As toxic as she was for me, and I for her, I miss the first woman I have known intimately as an adult. I cut ties with her because I want to move on, and because I don't trust her. As crazy as we can be, I do miss her. I feel that I can't talk about this to my husband. Although he instigated the threesome, I feel he expects me to cut all feelings for her. He is very judgemental, so I want to protect my heart from that. He says he accepts my sexuality, but his actions speak otherwise. I must live my life to meet his wants and needs, so I feel as though I am sacrificing myself each day. I know and accept that my options are very limited in my community, even if he agrees to an open relationship. But I know better, doing so will only cause doubt and jealousy. Lately I have been craving for a woman's touch, to feel safe. I wish I did not discover who I really am, I don't want to be attracted to women, I don't want to feel safe with another woman. I can't shake it off. In the past, I tried to pray it away, was ashamed of myself for being bi. I know I can't change who I am, how can I embrace it staying in the closet and not revealing my feelings to my husband or the world? I can't take this loneliness. I can't take this limitation. I can't take this frustration. Why do I need to hold and be held by another woman?
Hey I am sorry you are facing such a difficult situation. Im not sure I have any words of wisdom for you but just wanted to offer my sympathies. I am sure over time you will miss her less but I can understand that it doesn't stop you craving a woman. I assume there are very few LGBT people where you live?
Yes Silverhalo, I am in an isolated community of 2800 people and it is toxic homophobic here. I am thankful for this community.
I assume there is no chance of you getting out of that environment? Its also sad because out of the 2800 you cannot be the only LGBT person. It is good that you have EC even if it isn't a perfect scenario it is I am sure better than nothing.
@Mystic flower I am so sorry that you’re feeling this way and that your community is not so open minded. You do have us... I know it’s hard to be virtual, but I really have come to appreciate this group. I can absolutely relate to the feeling of wanting her, despite the dysfunction... oh god can I relate! I literally had to make a list of all the reasons why she was bad for me (and I made mistakes with her too), and when I find myself romanticizing the relationship, I read the list as a reminder. I’ve heard that sometimes our first same sex relationships can be with people who are not good for us...but the release and intoxication keeps us coming back and makes it hard to break it off. The fact that you did - despite how painful it was - is so good for you! Suffering with a broken heart all by yourself is really hard too... I remember fighting back tears at random moments and having to go in the bathroom or my bedroom or the car to just have a hard cry. Still happens sometimes, but much less often. It just feels so wrong to have to keep it to yourself, it’s too much. Is there a therapist or someone like that, that you could talk to?
@Mystic flower I'm so sorry. It really is difficult to be in a small community and/or be isolated by a homophobic belief system, I grew up that way. It really resonated with me that you said you're sacrificing yourself for your husband, I feel like that a lot also. I want to be the wife he needs, so his future can be happy and secure. After all, he's made many sacrifices for me. But when I think of what it means to be comforted, to be loved and to be whole, I can't find that in this marriage. As the others said, if there's anyone in your community you can talk to, a therapist or someone who is open and out of the closet, I'm sure it would help tremendously to know you aren't alone there. And for what it's worth we are always here to offer understanding and encouragement
Thank you all. I am feeling so much better today. I have been going to therapy for the last 5 years, and I'm on my 4th therapist as there is a lot of turn over at the mental health department. I hesitate to continue with this new one, but I know that I should start going again. I need to prepare myself to make an appointment with her. I am also learning to distance myself from my best friend. We are now co-workers at the same department and her office is next to mine. What I don't understand is how I have been a listening ear to her, as she is having an affair (her choice, so I am not going to judge), and talks about the guy any chance she gets. But when I want to talk about my ex, or about not feeling complete, she does not listen well and often changes the subject. So I am distancing myself from her.
I'm glad you are feeling better. Unfortunately people don't always equally give and take in a friendship. I have met many people in my life who are find whilst it's all about them and your helping them but when the tides are turned it's a totally different story.
I too live in a place like you do. Its terribly hard. I too had what in thought was a relationship with a female friend of mine and in the end she just used me and wasnt there for me. I had to break ties but I still miss her or I think I miss the feelings i had when I was with her or near her
I am having a hard time today. For some reason I woke up thinking of my friend I was with...I am fighting the urge to even try to contact her. I cannot get the feelings I had for her out of my mind. I want to feel like that again so badly
Well I feel stupid. I broke down and contacted my old friend on Valentines Day.She played off who I was In guessing she was around others. She texted later and said she would call and didn't. Why did I contact her? Empty promises again..
just saying, down here in florida, i am the only lgbt person in my entire 2nd through 12th grade advanced school of over 3500 people, it's ridiculous
....that you know of! It's highly possible there are others still in the closet. Regardless, as you get older you'll doubtless find more opportunities to meet other LGBT people, especially in college!
okay, fair point, but it's an advanced school, full of rich white people, who are practically known for coming out then ending up not being gay.
Yeah it's sad that there are not more out people and I know right now it's no consolation but it will get better as you get older. School can be a difficult place.
I recently found this quote: "Don't hide love. If you feel it, express it...not to demand that others love you back, but simply to live outwardly the best of what you feel inwardly. The worst that can happen to your heart is not rejection by another person but failure to act on the love you feel." Martha Beck I feel like it's okay to reach out in honesty and love even though it does make a person feel foolish and hurt and rejected sometimes...I also had one of those Valentine Days. But that's okay. I will rather be that, open and honest and vulnerable or at least reaching for it, then someone who can't live their truth. Long-run, that will be more harmful and regretful for one's life. Living in the moment, experiencing the missing, trusting that it means something is all okay. Have faith in yourself that you will know what to do next. Perhaps after you declare that love, you start to love yourself even more, providing whatever protections you need to move forward to a love that will treat you the way you deserve and that you can give all that power and bravery and love back to. Because ultimately someone powerful enough to be vulnerable is someone good and healthy to have.
