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I need help coming out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by biflol, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. biflol

    Regular Member

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    I’m a teenage guy and for a while I have known I was gay. I have never told any body. Recently though, I have realized that some of the things I do and say make me seem gay to others (I know this because some people have asked me if I’m gay because of my actions). Because of this, I feel like it is time for me to stop pretending that I’m just quirky and come out to my family. Soon before I planned to tell my family, I found out that my brother was gay. He had already come out to his friends and everybody at school, but not to the family (at least not that I know of). This caused me to struggle with my confidence because I felt like it would seem I was copying him or that I was just trying to fit in with my brother. I have had a very rocky relationship with my brother because he was very emotionally abusive when we were younger. He’s grown out of it sort of, but it still hurts. Because of this I am very uncomfortable talking to him about anything personal, whereas he is fine with telling me everything about his life (which is how I found out he was gay).

    On a separate note: It took some time to decide I was wanting to come out. My family is very conservative and Catholic and kinda old-school so I feel like they might not be super accepting. My family memebers have sometimes made passing remarks about “super flamboyant homosexuals” in a mocking and negative way, which just makes me feel bad.

    I’m not really looking for advice to “just do it, who cares what they think?” because my mom is really sensitive and I still have to live with her and my dad for a couple more years. I can’t just ignore them until I move out or move out now.
     
  2. CL1990

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    hey!have you thought about coming out first to someone outside your family?maybe that helps you build up confidence and find a support network that might help you feel more confortable when you feel like you are ready to come out to your family...either way i wish you the best of luck!
     
  3. Calf

    Full Member

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    Hi. It reads as though you have a few different things going on here that are all interwoven and so I'm guessing it's just making life feel a bit overwhelming. You're a teenage guy who already knows that life isn't easy and the life ahead of you probably isn't the one that many people (your parents for example) have planned out. That's OK, it means that you're in the right place to start working through this.

    So you've spent hours imagining all the ways that your 'coming out' is going to go wrong. Your relationship with your brother will get worse, your parents will go wild and kick you out, your wider family and church community will disown you, you'll be rejected by friends.... the list goes on. Nearly everyone on this forum can relate to that because this is a BIG THING! I could say that none of that will happen and that things will get better but why should you believe that? I get why that's not what you want to hear.
    Everybody here has felt the same at some point in their lives, we all understand the doubt and the fear BUT nobody here can tell you what to do to make it work out because you're experience is as unique as any other. The good thing though is that you'll definitely get plenty of support here along your journey based on similar real life experience. You just need to ask.

    Anyway, let's get positive about this, I have a question for you. What would be the best outcome for you, after coming out? How do you want your parents to react and how should it change your relationship with your brother? When you're able to be out, how will it shape who you are?

    There are a lot of different ways that people approach 'coming out' from, choosing supportive friends and family first, to writing letters, to prompting conversations on LGBT topics etc. so if you tell us what, if anything, causes you the most anxiety then there may be suggestions to help.

    All I know about you from is the small passage above but I feel as though resolving your relationship with your brother is important to you and it's something that maybe you should explore separately from 'coming out'.

    Finally I'll say, try and remember that you can only control your own actions and emotions. You can't predict or control how others will react and you're not responsible for that either. So long as you do what feels right to you, you shouldn't blame yourself for poor reactions from others. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be hurt by someone getting angry or sad when you come out but it does mean that it isn't your fault they feel that way.

    Well I hope that's some help and if you want to talk about anything in more detail or ask questions, I'll do my best.
     
    fadedstar likes this.
  4. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

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    biflol.....Hello and welcome to empty closets!. I'm glad that you have found us and I do hope that we can help. Coming out to parents can be difficult...religious parents can be even harder to tell. I think I can understand this because my family is very religious and I had to come out to them. The big difference is that I am the father and my oldest son is the pastor of a conservative Christian church. Some questions about your brother....you say you get along better now. He isn't out to your parents, but he is out to you? It sounds like you're not out to him. Is there any possibility at all that you could come out to him and as biological brothers and LGBTQ brothers you could both approach your parents together? Think about that and get back to us. We do care and want to help.
    .....David :gay_pride:flag:
     
  5. JaimeGaye

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    Have you considered coming out to your brother first?
    His emotional abuse towards you may have come at a time he was questioning himself and coming out to him and forgiving him may actually bring you closer as brothers.
    And yes, it is common for parents and others to think you are simply emulating your brother.
    Only you know the truth to that accusation.