I Messed up Big Time with straight friend

I know i've been using the support and advice forum a lot lately so heres a new one to add to my list of problems.

My straight friend in the army invited me to a BBQ last night... Yeah it is going there

So it was all fun eventually music got turned on i started dancing and then he started hitting on me. Now he has sort of done that before but never like this and this was the first time i was staying with him in his room just the two of us for the night... He started talking a little dirty before we where even there and even started trying to pump drinks into me but at this point i was drunk and he was trashed. I stupidly broke the liquor after beer rule which only made this mess up more inevitable... I've kind of wanted this to happen i guess, i mean he's this built "straight" military guy and sort of fulfills a fantasy of mine so you can imagine i feel even more like i let this happen.

The fact is he is from Texas, born in a religious homophobic family but he himself has been very accepting and obviously questionable... He admitted i was only the second guy he has ever messed around with and still was adamant about being into women. Anyways we have been good friends for almost a year now and i feel terrible. I feel like i took advantage, and worse i'm worried he is never going to talk to me again or freak out or worse, i really have no way to gauge his reaction.

We only fooled around, nothing to serious, oral and fingering mostly me being the receiver of both, he was drunk and having trouble... But then afterwards he wanted to cuddle and i was really torn. I went back and forth from wanting to to getting myself as far away from him as possible. I was freaking out i feel like i may have totally ruined everything between the two of us as friends. Not to mention i promised i would never put someone in that position if they where unsure of there sexuality because i feel like that is really fucked up.

Finally i lost it got all my shit and basically ran away at like 330am. I called my lesbian navy friend who also knows him freaking out and went to her room and we talked and she took me back to my car and we got Mcdonalds but i'm still freaking out. She promised she wouldn't tell anybody, but i don't know if he will remember anything, and i don't know what will happen when he waked up and sees i'm not there, or if he will even remember i slept in his room.

Last time he acted flirty towards me he spent weeks avoiding me so i really worry this will wreck everything between us. And on top of that i am the person that doesn't do one night stands and gets attached and he is like a fucking fantasy to me. I don't want to get my hopes up and i don't want our friendship to be ruined and at the same time i want some impossible fairy tale to come of it... Idk what to do or how to handle it, this is the first time i've been in any situation close to this what do i do!?

I apologize if this post is rambling or hard to understand i still may be a tad drunk i haven't slept, and i'm just freaking out:help::help::help: I'm just going between wanting to cry cause i feel like i fucked up so bad and being worried that he is ok, and worrying about what will happen tomorrow and if he will freak.:help::help::help::help::help::help::help:

 

ok so he texted me at about 6am

him- WTF where did you go
me- i woke up and hitched a ride with (mutual lesbian navy friend we will call her X)
him- look nothing has changed right? i kinda feel bad
me- nothings changed i guess i was kind of worried about what was gonna happen this morning though. cause your my friend and i feel like i did something stupid that jeopardized that because i wasn't sure how you would react later (i'm going on 2 hours of sleep and still tipsy btw)
him- I know what happened and it's cool not much more from(than?) that but i let you know that last night as shitty as it sounds, that stays between you and me (he was still apparently drunk at this point i cleaned up his text) there than? that we are still friends just as i remember you from yesterday
me- ok good cause i was really worried about it and about putting you in a bad or an awkward position or something
him- nah dude im good besides friends are worth everything in my book
me- good i feel a lot better (half true) cause honestly i was freaking out about it earlier
him- you didn't tell X did you?
me- No i just told her i needed to go home and she was already up getting ready for work (lie she knows i called her 30 mins before she needed to get up to save me while i was losing it)
him- gotcha still could have waken my ass up prick, JK. Let me know if you need anything i'm going back to bed
me- lol k thanks man ill ttyl


so it's semi resolved i guess... but now im still in a sticky situation. I told X not to tell anyone and i assume she understands the delicate situation as she is a lesbian and has been in this situation before. But i'm still worried when it comes down to it there are gonna be problems... like it may all be talk. i figure it is better he thinks it is still just his secret i guess i feel bad for saying anything but i needed to talk to someone and she was the only one who i could think of to help me out where i was with no car, no jacket, and no place to sleep because i was freaking out about going back to my friends room.

idk i didn't even enjoy it that much because of all the fucking stress accompanying it and now i'm in my "what if it happens again" zone thinking up 10000 scenarios for how it will play out from tragic to perfect and it drives me crazy that i feel like i have no control over it...

 

ok so i sort of wish i had an opportunity to read the responses i got because i was pretty much a mess all day freaking out about how i thought this would screw everything up and how i felt like his drunken words where just that and when i saw him again it would all go south. So my friend knew i was upset and finally got it out of me, i trust her completely with the information and she is one of the best people for advice i know so she convinced me to txt him and say we needed to talk face to face and clear the air. So here is the jist of that experience.

1) Denial is the word of the day, he wants to pretend it never happened (his words) and continue on as if it never occurred
2) He blamed it on the alcohol on his sex drive etc said that wasn't something he is ok with doing
3) He claimed to not remember very much of it (i could tell he was lying on this one)
4) He made sure to play up his "straightness" trying to go on about business as usual with a little bit of extra "so this hot girl" talk and such. I at least made him stick to that reinforcing the fact that we are still hanging out later in the week.

He sort of tried to blow off one of those plans we made which was another fun time drinking at the barracks.... i doubt that will get blown off as my other friends will likely invite me

Now i'm just trying to give him some space and act normal i guess... he is still a tad awkward with me but it seems to be about as bad as the occasional times when he got flirty with me and got weird for a couple weeks.

Now i'm just worried about whats going to happen if he decides its a good idea to just bury that stuff. Also from what i know i am only the second guy hes been involved with but i think i was the most involved he has been with a guy.

I wanted to put myself out there as "hey if you want to talk about it then you can talk to me" but he seemed so set on wanting to ignore it all that i worried if i did that he would push away to get away from it all and i'd lose him.

Right now i'm just of the persuasion to let the cards fall where they fall and start working on getting over any high hopes i had and trying to get it back to a functional friendship, which is proving to be a challenge, i am still worried about losing him as a friend and i don't know what i am going to do next time if we find ourselves in a similar situation.

i doubt it will happen again unless we are both drunk and even then there is a huge likelihood that he will opt for me to stay in someone else's room. But if i do end up in the same situation i honestly don't know if i will be able to say no cause i honestly want to do it and i honestly don't want to at the same time. I know the damage that it can and probably will cause but the optimist in me wants to think it may be ok.

Idk i hope i'm taking the right approach all i know is we seem ok and i do feel better upon seeing him face to face and i think it will be easy for him to go back to acting normally to me but i don't know if i'll be able to be the same way.

 

well so far 2 people besides me know. One is in the Navy and also a friend of his and a lesbian and i know i can trust her i'd trust her with my life. The other i've talked to and she understands the seriousness of the situation and is also friends with him and wants to look out for his best interest. I made sure she understood that this is the kind of thing people have killed themselves over when it got out i trust her.

I was really drunk when it happened the problem is i was also literally smack dab in the middle of a scenario i'd almost expected or hoped to happen at one point in our relationship... the thing was i'd convinced myself very thoroughly that it wouldn't earlier on in our friendship as i did have a tiny crush on him like 6+ months ago, in the forbidden fruit school girl crush way xD

I'm definitely waiting for him to come to me about stuff or the next scenario like this in which to put myself in the role of someone he can talk to about it. And i've thought about it enough and am confident that i will be able to stop myself from doing anything stupid like this again.

I'm still dealing with some of my own issues with it all and it has got me a little down but i'm gonna ask my mom to make me an appt with my councilor i use to see under the guise of a recommended yearly mental health check up so i can deal with my stuff and get some professional advice on how to proceed given the delicate situation. Every day since then has been a little better right now i'm just trying to do things to keep my mind off it because scenes of that night keep coming back into my head whenever i'm not thinking of something else...

 

i'm not sure how to go about asking my mom to let me see the councilor... i used to go regularly but only when i was really depressed, and she wasn't so keen on it when i brought up the benefits of a yearly psych check up.

I don't feel comfortable telling her the events of the night more so because drinking was involved and i also don't want her to think i'm all depressed again. Also i know the co-pay on that stuff could be steep but i don't know and would make the appt myself but i'm afraid there will be a co-pay and then i will be stuck and she will figure out. So i could use some help there, i was thinking maybe i could go and ask what the co-pay would be but i remember it was always different when i used to go. But i really do want a professional opinion on how to proceed because i do worry how it could turn out and think a trained professional would give the best advice.

On a semi- related note i can't stop thinking about this stuff. It is consuming my mind and every second i'm not mentally occupied i am thinking of what if's and replaying the night over and over. It is becoming very stressful for multiple reasons.
1) I hate picturing some of those better moments and having to tell myself that it can't/won't happen again and stuff just won't work out the way i wish it could
2) The what if's are worrying me because i'm playing every scenario i can think of uncontrollably from somehow it getting out and him killing himself to we live happily ever after and then i have to remind myself to stop thinking up bullshit and it gets me down.

Any suggestions appreciated

 

correction: suggestions needed