1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I Need Help and/or Advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LittleLamb, Oct 26, 2018.

  1. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I just joined here and I found this thread. I've been going to LGBT forums, sites and even on tumblr for advice. I'm not having much luck because either the site hasn't been active in years, the mod is so young they can't relate to a 30-something or I'm given advice that doesn't help.

    So I'm 33 and after believing I was bisexual for many years I'm finally coming to terms I'm a lesbian. Due to many reasons I'm still closeted - financially, the fact I'm living at home (in the conservative south I might add), the fact my entire family is incredibly homophobic and I'm unemployed because I'm a full-time caregiver for my grandma and I have little help. Let me add because of this I cannot join groups in my community or in cities that are close to me to meet people. Since I'm not out I thought I'd join some online sites and communities and even try online dating not just to have a girlfriend but to make new friends. It's been really hard to even connect with someone online, they aren't always welcoming. I don't feel like I fit in with any of these women. I know this sounds stupid I am an adult after all but I've always been different and it's had nothing to do with my sexuality, it's my hobbies and interests, even down to things like celebrities, TV shows and food. I'm sorry that I'm allergic to cats, I'm not a vegetarian/vegan, I don't care about sports and I think the movie Carol is extremely overrated, among other things. I don't want to change who I am but I don't want to pretend to like something just to fit in. Everyone says being different is a good thing, but not everyone accepts different. I know not every woman is like this but it's just strange I keep getting hit with this same pattern over and over again.

    I know this is going to make me sound so pathetic, go ahead and say I'm 'desperate' or a 'hot mess' - other's have. I have no friends and as an adult it's been incredibly hard to make them. I struggle with horrible social anxiety so that's why I have a hard time. I'm going to sound really pathetic when I say this but I'm going ahead. First of all I know that having a relationship isn't the most important thing in life but I've never been on a date ever in my life and just once I'd like to have one and be in a relationship. I know it's dumb but I feel like I've missed out on so much already. Also, I don't mean to sound morbid here but tomorrow isn't promised for anybody. So why can't I say I want to be in a relationship without everyone jumping all over me? Straight people complain about it all the time and nobody says anything to them.


    Anyway I thought I'd introduce myself and see if anyone has any helpful advice.
     
    SevnButton and UMedusa like this.
  2. UMedusa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2018
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    149
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Welcome to EC!

    My advice would be just keep developing yourself. Online dating is not great for a host of reasons, regardless of orientation, so don't blame yourself for that nonsense. Meeting people can become more difficult with age, because people branch off so much more socially. It takes work to find someone to date! Don't give up. Also, remember, acceptance is a two-way street. I know there are ways to meet other lesbians in person, without it being an internet romance first. You can do this. You can't swim if you are afraid to get your feet wet.

    I hope you find what you are looking for.
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    I’ve found the forum to be really welcoming, friendly and supportive, so I hope that you experience the same! I hope you’re able to make some friends who can relate to you, as this much of this forum is about supporting people who are question, not out or coming out. There are other people on here that hadn’t or haven’t been in a relationship until 30s or later.

    I’m sorry that you’ve had bad experiences in the past. Just remember that you can’t expect to hit it off with everyone and the more people you chat to, the better your chances of finding somebody that you can develop a friendship with.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  4. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey EC isn't like most forums so I'm sure you will find it friendly and welcoming. I didn't realise I was gay until my mid 20's so whilst a bit younger than you I can relate a little. If you read some threads here you will find you definitely aren't alone, even if it feels that way.
    I think considering the restraints on you coming out and meeting people in real life, online is a good place to start, sure it's not perfect but things in life rarely are.
    It's tough being different, despite what people say but you cannot change who you are because doing that will in the long run make you miserable. There are people who will accept and love you as you are it's just finding them.
    I think making friends as an adult is incredibly tough so don't be too hard on yourself it's not your fault.
     
    LittleLamb, Drizzle and UMedusa like this.
  5. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all


    If you don't mind I'd like to make a correction. Some of those people who weren't nice to me, so to say were actually Moderators of sites and personally I believe if you are running a site to be as helpful to someone as much as possible not degrade them. I understand what you are saying, I know not everyone is going to like me trust me I've gone 33 years with many people hating me it's nothing new to me, anyway I apologize for the confusion. I wrote my post late last night on impulse, These past 2 weeks have been incredibly stressful for me and I just wanted to vent.
     
  6. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Thanks for the welcome.
    Thanks for understanding that sometimes online is the only way for others to meet someone, especially with my current situation it's the only option for me. I also, agree with you it's not perfect but it's a start.
    Thanks again for your kind response.
     
  7. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    I have to give you one correction, I am fully aware that online dating isn't great, given my current situation it was something I was trying. Maybe one day my life won't be like what it is now but if you must know after many years of being friendless and dateless I am very lonely. Joining groups, forums, communities, ect. is all I can do right now. Your life (luckily) isn't mine and I'm getting by as best I can.
     
  8. UMedusa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2018
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    149
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I understand your situation better than you might think. We actually have a ton in common and reading your post was like, "Wow." for me. It is a very real struggle and I didn't mean to come across as trivialising it or judgmental, just trying to be encouraging.

    Also, I was referring only to online dating, not other online communities. For me, online dating is right up there with job searching. You just feel racked and exposed and vulnerable. It can be a challenging emotional roller coaster.

    Online groups make a huge difference when you feel trapped in loneliness. The internet has been a game changer for SO many people to help gain a healthy perspective about yourself. I'm not judging that in a negative way at all and use online groups and resources heavily myself. Without ongoing support online, I would be completely trapped by social anxiety and never see the good side of face-to-face interactions.

    ((hugs))
     
  9. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Thank you for clarifying your message.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  10. weary

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2018
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    270
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    You've already gotten a lot of good advice. Let me offer another suggestion from a person who has suffered from severe social phobia all her life. Change how you think and respond about yourself.

    In reading your post, you list a lot of negatives. I would ask that you rewrite with only positives and change that at your core. I used to do the same and always wonder why I never got what I was really searching for. Then it hit me one day - positive vs negative reinforcement is so powerful! You may need to write yourself post-its on your bathroom mirror for awhile until it sinks it, but in my experience it really does work. I still use it and work on it daily.

    Let your paragraph become:

    ***I'm 33 and I'm a lesbian. I will become more financially stable and it will no longer bother me that my family is homophobic. I will join groups to meet people not just to have a girlfriend but to make new friends. I can connect with someone. They are always welcoming, and I am worthy. I feel like I fit in with many of these women. I am different and it's okay. I don't need to change who I am. I will have friends and I will overcome my social anxiety. I will meet women and date. I will find the one to be in a relationship with because I am lovable.***
     
  11. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Thank you for your advice.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  12. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You are welcome. I would say chat to lots of people here and post any threads you feel like you want to :slight_smile:
     
    LittleLamb likes this.
  13. Laughsalot

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2017
    Messages:
    226
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    Northern Ireland, UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey and welcome to the forum!

    We actually have quite a lot in common. We are around the same age, I am not out to most people mainly because I am unemployed (due to health problems) and am still living at home. I too live in a conservative area where many people, including many of my friends and family, are homophobic.

    I have been visiting this site for quite some time now. I post sometimes, and at other times I just browse through the posts and read about other people's experiences. I have found everyone extremely welcoming and that being here has been a very helpful thing for me. I've been on other sites and some of them are horrific but this place is different.

    I have to agree with weary - you really do seem so down on yourself. I understand that, I really do, but you don't need to defend being yourself here! No-one expects you to fit into a category or to be anyone but yourself.
     
  14. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    Thanks for commenting. If I seem 'down on myself' it's probably because I have depression and right now I'm going through a difficult time. I wasn't trying to alarm anyone, and I do apologize if you or Weary found my post troubling. I've just been needing to vent so to say and since I've had bad luck with advice columinists, forums and sites I came here.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  15. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You are a full-time caregiver for your grandmother. Wow! It takes a strong, patient and loving person to fulfill that role. Many people could not. Start giving yourself credit for your character strengths and achievements and you will gradually begin to accept yourself as a strong, loving gay woman.
     
    UMedusa and Drizzle like this.
  16. Laughsalot

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2017
    Messages:
    226
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    Northern Ireland, UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I understand. I have recurring problems with depression myself. I think that is why I was slightly alarmed by how you were speaking about yourself - I've been there, done that, know how horrible it is to feel the feelings that make you need to vent like that! Don't apologise - you have every right to have a vent! Just know that we aren't here to judge and are happy to get to know you, the real you.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  17. Nic2552

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2018
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    116
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    By the look of your responds , there's a lot more people on here that can relate to you. There's always people out there that are going through the same exact experience or feelings as you. I too find it hard to make friends out in the real world because of my social anxiety and that's why I'm on here. I'm a lesbian and most of all people consider me a pretty fem but I don't want to be catorgize as anything.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  18. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sorry if my post upset you in some way. I didn’t pick up the bit about moderators from your OP. Regardless, I’m still sorry you’ve had negative experiences.
     
  19. weary

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2018
    Messages:
    352
    Likes Received:
    270
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    @LittleLamb
    I was in no way trying to be down on you. We all need a place we can vent and discuss issues. I just know keeping a positive attitude even when things are at the worst does make a difference in the turnaround. Please feel free to vent, rant, scream and yell whenever you need. We are here, all of us, in similar situations trying to figure something out.
     
  20. LittleLamb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2018
    Messages:
    54
    Likes Received:
    13
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all

    You didn't upset me, I just wanted to clear things up. I apologize if my tone was off.