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I need a hug!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PerdHapley, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. PerdHapley

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    I don't have many friends and my relationship with my mother is not so great.

    I have three friends where I live but they're busy people so I spend a lot of time alone. The majority of people I considered friends at university have either ghosted me or don't bother get in touch. I was depressed at university but I was a good friend to them and it hurts to be treated like that.

    In July I came out to my mum for the third time in my life. This time round, I didn't back down and she went ballistic and told me never to talk to her about it again. She barely spoke to me for two weeks and when she finally did, she went on a tirade about how I never tell her anything and don't want her in my life and she didn't know what she'd done to me. Things felt like they were back to normal after that. And then last week, just when I was starting to feel good about myself again, she casually told me during dinner that the only reason I like women is because "you think you're unattractive and you're afraid of having a relationship with a man". It killed me even more than her tantrum because she deliberately played up on my insecurities and now means I'm going to have to come out to her for a fourth time.

    All of this has been ebbing away my confidence and self-esteem. I feel like an unlikable, confused freak. I had a better sense of self when I was younger. I was always different, not just from my family but also my peers at school. I'd actually resolved to not come back home once I left for university because I needed to be free from all of their expectations judgements. And then my grandma died when I was 17 and I started putting them first and conforming to the status quo.

    I feel so fragile and alone. I'm so tired, especially of fighting with my mum. I honestly feel like giving up and just doing what is expected of me. Ignorance is bliss right?

    If anyone has a virtual hug to spare, please send one over! I could really use some cyber comfort right now :cry:
     
  2. slickrick

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    Sending love and hugs your way dear, I've been where you and I know how painful and isolating it can be. Good on you for not backing down. Stay true to yourself and let your mum deal with her own intolerance issues. Hit me up if you fancy a chat xxxxx
     
  3. HappyGirlLucky

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    A lot of my friends from school have all become busy with partners and children these days, so I know how that is. They are great friends, just super busy! I have a few newer ones who don't want children yet (or ever), so I mostly spend time with them. You could try to make some new ones if your old friends are busy?

    My mother was not too pleased when I came out to her, but she is coming around now. I hope yours will in time too, but if she doesn't, just remember it's not your fault. You can't turn gay because you feel unattractive, lesbians aren't any less picky than men and there are way fewer of us, so that would be a bad idea anyway. I am sure you are a lovely person, so please don't feel bad because of what she said. Big hugs! (&&&)
     
  4. idsm

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  5. Knight Wilson

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    First of all, PerdHapley, your username is awesome. Perd Hapley is the greatest thing to happen to television in the history of ever.

    Now with that out of the way, gosh we do sound very similar. I, too, don't have a lot of friends and my relationship with my family is far from great. (My family treats me like Meg from Family Guy.) I've had friends and dates completely ghost me as well. It's not fun.

    But your situation with your mom sounds a lot like something I went through with my aunt. While I haven't bothered to come out to my family for a number of reasons, but I think it's fairly obvious that I'm gay. Every time I'd call her on the phone, the conversation some how always got steered to the topic of gay people and how she can't stand them. Even when I called to tell her about my new job in the city, she somehow brought up that there are a lot gay people downtown and how she wouldn't want them to turn me gay. It's almost comical how that was one of the only things on her mind when I told her about my new job.

    Anyway, I naturally stopped talking to her for several weeks until I got a birthday card from her in the mail I figured I'd have to call to say thanks at least even though I really wanted to just pretend I never got it. When I called she made it seem like I wasn't talking to her and asked what it was she said. I thought it was a bit silly that she was acting like she didn't know why. I just lied and said I wasn't ignoring her and that I was busy.

    Maybe I should just get to the point: It seems to me that it's difficult for a lot of family members to accept that a son, daughter, niece, nephew or cousin might be gay, so they go into denial and try to avoid that the subject was ever brought up or they make it seem like you're the problem and you can somehow magically turn straight to match whatever they think is best for you.

    And the reason why they want you to be straight is because of the all the nonsense and misinformation around gay people. In my case, for whatever reason, it seems like my aunt thinks I'll turn into one of those flamboyant gay guys, but that's not who I am. Judging from the homophobic things my parents have said, they'd likely think that I'd get AIDS or that it's a sin or something.

    In an odd way this homophobic nonsense you're dealing with from your mom is really just her trying to care and wanting the best for you, but (and this is a big but) she basing what she thinks is best for you on a lot of just straight up incorrect information on what it is to be gay/lesbian. She apparently doesn't realize that this isn't a choice, and that by not accepting you as you are, she's doing much more harm for good and is making your life much worse.

    Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do about her prejudices. Coming out to her a fourth time isn't going to you or her any good when she already knows you're a lesbian but just doesn't understand that it's her view of you that's the problem.

    If you want, I think it would be better to give her some books or websites to read on the specific things that's bugging her about you being a lesbian so she can see for herself that what she's thinking is ridiculous. She might read it, she might not, but I think that's on her. If she really cares about you, she'd look into it and read it. If she just wants to hold on to her old prejudices, then whatever.

    Just know that love always trumps hate and there will always be someone who loves you for you, even if it's not your family. They do exist. I'm one. I admire how you're trying to live a true and authentic life and are reaching out to others for help. I honestly feel like I forget people love and care about me, too, especially since I don't have very many friends, but I have to remind myself that they are there.

    Oh, and my self-confidence and self-esteem is pretty low, too. But can you blame us for what we have to go through for being gay/lesbian? I'd recommend getting a streaming service like Spotify, Apple Music or Tidal, loading up a playlist with every positive song self-affirming song you know and playing it on a loop. It's almost subliminal. It's a great way to weed out the self-defeating thoughts out of your head when your mind has nothing better to do than just make you feel like crap. Try some mediation apps like Omvana and Calm and listen to the recordings there that will build your self-esteem. I'd also recommend reading some self-help books. Just the generic Self-Esteem for Dummies or Teach Yourself books should help a bit.

    And you are beautiful, you are likeable, you're not confused, you're not a freak, you're stronger than you might think and you're certainly not alone. I'm here, and everyone else on this site is rooting for you. (*hug*)
     
  6. elyell77

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  7. PerdHapley

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    Thank you everyone for being so kind! You've no idea how much you cheered me up today, I'm really touched.

    I am working on this. I have a bad habit of taking what she says to heart even though I know it's BS. Thank you for offering to chat :slight_smile:

    No kids yet for my friends but they're all off doing their own thing: saving up for school, volunteering and travelling etc. and I'm 100% happy for them and I love hearing about what they get up to. It's so odd because I didn't really feel like I needed the company until after that conversation with my mum in July. I think the year since I graduated uni has had a "slow burn" effect on me and my self-esteem. I have joined a volunteer group so hopefully I can meet some new people there. If all else fails, I go back to school in October so there will be loads of potential buddies there too.

    As for the last part, it's started to feel like I am making a choice: myself and what I want or her and my family. Either way I feel screwed :eusa_doh:
     
  8. silverhalo

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    (*hug*)(&&&)(*hug*)
     
  9. HappyGirlLucky

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    It's great that you have so many opportunities to make new friends! :slight_smile:

    She is the one making the choice, not you. You have no option but to be yourself while she is choosing ignorance over love and acceptance of her own daughter. It is a really crappy situation though, I know. :frowning2: I was there too and actually stopped talking to my mother until she realized she was going to lose me if she didn't change her views. It was a super difficult thing to do, and I hope if you decide to stop talking to your mother that she too realizes that ignorance is not worth losing a child over. (*hug*)
     
  10. logansarah

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    I feel like that too most of the time. I hope you feel better and get something great soon. Virtual Hug. If you ever need someone to talk sent me a wall chat.
     
  11. PerdHapley

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    Haha. Perd Hapley is an amazing character! It's nice to see a Parks and Rec fan on here :grin:

    Knight Wilson I want to give you a hug too (*hug*) Your post has just made me stop my 3 day long sweets-cookies-and-Vanderpump-Rules binge and go meditate to calm myself down and focus my energy on myself (I downloaded Calm and I will try Omvana too).

    Aww. I get the Meg reference :frowning2: Feeling invisible around your family sucks, especially when it feels like you don't really fit in. Ghosting? I think it's the rejection without knowing exactly why you're being forgotten about or ignored that ultimately does it, and it's something that is so easy for people to do nowadays. It's rude, but it's just another part of social interaction...

    What you explained sounds like my mum. First time round I was about 15 and she just sat there like "no you're not" and I said I was joking; second time round I was 19 having gone through a period of throwing myself at men and approached it more timidly: she said it was just a phase and let me think I was having some period of OCD or anxiety about relationships (I went borderline bible-basher by that point); in July it was a combination of what was said when I was 15 and 19 and then a massive guilt trip/tantrum about how it was sinful and she didn't want this from her daughter, she wanted grandkids, "how could you do this to me?!" etc...

    I know deep down she wants what is best for me but it sucks that she doesn't realise (or care about) how much her words and actions hurt me and mess with my head. When we have these conversations I either feel like she's right or I'm doing something wrong but at the same time like she doesn't even respect me or my feelings. I feel confused, sad, angry and guilty at the same time. I consider trying things her way and then everyone will be happy (my mindset goes: I've made myself I like guys before, I can do it again). I wind up feeling like a little kid.

    Unfortunately she wouldn't hear me out when I tried to explain things to her two months ago, which, again, sucks because I have had problems with anxiety and depression and an eating disorder which I realised were significantly made worse by hiding and then subsequently struggling to come to terms with with my sexuality. My dad tried but clearly it hasn't worked.

    Thank you for your kind words. It is true that some days you have to be your own cheerleader and remind yourself that your feelings are valid, there's nothing wrong with you and you are healthy and safe and loved. I will find a playlist on Spotify to listen to before bed and I'm going to attempt to make a vision board full of the things that make me feel like myself and make me feel happy and loved this weekend :slight_smile:

    Thanks again! (*hug*)
     
  12. Stryker

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    hey im real sorry for the reaction you received. i feel ya. i know it's hard, but you have to stay strong.
     
  13. PerdHapley

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    I think I need to figure out what is the best next step for me. I don't really know what I want any more :bang:
     
  14. RavenWing

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    Much love and hugs being sent your way!~
     
  15. Hobbes

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    (&&&) We are here to help you. (&&&)

    "Don't let the Muggles get you down, eh?"
     
  16. GayBatman

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    I'm so sorry. I can relate to your situation. I have only two friends myself and I barely get to see them. Also I'm in love with one of them. Also it will get better. Have some hugs. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #16 GayBatman, Sep 3, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2016
  17. PerdHapley

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    That should be my new mantra! You've got me thinking of the future as a trip to Hogwarts now :eusa_danc

    Thanks for the love everyone (&&&)