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"I know you have a thing for me"

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MrL1011, Jan 12, 2018.

  1. MrL1011

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    Looking for some guidance. I was interested in a guy for 6 months. We got into a fight, and now it's all over... and I think I screwed it all up. When it all happened, I was 22 and he was 20.

    If you don't wanna read the whole story, I guess I'm really just asking what "I know you have a thing for me, so don't beat around the bush" means to you. I got into an argument with a guy I had feelings for, and he yelled this back at me. After he said that, I said some shit about how wrong that was and stormed off.. we haven't talked since, and never will... but, um, did he confess his feelings for me? Did he just try to demean my argument? I'm confused.

    Here's the full story. Sorry if I'm rambling.. it happened in the past, and I just haven't been able to process everything.

    In December, we met at a house party, and hit it off instantly. Him and I followed each other around the party, and hung out/talked like we had known each other for awhile. We didn't kiss or anything like that, but were definitely closer than normal. As the party ended, I asked if he wanted me to drive him (and his roommate) back to his place. During the ride, we chatted about how we'd have to hang out again sometime soon. I reminded him to give him his # while leaving, "hey, how are we gonna get in touch if I don't have your #"?

    Afterwards, I flew home for the Holidays. He texted me "Merry Christmas." I replied back, didn't hear anything.

    In January, we hit each other up to hang out for the first time. We got brunch in Chinatown. We just kinda chatted, and I asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. We planned a night, and on the day of he texted me something like, "woop! woop! you still excited to watch that movie tonight??" We drank while watching the movie, and ended up falling asleep on the couch. I noticed he kinda kept leaning on me, or kept bumping me with his feet (usually on the couch feet-to-feet, cause he's 6' 2" and I'm 5' 10"). I have pretty cuddly straight friends, so I thought he was just being comfortable.

    Fastforward to February, and I've started inviting him over to house parties. We usually crash on the sofa together.. just like I do with my friends, not really cuddling.. just a few dudes too tired to move somewhere else. A few of my friends start asking me who he is, some say they think he likes me.. I like him. But IMO nothing had really happened that would push our friendship into something more. Also, him being the bigger guy.. I thought I'd let him make the moves, if any.

    He ends up asking if I want to see a movie that comes out on Valentine's Day ("Do you want to see this movie on (day)?" not "Do you want to be my Valentine"). I was intrigued, so I said yes. Somehow friends ended up coming along, but we headed back to my place to drink and hang out. We finish a bottle of Whiskey, and end up cuddling on the sofa. First he kinda dozed off sitting next to me. His head dropped into my lap. I pet him for a little bit, and gave him a quick peck on his head. He seemed to be like half-asleep, and then stretched out to fall asleep. I dozed off too. We woke up cuddling feet-to-feet. Got out of sofa, made breakfast, and then headed back downstairs to watch some more tv and ended up cuddling again.

    This continues for a few more weeks. We hang out and party together, watch movies, play Xbox. We really played Xbox all the time, like as much as working and going to school would allow (all our free time). We even watch Netflix shit together, while we're apart. But we never actually hook up, at least not to my memory. And we never talk about "us." At this point, I'm pretty in love with him.. and content with what we had, so I coast along.

    Things get a bit more confusing. We both started drinking more with each other. A lot of times, I'd wake up in bed next to him.. without planning the night that way. When we wake up, sometimes I'd ask him.. or he'd ask me... "how did we get here?" Something cryptic was usually the response..

    I end up flying home again in April, and ask if I can leave my car at his apartment since he lives close the airport. He says yes, of course. I crash at his place the night before the flight, and leave my blanket/pillow/toiletries there... he had just moved in and didn't have extra stuff (young, poor guys lol, we slept on his floor). Anyways, while I'm home I find out he was driving my car (he actually sent me a video of him cruising somewhere). He sent me a snapchat. I was upset, because he didn't really ask... I texted him something on FB about "SMH, you're joyriding around" and he replied back with some joke. This honestly pissed me off, because he was driving around in my car w/o permission or insurance.. and he seemed so nonchalant about it. I said "I'll talk to you tomorrow, when you get me."

    So he picks me up from the airport. He literally hops out of the car and gives me a hug... which warms me up a bit, but I'm still a little frustrated. I start with a "So...." and really raise my voice with him. He stayed pretty calm. He explains that he thought it would be okay, and that he's sorry he went around as far as he did. I feel he's being genuine. It seemed more like he used my car because he thought it would be okay with me, and not as a way to "use me." I drop him off at work and ask if he wants to hang out later tonight (left my stuff at his house). He says sure. After he gets out, he jumps back into the car and into hugs me around my stomach saying "you know I love you right?" And runs off.

    At this point, I'm very confused... and can't wait to hang out later. I pick him up after work, and we head to his place. We hang out, and I suspect that he used my pillow and blanket while I was away (which was totally cool with me lol) but I didn't ask.. he was using my pillow that night too. We end up not talking about each other, and wake up in the morning to take him to work.

    In June, we plan on going to this big 3-day outdoor festival. We go with separate friend groups, but somehow find each other every day. First night, I get really drunk with my friends at the VIP grounds. I end up finding him while blacked out, and we (as he told me a few days after) hang out and talk for a few hours... he wouldn't tell me what we talked about or what we did. I only remember him hugging me goodnight, and me walking over to another group of friends. Day 2, we meet inside the festival and hang out for half of it... we split because I want to hang out with my friends. Because everything is so hectic, and we were so drunk... I put off trying to talk about what we did on Day 1.

    Day 3, we run into really briefly in front of a stage. I'm walking around by myself, when I feel a bump and tug on my shoulder. It is, of course, him. He gives me a quick hug. We say hi and chat for a quick minute. Out of the blue, he put both of his hands around my face, and we both stare into each other's eyes for a little bit... he smiles and says "I'll see you sometime soon." Then all of a sudden, he's gone... and that's the last time we were good with each other.

    Soooo I was completely confused at this point, and really wanted to talk to him. To confess everything. And I try to hang out, but he says he's busy. About a week after the Festival, I have enough and start trying to pick a fight with him over text, like a complete asshole. I call him out on using me for stuff... for bailing on my plans... for not respecting my friends... really, I started pulling stuff out of my (xxx). He honestly never said anything mean back to me, just kind of apologized or said I was wrong about some things... but then he snapped and said "I know you have a thing for me, so don't beat around the bush." Him saying that pissed me off... at the time, I felt he tried to demean my issues with him by bringing up my feelings... implying that he had none. I honestly don't know. I wasn't thinking straight. I said some more crazy stuff, and it ended it him saying "you're cut." I still don't know what he meant by "I know you have a thing for me, so don't beat around the bush." We were arguing. I don't see how arguing is "beating around the bush." I don't even see how fighting with someone over their actions and how they treat you is related to "having a thing" for them.

    We blocked each other. It's been the better part of two years now... and I find myself thinking about this so much, still. I think about what happened. And what he said at the end. And I'm honestly just looking for some guidance to move on... I've tried dating a few guys, and hooked up here and there, since then.. but I'm so hung up on this guy. I feel like I royally fucked with someone who loved me, and turned my back on him. And because of that, and because I never stopped liking him, it's been hard to move on. I don't want to meet someone now, for fear of losing it...

    So, yeah, if you read this far HMU and I will buy you a coffee. Thanks <3
     
    #1 MrL1011, Jan 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
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  2. MrL1011

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    Meant to add this:

    In March, I start wanting to take him on a date. So, I ask him if he would like to get dinner. I never call it a date. We plan a day, about a week away. On the day I pick him up, he tells me that he was looking forward to checking out the place I picked, and that some of his friends/coworkers were teasing him "calling it a date." He says that he told them "it's not a date." But then he says to me, "Well, I guess it is a date," and smiles. I dressed up. And remember he did too. He usually didn't.

    So, we go on the "date" and crash back at my place after.
     
    #2 MrL1011, Jan 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
  3. Flynn S

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    Now I could be completely wrong, and I do not claim any expertise in this area (I’ve never been in a relationship before, though I can relate to your situation), but I’ll offer my two cents anyway.

    People are complex. They don’t always mean what they say. Many couples argue about finances or their children’s school, or their dog’s name, but usually that is all just a cover for the real issue rooted in their relationship. That’s the joy of subtext. My interpretation of your friend’s statement is that “I know you have a thing for me” is acknowledging that you like him. Now the second part is where I’m making an assumption: “don’t beat around the bush,” at least, to me, suggests he wants you to be straight forward about your affection. Based off what you posted (and again I am making an assumption) you were not straight forward about this with him. Perhaps you might have mentioned it while drinking and don’t remember? Either way, he knows you didn’t tell him consciously and maybe that offended him. I don’t, however, think his statement was a confession of his feelings for you, in fact it almost seems rude (to me 'thing' just has a negative connotation) though that might be predicated on irritation (since it was an argument). Regardless, it appears, from your account, that he did like you. Personally I wouldn’t let people think I was going on a date with someone I didn’t actually want to go on a date with, and I certainly wouldn't dress out of the ordinary.

    As for guidance or advice or whatever, you might take my suggestion with a pinch of salt. I think you said earlier that you “never will” talk to him again? I don’t know exactly what that means but since you still seem to have feelings for him, I would recommend, if you still have his number or some way of contacting him, you reach out to him and just say ‘hi.’ Maybe just have a brief conversation. Maybe invite him to do something with you sometime. If he seems interested in rekindling your friendship, that’s a good sign. If he doesn’t, then there’s nothing much you can do but move on. Supposing the former works and you do end up speaking to each other again, you might be truthful with him and just tell him what was going on and that you liked him. Strange things happen when truth is revealed (even if people knew it before hand). Whether or not he reciprocates, at least you’ll have told him and it may clear some things up.

    Anyway, good luck. So sorry I couldn’t be more help.
     
  4. Wesley007

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    I would like my tea please.
    First off. You should have told him how you felt. Try to fix things. :slight_smile: if you want more advice write on my wall.
     
  5. bluesky

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    I think you guys developed something over time. You both sound really close. Although there wasn’t homosexual acts involved, I think you guys built something emotionally. That’s probably what led for you to lash out at him at the end. You were frustrated. It’s understandable, but generally, that’s usually what causes friendships to end. I think what your friend meant when he said “ stop beating around the bush” was base on how you were acting towards him. Basically starting shit for no reason. I’m sure it’s clear to him that you guys were close too, so he probably put it together you know? You stated you were starting shit with him because you were frustrated so I think that’s what he meant. Also, he follows up with saying he knows you liked him, meaning stop starting shit because you like him. Wharever you said that caused the friendship to end, sounded pretty bad. I’m assuming it was bad because you didn’t tell us what you said, which is fine. But it ended with him saying “you’re cut”.

    You’re not over this is because you didn’t have closure. It ended pretty bad and you feel bad because you were the one that caused it to end, right? You might be feeling that you “lost” something base on the way you acted. So now you’re processing and understanding it. You might want to reach out to him again if that will make you feel better. But keep it as friends for now. Just apologize about what happened and see where it goes from there. Try not to put any feelings in the conversation yet because it’s been two years.

    It was a complicated situation for you both. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t trace your steps and try to rebuild something if possible or close that door the way it needs to be closed.
     
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  6. Barbatus

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    I think the advice above is good if you still have feelings for him. Even if you just try and contact him to reconcile.

    However, I would like to ask a question (which you are free to ignore). Why did you respond to him being busy by trying to provoke a fight? From what you've read that is when it seemed to go wrong. A week is not very long and it is perfectly legitimate that he might have been busy. Following up on bluesky's comment, was it frustration that you didn't seem him that caused you to lash out?

    I'm not trying to say you are at fault but it reads like you were feeling neglected by him and behaved in a way to provoke a reaction to reaffirm that he cared about you - would that be a fair assessment or is that of the mark?

    If you do contact him then you will need to be clear on your feelings (both at the time and now) and be prepared to provide him with an explanation of your behaviour. It would give a chance for reconciliation (if that's possible).
     
  7. MrL1011

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    It took some time to remember what happened, but my recollection is this: I had wanted to come clean and talk to him for some time. After the festival, I also wanted to talk to him and figure out what we did/talked about while there. At the time, I felt it was a necessary "piece of the puzzle." We made plans to hang out soon after. That fell through. Made plans again.. and those fell through.

    I felt like we had the conversation I had been meaning to... at the festival, while I was blacked out. I got frustrated, and really still am, because he left me in the dark.. and I allowed him to do this. Through my own actions/decisions while being around him. None of my friends can fill me in on details as they weren't around us..

    I'm not so sure I ever wanted to reaffirm that he cared for me. I always knew he cared for me, in some way. It was, really, the lack of "let me be decent, and tell you what we did." It was ALWAYS the lack of communication with him, that drove me crazy. So he kept putting off the plans, and I started trying to start a fight. And that's when the "I know you have a thing for me, don't beat around the bush" comment came out. After he said that--I lost it.

    Honestly, I don't have that much interest in talking to him. But this whole thing has held me back for a long time, and I need to move forward. I know I'm mostly to blame. I just really wonder if I misinterpreted the whole "I know you have a thing for me" argument.. and if I was wrong to react the way I did. I don't think I was wrong. I think I saw things were ending, and I was frustrated about that. But sometimes I do wonder if things were fine and I freaked out for no reason.

    In hindsight, I realize that we were definitely something. I was never confident in that at the time.
     
    #7 MrL1011, Jan 17, 2018
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  8. Barbatus

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    @MrL1011 Thanks for explaining further. It sounds like there was a lack of communication on both side from what you say. I think most us were a bit thrown by you saying you were spoiling for a fight without the wider context of you two not talking about it. Having said that, explains while drunk (especially black out drunk) are never good, lead to no resolution and don't help explain anything (I know that from experience).

    As you don't want to contact him, which might be a good idea as it will allow you to move on, you need to focus on reaching closure without speaking to him. You might find it best to just chalk this up to experience and learn from it. Don't let the past chain you, there's nothing that can be done about it and regrets are useless - just take it as part of the learning curve of life and know that next time, even if the outcome is not what you want, that it is better to talk openly about things. Be candid with people and it will be easier than trying to suppress your feelings. This is especially the case in the circumstances you describe.
     
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  9. MrL1011

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    I should have clarified "fight" was just arguing. No punches thrown, or desire to throw any. Yep, I think the biggest thing I'm learning from this--as far as my entire life goes, not just my dating life--is the importance of being more free from substances.

    I agree. I want to find closure without speaking to him. That's the mindset I've had for some time. Since we never spoke about what feelings we had--if any--with candor in a sober setting what we were was never clear. Unfortunately, what we were has only become clear against the backdrop of time.

    You are right that being candid and open about my feelings is the way to become.

    However, I think the biggest thing keeping me back isn't the lack of closure itself but, rather, why there was a lack of closure. My biggest fear in all of this is that I had feelings for somebody who had none for me. Considering how things turned out, if this guy was just being a good friend I was literally crazy. That's my fear, and I don't want to do it to somebody again. I've lost trust in my decision making.
     
    #9 MrL1011, Jan 17, 2018
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  10. Barbatus

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    @MrL1011 It seems you've got the right mindset for moving forward which is great. I'm just going to pick up the end of your last post. From what you say, he definitely had feelings for you - @bluesky is puts it very well above. And even if you were 'just friends' you established a very close emotional bond and there is nothing crazy in that.

    I'm not clear on what you mean by 'do it to somebody again'. What do you mean? Any issues with relationships are dynamic so it isn't just a case of what you've done but what he did as well. Or do you mean become close with someone but not talk about it or follow up those feelings? And I assume you mean your decision making? It's important to realise that decision making is only possible due to emotions - when our emotions are riled up it can be very difficult to make decisions. That is why it is useful to have as much perspective as possible and be clear about what we do, e.g. decide to talk to someone about how we feel about them and accept that the consequences may not be what we want.

    For what it's worth, your friend also did not act well and he never discussed it with you when you were both sober - it's important that you don't take on all the blame yourself because it wasn't just about what you did.
     
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  11. love23cali

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    Well, you can't get over it because you're still convinced it could have been really good. From time to time, I still think about a woman I was infatuated with about 5 years ago - though she's a lot different and I'm not sure I'm physically attracted to her anymore...He'll probably still be on your mind here and there for a while, regardless of advice here.

    "I know you have a thing for me" was said out of agitation/annoyance so his delivery and wording might have come across more harshly than intended. I think he said it because he recognized that that was the true reason you were upset - the fact that you two weren't progressing - and he just wanted you to stop "nagging" him. Yes, he knew you were into him.

    My impression is that he was into you. But the thing about emotions is that we're not always sure about them. Sometimes we don't want something as badly the next day or we've talked ourselves out of it. Perhaps he wanted something at one moment, but the realization that it might have become something more scared him, causing him to slow down and keep a distance..

    Honestly, perhaps that last step is to get in touch with him. You might talk, realize things aren't the same and get that final closure. Otherwise, you'll always see him as "the one that could have been". You never know, you might end up getting that chance you lost a couple years ago. I don't see any repercussions for trying...If he doesn't wish to communicate, you haven't lost anything...you aren't communicating currently anyway. You can admit that indeed you were frustrated, but that you did use to really enjoy his company....
     
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