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I love my baby brother - no matter what he is!

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Ilovemybro, Aug 25, 2017.

  1. Ilovemybro

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    Hi everyone,

    I've never posted on a public thread but I need to ask the LGBT community for help and advice!
    After years of knowing and doubting that my baby 14-year-old might be gay or trans or whatever (he used to dress up in our mom's clothes since he was like 6 or 7), I finally found out for sure that he is after seeing some things on his phone like daily gay porn and questioning google about gay celebrities and whether he can die from gay sex (poor baby!). Then I saw that he had talked to his best friend (a girl) about him being suicidal and possibly trans and asking his friend "Am I trans?".

    Needless to say, I basically raised this kid myself and NEEDED him to know that I love him no matter what he is and I support him 100% and always will. He's just a 14 year old kid and I'm so scared for him with all the bullying at school and his inner confusion. So I finally confronted him today and told him that I'm here for him I love him I won't ever judge him, etc. He denied denied DENIED. I kept repeating how I even love him MORE because of this , but he kept saying how that's so "disgusting, EWWW, how can you even think that??" then he threatened to leave (he flew across the country to visit me) so I gave up. A few minutes later...he finally SORT OF admitted it. He said he's confused and doesn't know right now but that he doesn't like to be labeled as anything. I 100% agreed with him and promised him I'd never label him. What can I do to help him?? Should I bring him to gay clubs? Or to the LGBT neighbourhoods? Should I find someone that is trans and can talk to him?

    Our mom and dad are extremely homophobic (unfortunately they were raised in a homophobic middle eastern society) and I already spoke to my mom about "WHAT IF" he was, and she basically said she'd kill herself. So that's that! There's no way coming out to them and I have to make sure this stays between him and I - at least for now.

    I love my baby brother more than anything in this world, I even have a tattoo with his name on me! Whenever I see him, I just see that little baby ...the first time I laid my eyes on him when he was all bloody straight from our mom's womb... he will always be that little baby to me.

    Please help a sister out (literally!)

    Thanks everyone :*
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hello Ilovemybro! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    The main thing that you can do for your brother is just to be there for him and support him. Just make sure that he knows that he can confide in you, regardless of the issue and that you will always have unconditional love for him.

    The journey he is on to understand and accept his sexuality and, possibly, his gender identity, is one that he has to take alone. Confronting him and trying to force him to Come Out was not a good thing to do. LGBTQ people Come Out when we are ready to Come Out. Forcing someone Out before they are ready can be emotionally traumatic. You can't push him along, he has to do this at his own pace. But now that he knows that you will be there to support him, he should have some relief.

    One thing you might do is to direct him to this website where he can interact with other LGBTQ people and get a better understanding of his sexuality and gender identity. We can provide him perspective on many of his concerns.

    Another thing that you might do for yourself is to do some research on sexuality and transgender issues. You could check out PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). There may be a local chapter nearby and they usually host support groups for people in your type of situation who want to support their (potentially) LGBTQ friends or family members. You might also want to download and read their pamphlet Our Children to gain a better understanding of what he is going through.

    I hope that helps.:slight_smile:
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Aug 26, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2017
  3. JaimeGaye

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    Always remain supportive and always remind him that you are supportive.
    That suicide thing is a major issue that needs to be addressed even if that means seeking professional council. There is no positive reason to end ones own life because they are experiencing difficulties at that point in time, these will pass given time.
    As far as full disclosure coming out, it is probably best given his/her situation that he/she not do so at the present time but being able to be open and honest with you as a supporter and adviser will be a huge influence on a positive later outcome
     
    #3 JaimeGaye, Aug 26, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2017
  4. StarRunner

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    I think the best thing you can do is just let him know that you care and that you are available anytime to talk to him about it. If he is struggling with his orientation then you don't want to force him into talking about something he is not ready to talk about. Go easy with him. It requires tact and gentleness.

    The issue of suicide concerns me greatly, having been through it myself. Perhaps one way to support is connect him to an LGBTQ hotline. They can give him specialized support and refer him to resources in his community.

    Helpline support:
    https://www.glbthotline.org/hotline.html
    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

    I feel for you. You obviously care deeply for him. He likely needs time to sort out his own feelings before you can have a meaningful, open conversation. He knows you're there, that's the most important thing. Patience is a necessity.
     
    #4 StarRunner, Sep 5, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2017
  5. Eveline

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    I would consider meeting up with a counceller or therapist that is experienced with lgbt issues and talking to them or going to a support group for family of lgbt people. To help your brother, you need to be at peace with yourself and not act out of anxiety or fear. The worst thing you could do is to out him to anyone you know. Unfortunately, in many ways this is one of the hardest things not to do, because if something is making you worried or anxious your natural instincts are to share this with others who are close to you, to help you cope. That's why talking to a therapist or attending a support group can be helpful in such situations as they give you a safe place to express your fears and anxieties without risk of it hurting your brother.

    It's wonderful that you want to help him cope and are so accepting. One of the hardest things I've dealt with was the reaction of my siblings when I came out and how unaccepting and unsupportive they were. I am still extremely close to them but the memories will always be sad and painful and haunt me to a certain extent. Saying the right thing can be hard, its important to know how to go along with him and not push him to take steps he is not ready to take, it can take years to truly accept yourself and it is important to be patient. It has to come from him but letting him know that you are there for him and that if he ever needs you for anything, that he should not be afraid to contact you because you love him and will always be there for him no matter what.

    hugs,

    Eveline