more slow/gradual/incremental but it is steady and consistent.

You have taken such huge steps in the right direction already. You want to go faster so you stumbled a little by thinking you want to just give up on getting help... Become the tortoise. Accept this will take time, but if your options are taking some time and finding happiness, or suicide. I think finding happiness sounds much better. And while you may not see happiness as an option, I see it as the inevitable one for you. If you get help. You are a bright kid and you deserve happiness, not just being content. You have done so much to be proud of already, everyone stumbles, but its what you do after that matters... I hope you can get back in the thick of it with your parents and start bringing them around. All it takes is what you hear people say about coming out... when they say something about you that is contrary to what you want, calmly and consistently explain that it is not helping. They will get the message. This part I can tell you from experience, because while I never did tell them about cutting, I did have to convince them to put me into therapy...

Sorry it is so damn long, if i missed anything, you want my opinion on anything, my advice, or you just need to talk, let me know. Be patient and you will find the contentment you want and happiness you deserve. It gets better.

---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 09:44 PM ----------

I just realized I left one small point out... I was the one who said I was certain you would feel immediate relief. I also said once you got help you would have even more relief... I was right the first time, and I was even more certain about you feeling more relief once you got help.... I really hope you trust my experience on this one.... getting help is imperative, and your parents will come around.

---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 09:54 PM ----------

I forgot to mention why it could backfire excluding your mom...

Your parents will be discussing this either way. If only one of them is getting new information, the other one will be influencing them far more effectively then if they were both there for the new information...

I really dont want to write another novel, so let me know if that needs clarification...

 

That's a really good point, ABeautifulMind!

Guff, that doesn't stop you from going to your Dad to try to get his active support to get you to a therapist, but you probably shouldn't go about it in a manner that tries to play your mom against your Dad.

Stay safe and stay strong!

 

Hey Guff,

I'm pretty certain that ABeautifulMind wasn't urging you to Come Out to your parents at all. He knows that's not an option for you. I think he was mainly just comparing the difficulty level of Coming Out to your parents (impossible for you) to the difficulty of coming forward to your parents with your depression and cutting issues.

DON'T apologize. That is one of the main reasons this website is here. Being able to type these things out can also help you sort out what is going on in your head. That's a very good thing. There are many good people here who will continue to read anything you want to post. I know that I will! I only wish we could do more for you directly, Guff.

If you'll allow me a total detour from the seriousness of this post, your comment about the name you picked for your pet cactus, Elvis Pricksley, really tickled me! When I was on a training patrol in the mountains in the American Southwest one time, one of my buddies fell down a slope and landed front-first (chest and abdomen, not head, fortunately) in a very large prickly pear cactus. He had to strip off his uniform while we pulled the larger cactus spines out of him. Some were deeply embedded and just had to work their way out over time. He was understandably miserable. At the end of our training a couple weeks later, we got him a going away gift - a small prickly pear cactus and a T-shirt that said "I Love Prickly Pear Cacti.":lol:

Now back to serious. Please stay the course. Keep pushing your parents to get you the counseling/therapy you need.

Take Care and stay safe, my friend!

 

I am visually upset by your first paragraph. It is bad in the same way as my story, but it seems to a far more significant degree. I genuinely was NOT suggesting coming out anytime soon, and that was before reading this. I am so sorry you have to deal with that, but know, it is not your fault, they are the backwards ones.... I need to stop on that topic because I could easily find myself committing some pretty significant ad hominem on people I have never even met, and that is usually pretty counter productive. But regarding you first paragraph, listen to this, but dont let people over hear.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYoapICIfeE


Now I am gonna say some things that will seem counter to my previous post... Your mom can go to hell.... From what I have heard so far she loves you and is simply a flawed human being like everyone else. But if she eventually does reject you for this, fuck her. I KNOW how it feels keeping in the back of your head that you may have to cut your mother out in the future. But at the same time, if that happens, it wont be the end of the world... your mother has already been a source of significant self esteem issues and has clearly contributed to your depression. Those things alone are not enough to just disconnect from her. But I want to point these things out so that you dont have some rosy picture of what life is like right now when your comparing it to scary futures... The important thing is how you feel. That is they key to happiness. Making sure to take care of YOUR emotional well being...

Now I have two other points... I think I will start with your college statement. My suggestion is to put off coming out til college when you can get away. Obviously if you feel comfortable by then, but I am just suggesting that you dont pressure yourself before that.... But I am getting ahead of myself... I dont think that it is necessarily an accurate depiction of what would happen if you came out.... anxiety tends to be an asshole and shine the spotlight on our worst fears the most. EVERYONE is a victim of their anxiety. The fact you think that could happen is really bad enough to be honest. But there are things that at your age, you may not understand or perceive... one thing is that when no one challenges the status quo, of course it never changes... what I mean by that is your parents may support anti LGBT sentiment because they are so completely unaware of you identifying LGBT... when confronted with their own child sexuality, they may change... It will almost certainly not happen over night... but once you get to college, and you dont have to deal with her while she is processing... who knows. There are countless other aspect that could influence how they react. But I dont want you thinking rejection is guaranteed. It really isnt...

But coming out needs to take a very far back seat for now buddy... you have enough on your plate without worrying about coming out... hell you still need therapy to help you come to terms with your sexuality in my opinion.

My other point I mentioned before was your post content.

It changed.

And I think it is very positive for a couple reasons. It shows that you trust the people here, and that implies that you think we are right... if you thought we were way off, you would not trust us. It is also very positive because I think it offers serious new insight to you as a person. The content change I am discussing is the information ranging from a flood and ruined toys, Elvis Pricksley, your drivers license dilemma... I have a few things to say about all that, a small point, your emotional state could very easily cause headaches... its called a psychosomatic symptom. There is no physical cause. The reason I wouldnt doubt that is because they said your head aches were genetic which sounds like they dont know what the hell is causing it, idk if I am right, just thought I would mention it real quick....

More importantly, I think I see a big problem for you.... I am not sure if you have ever consciously noticed, but you have no control. That can be staggeringly difficult to cope with. At your age you are reaching a point of more independence and for someone who already seems to struggle a bit with control, it could be why it seems like your symptoms are so much worse recently. I am honestly making the assumption they are worse now than ever before, based on this particular control insight. The good news is, this means that your symptoms getting worse is possibly linked to puberty. Why does that matter? well I think your anxiety and the symptoms getting worse made you think it was all because you were gay and worried about coming out of the closet. Im not saying I am right here, I could be off obviously, I am not a professional, but I just wanted to show you another perspective since I am sure right now it is hard to see outside of the tunnel you probably feel you are stuck in...

Please make sure to just be patient. You dont have to come out, I actually wouldnt suggest it, but other than that, try being honest... If your family did what your anxiety is suggesting when you came out, I would distance myself immediately and wouldnt return til they came to me showing support... But I am desperately hoping for your sake that you are just anxious and your worst fears have been playing over and over ever since you were a little kid, and it influenced your perspective. Its normal. And its normal to think that sounds impossible to you. But from someone a bit older who went through so much similar stuff, your anxiety can get the best of you, especially amidst the hormones of puberty.

Listen to that song I posted. Stick with the road to therapy. It gets better.

---------- Post added 13th Sep 2016 at 11:08 PM ----------

He was absolutely right about not being sorry for posting... I would like to be able to help you out if i can, and the more info i have, the more likely i can....

That is why I was happy to see this new content... not only does it give more info, but the fact you found those things important enough to include means they are troubling you deeply, and probably more than you want to admit. I get the feeling your dad working so much and leaving you alone with your mom is something that is really bothering you... These are all things t hat therapy will help you cope with and manage...

But dont stop posting or worry your posting too much... This forum doesnt charge by the character or the post or anything last i checked

 

Hi Guff,

First off, I hope the posting is helping and the more you post the better. This is a place for you to say all the things you cannot say to your family and can get things of your chest. Whatever happens just keep on posting here because if EC is your only outlet at the moment you need to make full use of it. No one here is going to judge you or criticise you for lengthy posts or ranting or anything like that - we all know how much it helps being able to just say some of the things we are going through.

Secondly, I think ABeautifulMind is onto something when he talks about control. Would it be fair to say that you are angry at your mum for taking control of the situation because it feels like she's disregarding what you want? From what you have said it sounds like a very controlling environment and, as ABeautifulMind pointed out, you are at the age where you are trying to assert some independence - which is a difficult time anyway without worrying about being gay as well. On a related note - can you turn off or put out the night calming fragrance stuff? I think you should just do it so you can get some sleep as being tired will make you feel worse.

I think Quantumreality's suggestion is still your best option for trying to get to see someone but if you Dad is a away then it may be difficult to find the time to tell him. I think you should give it a try. As your Dad is the most supportive of your parents try and speak to him if you can - if you feel confident enough to speak to both your parents at once that may be better but in my own experience I've it easier talking to my parents separately (I felt less like they were ganging up on me - they weren't but it felt a bit like it). Do what you feel is best for you though.

Another thought that occurred to me - if you don't like soccer is there another sport or activity you do like? Could you do that instead - something like swimming, running or hiking? Also would it be possible to suggest to your Dad, now he knows a bit of how you're feeling, that you don't want to play to soccer? (It might be easier if you have an alternative sport in mind.)

Finally, I'm sorry that you are feeling so trapped but if you can think about university as a future where you won't be in your current environment it might help with the feeling that this is permanent. Also, like ABeautifulMind said, your parent's view may change if you come out to them because it might force them to reassess what they 'know' about gay people. To be clear, I'm not even remotely suggesting that you should come out or that you need to - just that it may not be quite the end you think it is but that is perhaps best left for another time.

I hope that you that you give yourself a break and keep posting here. Having the progress you made in getting to see someone obstructed by you Mum seems to have really upset you but this whole thing is an ongoing process and, unfortunately, there will be more set backs but you are on the right road for making your life better. You've also shown a lot of bravery in speaking to you parents - so you know you can do it and we at EC are all behind you 100%. Please try and not be so hard on yourself - you are dealing with a very difficult situation that is not of your making but which is made by the prejudices of others. None of this is your fault. Just take things slow.

 

Everyone has made some pretty good points and has given some really great advice. I think it's important that you continue writing on the thread even if it's just to read your thoughts. I too have noticed a shift in your posts as the thread gets bigger. Keep in mind that any sort of progress, no matter how big or irrelevant it may seem, is still progress at the end of the day.

 

Regarding the shift in your posts - I think they show a great deal of maturity in dealing with the problems you face. The fact that you are confronting things in your mind and getting out on here is a good and healthy sign that you seeking to resolve things. I hope you are feeling better than yesterday (even if only a little better) but even if you aren't let us know how you are doing.

 

Mentally you've been through a lot. Sometimes being mentally or emotionally tired can be far more daunting than being physically tired. The other sensations you mention like feeling cold and achy could be stress/anxiety related but I'm no doctor so I can't five a definitive answer.

A lot has happened for you to process emotionally and it could just be a bit of an overload. Just try to take it easy the best you can.

 

One day at a time, Guff. One day at a time.

Total weariness and lethargy are symptoms of depression. Some people with depression literally experience the color going out of the world, i.e. they actually see the world in black and white or sometimes in extremely dull colors.

Take Care and stay strong, my friend!

---------- Post added 14th Sep 2016 at 11:30 PM ----------

Oh, and my buddy wanted us to call in a helicopter to MEDEVAC (medical evacuation) him off the mountain, but we couldn’t do that. Our mission was to head to a rendezvous spot down the mountain and we were already far below the crest, so there wasn’t anywhere for a helicopter to land unless we took him back up the mountain or continued all the way down. Besides that, while he was HURTING, he wasn’t really hurt. (I’ve had prickly pear spines in my legs and shins before, so I know how that feels. I could definitely empathize with my buddy.) We took his weapon, gear and backpack so that he didn’t have to contend with them, but he had to walk the rest of the way down the mountain with us – about a six hour hike. He kept quietly complaining the whole time, but he kept up with us and we all took turns keeping an eye on him as we hiked down the mountain. Unfortunately, our mission didn’t actually end at the bottom of the mountain. We had to set up an ambush along a main road running parallel to the mountain range. That meant that my buddy had to sit off to the side, out of sight while the rest of us set up an ambush, waited for the ‘enemy convoy,’ attacked the ‘enemy convoy’ when it drove by, cleared the Objective and recovered intelligence from the convoy, and then exfiltrated the area. That took another two hours. So, about 8 hours after he had fallen into the prickly pear cactus, we finally were able to call in a vehicle to take my buddy back to base to get cleaned up and get some rest. He was a really good sport about it, though.

 

That just sounds terrible quantum... lol

Hey guff, this is going to be a long distance call back lol, but you said you can throw up on command right? Dude I think you may want to consider taking a day off school by throwing up.... Either way, if the sleeping pill your mom gave you the other night helped, you might also consider asking for another of those.

Being tired is only going to make things worse. I know you have had trouble sleeping at night, so I am assuming that is still the case right? I mean, its not like your sleeping all night and still exhausted right?

I totally understand what you mean about your mom being the clear leader. No matter what I got the feeling you would need either both or your moms permission to gget help from the beginning. But like I said before, I wouldnt yet give up on mom... But your gonna have to remain h onest and consistent... anytime you talk, you need to insist you want to seek help. insist she is not helping. be consistent though. If you give in one time, she will think she is getting through... so you have to be consistent. Otherwise it will take even longer...

Did you listen to that song? I really think you would like it if you did.. It is a pretty good song, and I think you would really relate to it.

Anyways, just remember to keep on keeping on, venting here is an awesome outlet, please, KEEP USING IT We are all behind you

 

Hey Guff,

I think you are being too hard on yourself regarding the comments on maturity. I hear what you are saying about self-harming but you've demonstrated maturity by coming here and talking about, by speaking to your parents and, most importantly, by acknowledging the problem and seeking to resolve it. Sorry if I'm being repetitive but you should recognise the strength you have shown.

Your going through a lot of emotional turmoil and things are going up and down - you took a step forward speaking with your parents and your mum has knocked you back a bit. You are also in the process of trying to changes things in your life and in your environment - so things are going to be unsettled and uncertain. I think ABeautifulMind makes a good point about being consistent and not wavering from the clear statement that you need to see someone and that your mum is making things worse and not helping.

It sounds like you mum is the more dominant person in the family but your Dad does have some pull - are you planning on speaking to him? Maybe not now or even in the few days but do you think you might feel better if you speak to him? It sounds like you could do with trying to assert some control over things and this might allow you do so. (I guess your mum would just not listen if you spoke to her by herself?) Merely a suggestion but planning on the next course of action might help you feel better.

Try not to worry about your school work, a few days won't ruin your education and worrying about will just add to your problems. See if you can have a day or two off from it if you think that would help and your mum could be persuaded that it is needed. Otherwise try and get some sleep when you can, nap or just veg out if it helps. Keep ranting.

 

Hey Guff,

I wish you a heartfelt Happy Birthday!

It was very good to hear the tone of your post today. I’m very glad you got to laugh quite a bit today. Laughter can actually physiologically pick up a person’s mood, so laugh early and laugh often, I always say … yep, I always say that… well, I don’t ALWAYS say that … but I said it just now, anyway… Just know that we are still here supporting you and pulling for you. And keep letting yourself know that it’s gonna be o.k.! You have a strong, bright future ahead.

You know, when I encountered things like that in the military and couldn’t respond the way I really wanted to or even just object to such remarks (because, similarly to you, I was deeply in the closet and couldn’t risk being Outed), I would make up scenarios in my mind to give that person their come-uppance. For example, in this case, I could imagine that after she made her homophobic remark, I’d say something like “Gee, Ms. *insert name*, that’s NOT the attitude you had yesterday afternoon when I saw you at *insert likely location* with your Girlfriend” and imagine all the rumors THAT would start…

Congratulations on winning your soccer game. Take motivation on the playing field wherever you can get it. Channeling your teammates snotty remark into energy on the field was great!

I know your mom is your mom, but it’s not wrong to doubt your love for someone that you know would reject you just for being who you are if she knew, when she should be offering you the unconditional love of a parent for all of their children. But your internal turmoil over it can be a very hard thing to deal with.

You are NOT a dreadful child to your mom - blood kin and nothing can change that. But you are the person that you were born to be and no child is beholden to live a life dictated by their parents. You can’t control your sexuality, your health issues nor how you look. You certainly aren’t a moron nor crazy. And, for what it’s worth, a lot of teenagers describe themselves as ‘freaky looking’. I did when I was in high school. It wasn’t really true, it was mostly low self-esteem on my part and I seriously doubt you are really ‘freaky looking.’ You’ve described so many things that you do for your family and beyond that demonstrate what a kind, thoughtful, mature, and responsible young man you are. I’d welcome you into my family in a heartbeat – and everyone would be the better for it!

Take Care. Stay strong and proud, my friend!