I like my friend but I don’t know if I should ever tell her

It is very honourable that you want to spare her any pain, discomfort and awkwardness, I totally get that, however you could also be denying her the ultimate happiness if she did feel the same about you. I know it is horrible to see friends or people you care for get hurt but I also think the hard times in life that we suffer make the good times even sweeter.

 

This reminds me a lot on how i approached my heterosexual relationships or attempts in them prior to me accepting being gay.
In therapy i worked a lot on what my own feelings, desires and needs are, and while i am still an empathic person, i now can allow myself to have needs and to voice them.
I always felt an obligation to be my best possible self and to make everyone happy around me, extremely afraid to do any harm to anyone, leading to me completely disregarding myself.

I do not want to accuse you of this in any way, it is very noble to be empathic and to care about others, but healthy people can care about themselves. And so everyone should. There is no need to save anyone and no kind of obligation to be considerate and thoughtful at all times.
Maybe looking at your own needs, and what you want, and being egoistical could be something that will give you a lot more freedom and satisfaction in this situation and beyond it.

What i noticed when doing so, is that most people do not even have the same needs that i tried to protect, it was simply what people had taught me how i should behave, and by disregarding my own needs nobody gained anything of it in the end. My relationships did even improve since being more aware of what i want and i enjoy spending time with others more, both leading to me even be more popular, feeling more liked and liking myself more.
Maybe, if you allow yourself to follow your needs and desires, without putting the people you value at all times before what you deep down in your heart want, you will even have the chance to notice that others could very well enjoy the things you do an propose to fulfill your needs and desires.

 

I'm sorry about the bad experiences you have made, you are not disposable and you deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are. There is no shame in having desires and needs even if they contradict or conflict with those of others.

I had a similar way of coping, with not feeling safe to be myself around others, by being quite inhibited and formal in interaction. Ironically exactly this had led to me feeling more rejected and not being able to truly connect to others, since i was not emotionally present but instead putting on a front of over-correctness in order to protect myself from being attacked or rejected for who i really am.
It was a long process for me, and i would not have known how to get out of this without my therapist, but now i am very comfortable to be myself around others and i have found real friends, who also respect my needs and try to align their needs with mine.
I used to get shamed excessively for having emotions, needs and desires and i carried the shame from my upbringing into my adult relationships, so far that i even felt judged and ashamed for things that others did not even notice.
Breaking out of this can be really challenging. What helped me a lot was voicing my needs, desires and the things i was ashamed of loudly, more intimate things i had to practice voicing in front of myself first.

Sometimes we also feel subconsciously drawn to people who reinforce our bad self-image and the kind of behaviors that do not do us good, so it can be that your negative thoughts and assumptions will get validated by your crush.
This has nothing to do with your value as a person though, and you do not have to prove the world or her that you are love-able or worthy.
Maybe what you have been taught in your past, simply does put you in a bad position, where there is no way for you to truly win, and you will need to address this first and find and develop new behavior patterns that are more in tune with what you really need and deserve as a human being.

 

Thank you very much
I can only give these compliments back, i was initially very confused when i had read your thread here to be honest, since to me it simply does not add up.
Such a good looking, empathetic, caring and reflective woman having so many bad experiences with other people and her feelings not being reciprocated.
I do not know what kind of excuse my repressed wanna be straight self would have found to not try to be in a relationship with you, but maybe that one would have finally pushed me onto the realization that i indeed was not into women at all.

If i was you, i would still go for your crush, but please keep in mind, that whatever happens is not a sign of you being not lovable or desirable, but maybe simply a result of you not being used to being treated the way you deserve, and subconsciously inviting situations that will make you feel like this was how its supposed to be.

 

Just wanted to say I've read through your thread. You sound like a great person and anyone should be proud to have someone like you as a partner. I hope you're feeling better. If you still need any advice on how to test the water with your friend I'm happy to share my ideas. And I absolutely wouldn't worry about the age gap. With two women it matters so much less than between a man and a woman. I first met my boyfriend when I was 18 and he was 28, and he was incredibly hesitant about the age gap despite us clicking so well. We kept in touch and got to know each other and spent a lot of time together before anything happened precisely because of that. Quite a few people were suspicious of him at the beginning but nobody is anymore 6 years later. At the end of the day though, it really doesn't matter what other people think as long as you're both adults, whatever the age difference is.

 

Ah I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you did nothing wrong, its not easy to get out of the friend zone. Just because it doesn't happen on the first attempt, doesn't mean it'll never happen. Are you 'on the market' in the meantime or holding out for this girl?

 

Hi Anxious!

I was reading through the thread and you sound like a really sweet, gentle, and kind person. I’ve known people that have been in your same spot and I can imagine how difficult it can be, especially when you have feelings for a particular person. I’ve even had crushes where they found out my feelings for them and I felt like maybe I did something wrong. I kept believing and still believe today that there is someone out there for me, just the right person.

I know if it’s her someday or someone else, they’re going to love you for who you are and know how worthy you are. They’ll see your heart and how much value you bring to them. Keep being the awesome and strong person you are and I know things will fall into place!

We’re always here if you need anything!

 

It sounds like it would be a lot easier for you if it was your friend making the moves. I would just try and make yourself look as attractive as possible the next time you see her, go all out! And if you compliment her, she'll maybe compliment you back and then start to think what she might be missing out on. If you have a good friendship and you know she is into women too, the basics are already in place. You just need to get her to think of you in that way and not as just a friend. Think how a straight girl would act if she wanted a male friend to start fancying her. Compliments, smiles, fiddle with your hair, orient yourself towards her, subtle touches all work on guys and work on women the exact same way. Good luck!