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I masturbate often and I am gay in fantasies and porn, asexual in real life.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by fonduepizz, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. fonduepizz

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    Hi all, I'm an early 20s male. The current issue with my sexuality is that I am gay in fantasies and porn but borderline asexual in real life. It's been like this ever since I first discovered gay porn in my teens. I masturbate often, at most once a day. I can masturbate and climax to normal vanilla gay porn in real life. In fact, it doesn't have to be gay porn, I can get off to watching guys simply make out and engage in foreplay. The point is I get turned on by the sight of two guys being intimate with each other but I don't really put myself in the situation. I've tried watching straight or lesbian porn but they don't turn me on as much as gay porn does.

    When it comes to my fantasies, I fantasize about being in romantic/sexual scenarios with men but the majority of the time, the men I fantasize about are random and faceless. The second I try to attach a face to the masculine body I fantasize about in my head, my boner dies down most of the time. Sometimes, I imagine myself as someone else, a more manly and muscular version of myself in my fantasies, but this probably boils down to me having low self esteem and not being satisfied with myself to the extent that I have to picture myself as somebody else in my head. I've tried fantasizing about women (faceless or not) and it does not turn me on at all.

    When it comes to my experiences with other guys in real life, I've never had a full blown romantic crush on a guy before. I've never even had a male celebrity crush, but I've had several platonic crushes in high school and university that have more to do with me admiring them I guess because they possess the traits I lack. My platonic crushes have the exact same elements of a romantic crush, like thinking about them a lot, wanting to be near them, pretending to be interested in things I am not usually interested in to impress them, being nervous and giddy around them, feeling slighty jealous when I see them hang out more with someone else, but I don't actually want to be in a relationship with them. When I found out that I would be separated from one of those crushes it felt very similar to me experiencing a break up.

    So emptyclosets what is wrong with me? Is there anyone out there who is in the same exact situation as I am? I've fallen down the tumblr rabbit hole when it comes to describing my sexuality and I'd prefer it if I don't use their (mostly made up) terms.
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi and welcome.

    First off, nothing in what you describe would meet the widely recogniEd definition of asexual. I don't think that's your issue.

    It seems clear you are attracted and aroused by guys pretty strongly and not so to women. Thi, to me, points to your being gay.

    Now... As for the faceless masturbation fantasies and lack of desire toward meeting up with people, my guess is this is tied to the self esteem and worthiness issues you mention.

    If you don't believe anyone would want to be with you, then it makes sense that associating a for to the fantasy would kill arousal, as your worthiness would get in the way.

    The good news is... You are already at least somewhat aware of the issue. So the next step is to work on the self esteem issues. That will take some time and may require working with a therapist.

    In the meantime, thought, I'd suggest watching Brené Brown's TED talks (the Power of Vulnerability; The Price of Invulnerability; Listening to Shame) as those will give you a start in understanding the issues.

    And continuing to talk about what you are experiencing here will be a huge help in bringing out the feelings and experiences that will help overcome these issues.
     
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  3. Pole star

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    I read your post with interest and ceratin aspects resonated with me. First of all there is nothing wrong with you.
    Some of the things you mention would be exactly how I behaved years ago when I had not realised my sexuality.
    I would describe it as just having a crush on someone you like. I don't know if you can say if it is a platonic crush or a romantic crush. A crush is just that - a crush. It reads more like romantic attraction to me and is very normal. Why else would you feel a near break up feeling? Some transient emotional attachment.
    I have been through similar feelings and looking back it was a crush because I was attracted to them but I simply did not believe and accept that and instead reasoned that I was admiring them. This happened because I had issues with confidence and self esteem (probably from not understanding and accepting my sexuality). I realised that much later. I have read others on this forum who have also described their feelings for others as 'admiration'.
    If you can identify any issues that impact on your self esteem please feel free to discuss here. A therapist would be able to help you too.
     
    #3 Pole star, Feb 13, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2018
  4. mpw94

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    Everyone is a little bit asexual or more asexual to be honest. From my experience and other people who I asked since I was curious alot of sexuals behave like asexuals or have similar experience like asexuals when not in love. (however there are *cought* sluts *cought* who kinda wanna fuck everyone who they see).
    I felt for asexual meme for the reason that I do not masturbate (I have high/normal libido) and I do not like the idea of having sex with random people. Secondly, The faceless men are pretty normal when you are not in love or attracted to a particular person in my humble opinion.
    My point is that when you find someone who you are attracted to (fall in love actually and not just admire his looks or a small crush) then the faceless man starts to have a face.
    Thirdly, romantic crush takes time, and the right person (for example some people are not able to fall in love with someone who is not attracted to them back or share the same attitude towards life).
     
  5. Chip

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    Just for clarification... not masturbating does not make one asexual. However, someone who masturbates probably isn't asexual. This based on the actual widely and commonly used definition of asexuality by professionals in the field, rather than the "alternative" definition promoted (entirely evidence-free) by a small but vocal group of people.
     
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  6. anonmember

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    It's okay to be whatever you want to be. You should never be ashamed of who you are.
     
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  7. mpw94

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    I totally agree; however, I just wonder who started first to oversexualize sexual orientations (basically this meme which says you are not gay if you dont like to have sex with random guys)? I wonder if it was lgbt who pushed away guys who are into romantic relationships, or was it real asexuals who wanted to have louder asexual group so they change the definition of asexuality to "if you are not a slut then you are asexual"?
    Also are you aware that some sexuals are able to live in asexual relationship without a problem (actually I know a couple who does it).
     
    #7 mpw94, Feb 14, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2018
  8. Toromova

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    If anything the gay community seems to fight the stereotype that gay guys want to hook-up with a lot of random guys. I think that others, including that loud & vocal group, who push the stereotypes that all gay guys just wanna hook-up. Some to advance their own agenda and others to tear down gay guys.

    There are plenty of gay monogamous couples and men out there that don’t hook-up with random guys. Now, is the stereotype deserving for others? Yeah, sure it is. We’re guys and for many when you get more than one of us in a room someone is thinking of sex. Personally, I was a bit of a slut with both guys and girls before I got married. I likely deserved the stereotype.

    As far as I know, and I’m no psychologist, but asexual means you don’t engage in any sex, not just sex with others. I may be off, I’m only stating my understanding of the term. If I had to guess, and again I’m not a professional, I think Fondue is gay & either not realizing or not accepting of that yet. And there’s nothing wrong with that, we all should be allowed to do things in our own time. I hope he sorts it out for his own happiness.
     
  9. Chip

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    Toromova pretty much has it right. I don't pay much attention to memes, or for that matter, to unrecognized identities, definitions, or organizations promoting them. I do think it's important to ensure people get accurate, evidence-based information on which to inform their decisions, so when I speak out about things like definitions, it's with that in mind.
     
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  10. Myclosetisfull

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    Gay guys are guys. Research shows gay and bisexual guys have the same rate of desire to sleep with other people as straight identifying guys with a marginal difference (less than 10% in the studies I have seen). However, they may be able to fulfill their desire more as men in general are more comfortable with casual sex and therefore the odds are higher of it occurring per capita of homosexual men is higher when compared to heterosexual men and a random female.
     
  11. Toromova

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    Nothing you’ve said contradicts what I said and nothing I said contradicts what you said. The added things I stated is that the gay community fights this stereotype (they do) and those who want to push the stereotype do it for their own reasons and none seem to be constructive to the gay community. I agreed that this can be a deserved stereotype and in fact I’ve personally fed that story through my own actions.

    But yeah, gay guys are guys. The only reason straight guys don’t have sex more is because straight girls say “no”. Take that reason away and well… what do you get?
     
  12. E H Wildflower

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    It seems this conversation got derailed a bit, but I'd like to put my two cents in on the original question.
    What you're describing here sounds to me like a squish, which is a term is used primarily by the aromantic community to describe a feeling that's like a crush, but not romantic. If you've experienced that, but not many or any romantic crushes, you might be on the aromantic spectrum. (Sexual orientation and romantic orientation don't necessarily correlate, so it is possible to be aromantic or otherwise on the aromantic spectrum and also gay.) However, I see others' point that someone who is gay in the traditional sense (homosexual and homoromantic) but does not fully accept that fact might explain their feelings similarly.
     
  13. Chip

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    Just a note... there's no credible evidence for a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, and almost none of the professionals in the field or those researching in the field find this idea credible. Again, there's a small but obnoxiously vocal contingent that is entirely fact-free (many from Tumblr or other places of dubious credibility) that puts forth these ideas, with dozens of unrecognized labels, terms, and concepts that have absolutely nothing to back them up.

    In general, our experience is that these concepts often just gum up people's understanding and delay their self-acceptance and understanding. I would personally suggest discarding these concepts.

    That said, for those who have found the concepts useful... I have no problem with them making use of them. Where we draw the line is in promoting unrecognized concepts/ideas as EC has taken a position that promoting evidence-based understanding is crucial to helping people make wise and well-informed decisions.
     
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  14. mpw94

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    I disagree, I am a guy and I said "no" to a straight girl. So there are different types of guys, not all guys are sluts.
    Actually there are many heterosexual guys who have no interest in having sex with random girls.
    and ironically I read about this over and over again on anonymous forums like "am I gay if I don't wanna sleep with a random girl". This stereotype "guys are guys" is the biggest BS I have ever heard.
    Additionally, I have met some girls who are into anonymous sex, so what are these girls transgender? (no! there are different types of guys and girls)
     
    #14 mpw94, Feb 15, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2018